Organic Is In

It has become one of those words that you almost hate to use now because it's losing it's impact. But I'm really trying to understand the implications of living organically vs. ??? Not sure what to call the other ways...mechanically? programmatically? systematically? institutionally?

Kevin (my fellow Kingdom seeker) and I have been reading and discussing a book by Joseph Myers entitled "Organic Community" and it's really offering a bit of a corrective to the ways in which I've thought about community, small groups, relationships, and planning.

Master planning vs. Organic order

We're so guilty of this in the church...trying to plan it to the hilt, prescribe the right formula and model, force people into our interpretations of the Gospel message and its implications for living.

The question shifts from "where are we going?" to "what are we hoping for?"

The little shift from "where?" to "what?" is mega-significant. Just as the successory image/phrase suggests...success is not a destination, but the journey.

Well, that's what I'm thinking about right now.

This week I ended my 3-week hiatus from Starbucks and began enriching people's daily lives with espresso once again. It's so much more fun without the manager hat on!

Then I was pleasantly surprised to read how happy I am now as a "pastor." Research done by the University of Chicago’s National Opinion Research Center found that clergy ranked highest in job satisfaction and “general happiness.”

Happy Mother's Day

I know my mom frequents this url address...but not sure how often. As I was thinking of how much of a blessing my mom has been to me throughout my life...I was reminded of Proberbs 31.

Then that reminded me of my grandmother's funeral (Myrtle Mounts) which reminded me again of the idea of legacy. Her funeral did more to spark that thought in me...and the resulting desire to live my life with the end in mind...than any amount of reflection before or since.

Anyway, I read Proverbs 31 in honor of "Meema" and in honor of my own mother (as well as my wife)...and they all three are described in part by the wise words of that text.

Thanks Mom! For the spiritual legacy you've been building into my life for 36 years now.

Have a blessed day & week...

Homosexual Tension

That's an interest-raising title, isn't it? Well, I just read over an interesting article from CityBeat here in Cincinnati and it involves one of the popular mega-churches in the area. You can read the article here and visit the church's website here.

I guess my affiliation with Starbucks and the friendships I've developed there with homosexuals makes me very aware of how the church views homosexuality and how we need to reach out to the gay and lesbian community with true Kingdom love and compassion.

My 12 years as a youth pastor, however, cause me to be very aware of the difficulty Crossroads' student pastors probably faced with this situation. Really, I think the senior pastor's careful remarks in the article were pretty strong and should still cause their community to be a safe place for the G&L community to seek the Father.

Beautiful Day

I hope there aren't a limited number of perfect-weather days here in Cincinnati, because we've just used up another one! It can be a spiritual experience to sit in the sun and breathe in a beautiful day.

It's also a beautiful day for emotional and vocational reasons. Debbie and I sense a clear calling from God to join the ministry of Lifespring. The path by which we've arrived at this decision has certainly been a challenging one, but we are tremendously blessed to plug into this community and ministry.

Honestly, nine or ten months ago when we landed (painfully) in Cincinnati, I had my doubts about ever serving on staff at a conventional type of church again. And really, it's been unclear for much of that time whether my calling was something like that or just a "calling" that anyone else would have...to be a Christ-following ______________ and a Godly father & husband. As I've pursued that concept though, and chased God's plan for us...it has really become clear that we've been called to help others journey towards spiritual maturity in a setting like this.

The excitement is somewhat amplified by the opportunity to be part of something so new and fresh too. This gathering is not yet 2 years into their young ecclesial life and all the machinery and baggage of conventional church has yet to be added...which is of course how we'll plan to keep it! I really believe it's possible for a group of people to become the church rather than just going to church. It should be possible for a group of people to connect life and faith rather than disconnect or segregate the two. It will be pretty cool if we can embrace the Kingdom rather than create an institutional version of it.

Ahh...a fresh wind is blowing!

First Reds Game

I had the distinct privilege of introducing my 7-year old daughter to the world of major league baseball last night. It was her first time (and my first trip) to the new Reds stadium here in Cincinnati. The weather was perfect and it was a major league blast for both of us. A friend in our church gave us some great tickets. We were right behind the right-field ball boy within earshot of Ken Griffey, Jr. Unfortunately (but perhaps not surprisingly), it was a defeat against the Astros...but the Reds nearly staged a comeback in the last inning.

Although I'm sure there are better teams to route for this season, it's fun to be part of a tradition and locale like Cincinnati and to share moments like this with my girls. On the way home Jess stated matter-of-factly "This has been one of the greatest days of my life!"

Good times!

A Healthy Conversation

Deb and I had what you would actually call an interview tonight, but I feel like it was more of a healthy conversation. It was unlike any interview I've ever had with a church leadership team in some very good ways.

There was no pretense, no posturing, no nonsense...just an authentic search for God together.

Searching for God...the ever elusive "will of God"...the pursuit of confirmation...the questions of direction and discernment...I feel like we've really turned a corner so to speak on this whole matter.

In the past I've been quick to decide what I would like God to "call" us to do and then just looked for fleece-like confirmations to reinforce MY will. But to really submit to the 'kol yahweh' (voice of God) and spend time in the old tent of meeting...that's where we're at. And the good thing is, for the first time in my life perhaps...I'm ready to wait. I should say "we're" ready to wait...to do like the Israelites would (in their better moments) and not move until the cloud of God's presence initiated movement.

Learning the Kingdom

As my work schedule is in transition, I've been able to do some extra reading which has been nice. I just finished Randy Frazee's Making Room for Life and will wait to make a few posts on my take-aways from that read. But now I'm into a book by Rick McKinley, This Beautiful Mess. Rick is the pastor of Imago Dei church out in Portland, OR where some great Kingdom variety things seem to be happening. Donald Miller is from that community which made the connection for me.

But the thing that jumps out at me from the first half of this little book is a corrective angle which Rick offers regarding how we talk about the Kingdom of God. Jesus began his ministry with two simple words...repent & Kingdom. He spoke of the Kingdom being a present reality. Obviously the original Jewish audience turned out to be a bit disappointed in Jesus' version of the Kingdom. But I think we sometimes arrogantly think that 2000 years later we've got it all figured out. I think we're still missing the Kingdom almost as badly as it was missed when Jesus first announced it.

Here's what I mean...how many times have I heard (or even said myself) that we're "building the Kingdom?" Or that we play some part in "advancing" the Kingdom of God? There's a subtle but dangerous theology hidden in this language...and it's one of pride and control. It's also connected to a brand of Christianity or spirituality which is based on achievement, doing, and 'leveling up' spiritually. In reality, the Kingdom is not something to be built (it's not a pile of wood and God's the big foreman in the sky saying 'come on, help me put this thing together.') The Kingdom is a whole new dimension into which we're transferred. It's a way of being, not something to be done.

And it's messy...it's an already, but not yet Kingdom...there's a lot of tension. And most Christians don't deal well with the tension. Too many churches present some polished and clean franchised faith which doesn't allow for someone to say "Why the hell is this happening? Where's God? Why doesn't He ______ ?" I believe that's why there's such a disconnect between our culture and church experience...because for the most part, the church is living in la-la land and not providing an environment where people can be authentic, messy, and "not yet."

Choral-phoria

Having sung in many different choirs, ensembles, etc, etc...I have a great love for vocal music of just about any sort.

Last week, my in-laws treated us to an evening out on the town in Cincinnati. It began with a great meal at Benihana's, a Japanese steakhouse which promotes "an experience at every table."

The evening continued with a performance from Chanticleer in the St. Peter in Chains Cathedral downtown Cincinnati. First of all, the cathedral was a beautiful place of worship and acoustical magic. Add to that the vocal perfection of an a capella wonder machine like Chanticleer and the result is a listening experience which borders on the surreal. It was incredible.

The group is based in San Francisco, but apparently has made Cincinnati one of its annual stops (perhaps because of the amazing venue which the cathedral provides).

Well, the point is...we had a wonderful evening with the in-laws and are so blessed to be in Cincinnati surrounded by family. Of course, that doesn't mean I want to continue living in their basement....but it's great to be beneficiaries of their benevolence and presence. Actually, we're hoping to be back out on our own and planted in the Milford area of Cincinnati within a month or so.

The search for what the calling, vocation, and livelihood might look like in the near future is certainly still underway. We continue to see our new church community as an exciting and potentially missional and Kingdom-oriented gathering of Christ followers.

The Big Idea

Just finished this little book which you could probably look at in two very different ways. On the one hand, it's another "hey, look at me and my church and the way we did it" text to toss on the pile of successful church strategies.

On the other hand (which I'm claiming), it's a pretty good collection of ideas which could help a church and it's leaders really focus on what's important. One of the best things he says is in the introduction about how anemic and useless the label of "Christian" is in our culture today (the United States specifically). According to Barna, 85% claim to be Christian...but there's little to no difference in the way decisions are made or life is lived. The way I see it, the church should own up to that disparity. Because our religious institutions have done much more to prop themselves up and preserve traditions than they've done to facilitate the kind of Kingdom life transformation and discipleship which would result in a tremendous movement of Christ-followers who wouldn't tolerate the luke-warm expression of Christianity which consumes culture without discernment or condemns culture without compassion or love.

Their 'bigidea' network of churches push for developing "3 C" Christ-followers who celebrate, connect, and contribute. I like that idea because the Sunday morning event of celebration and worship should not comprise any more than 1/3 of our spiritual experience and relationship with God. It's an important component, but it's on 33% (at the most!) of the deal. Connecting is about living our the resurrected life in genuine community with a few others. Contributing is about leveraging all your resources for the Kingdom (time, energy, etc).

Help or Hindrance?

Here's a question posed by John as he commented on my last post:

Does the pastoral vocational method empower or inhibit an individual from engaging in their calling in the footsteps of Jesus, the greatest "full time" minister ever?

I think that's a fair question and I would even expand it to include church praxis. Do our methods of gathering, programming, and doing church help or hinder our growth and spiritual formation. And do the demands and expectations of pastoral (full-time) ministry fit easily within the context of developing a greater intimacy with the Father?

In response to both of these questions and/or similar questions, I would say that it depends. Perhaps it depends mainly on one's approach to church and spiritual health. If there's a focus on externals, behavior, appearances, rules, etc...then true intimacy with God will be difficult to experience. Those in the body become too dependant upon the "pastoral" leadership and open themselves to manipulation and blind followership.

I believe that a spiritual leader who understands their role in the Body and continually points people to the Father, Son, and Spirit...and who does not see the institution as an end in and of itself...that individual could function as a healthy leader, teacher, and catalyst for spiritual transformation.

Clergy and/or Laity

I'm trying to decide if I'm feeling defensive or just anxious to understand the semantics and praxis of this issue of "calling."

Also having just listened to the God Journey and Wayne's story of starfish and decentralized leadership in community...this topic is consuming my thoughts at the moment.

Certainly we should be in agreement that there's no real distinction within the body between clergy and laity. Unfortunately, I think the abuse of leadership and power has put the role of a pastor/leader in jeopardy or at least in very serious suspicion.

Obviously, not everyone agrees with this biblical concept...because it threatens their ability to manipulate or obligate those in the community to act a certain way. Ministry offers tremendous opportunities for ego-driven, insecure, manipulative, power-hungry individuals to assert themselves. But that doesn't mean there aren't some healthy leadership roles to be played in the spiritual community.

I really believe that God "calls" some to be so committed to the spiritual formation and nurture of others that there will be no choice but to be in some type of full-time pastoral service to the church. But if that "calling" becomes self-serving or an attempt to manipulate people, an obvious deviation from the Kingdom approach Jesus models for us is the unfortunate result.

Tom, perhaps you and I will not be content or 100% engaged unless we're positioned to encourage, equip, and care for the Body in vocational capacity?!

Could the majority of Christians or pre-Christians be discipled and thrive spiritually without a pastor-shepherd in their lives? I'm not so sure. But that indicates a lack of trust in the Holy Spirit or an over-developed sense of clergy importance.

The Calling

So I'm having some good conversations with a friend about our "calling" as pastors or whatever. I'm not sure what to do with the idea at the moment.

I would assume there are several others out there who happen across this blog who would claim to have answered some kind of "call" to ministry.

As I reflect on my own experience of "calling" which culminated during my freshman year of college at Anderson University, I wonder how much of it was a conditioned response to the spiritual culture and environment I was a part of. What I mean by that is just the lingering expectations placed on me for several years prior to that. How many times did someone ask or tell me I'd grow up to be a pastor like my dad or that I'd make a good pastor etc?? A lot!

I'm not trying to cast doubt and suspicion on my calling, I just want to understand it a little better. And in what way is this mysterious "calling" to some type of ministerial vocation different from the calling on every Christian to be a minister? That's a basic expectation for a Christ follower isn't it? especially if you're a protestant one.

And then for those of us who find ourselves outside of that ministerial calling or paid service to a local congregation...does that mean we're not being faithful to the "call?" Has my affair with the coffee shop over the past few years been a distrustful act of self-sufficiency?

I believe that pastors (of any variety beit lead, worship, youth, childrens, chaplains, etc) need a sense of calling to carry them through the very difficult seasons which come in ministry. But does one HAVE to be IN ministry (vocationally) in order to fulfill a calling?

Please weigh in.

Following the Green Siren

A quick biographical blurb: The java journey has brought me back to Cincinnati. I'm helping out at a new store in Florence for a little while. If I decide to continue in management with Starbucks, I'll just hang out here until a better opportunity comes along.

We continue to build relationships at our new church (Lifespring Nazarene) and I'm helping as the interim worship pastor there. With my background and experience in the church, my calling, and my education...the question of vocational ministry looms large in my mind. I can't seem to settle in with Starbucks and find a level of contentment there. Of course, contentment has been quite an allusive concept for me for several years.

We're hoping to have some level of clarity on our path in the next few months so that we can find a more permanant housing situation and get the girls settled into a new school in the Fall. That's not going to be fun since Jess already argues strongly for another year of homeschooling. She's just scared to be in a new environment again and be forced to make new friends. I completely understand!

I'm watching UK begin to pull away from Villanova. Perhaps Tubby will get to keep his job after all?

By the way, Greg...I don't know about a new store on 5 Mile...but there's definitely a new one opening around Beechmont in May or June (across from the Cherry Grove Kroger). Drop me an email sometime so I can make sure I've got your e-ddress.

Any Rob Bell fans out there? What do you think about his teaching and some of his critics' opinions? I just read a nasty article which basically called him an unorthodox new age heretic. Then I found a good article on Ben Witherington's blog where he kind of dismantled one of Bell's big ideas from a nooma video (and from his book). Just makes me wonder if I've soaked in the Mars Hill teachings without much filtering?

Blogger Defense

Les tours de La Défense et la Grande Arche

Obviously, blogging can often be a lesson in humility. It's a bit like asking for it. However, in my last post, the content I was hoping to get some retort on was mainly ignored. And although I'd like to lay down the mantle of self-defense or convincing...there may be an opportunity to say something helpful here.

First of all, my brother chastised my financial irresponsibility. Since our entire family has known nothing but monetary struggle, debt, and fiscal irresponsibility...it's certainly an area of opportunity for accountability. I received his remarks in a bristling manner but concur with his assessment. A kayak would indeed be a luxury at this time (as would be Chappy's motorcycle dang'it).

I suppose Mr. Durst's assessment was even more prickly under my saddle. Although Greg's comment was a pretty good response on both issues...I want to point out a problem.

Equating working 70-80 hours/week with success or "providing" for the family...that's a problem.

Denying that an engaged, passionate, refreshed, and spiritually healthy father/husband is of great value.

Projecting only an occasional negative voice into someone's life...is a problem.

Now I shouldn't overlook Katrina who focused in on the most relevant and pressing content. And I'm always intrigued when someone drops a comment out of nowhere like that (just meaning I don't know Katrina). But it's so cool to track down a blog or just a little info from the profile/bio and get a glimpse into someone else's story. Blessings on your journey.

I agree at least in part with Katrina's assessment that the church acts as a kind of spiritual triangulating device. Perhaps like the law...which perhaps is more helpful to the transgressor (awakening an awareness of sin) than to the trusting deciple who is guided internally by love rather than with external regulations.

But I wonder that the disconnect between "church" and her current "well being" exists because the church experience is less Kingdom (love) and more institution (law) than it should be? And that comes back to what I'm questioning again in my present context...are we promoting the institution more than we are promoting a transformed life in Christ with others?

As for Greg...thanks for your encouragement to embrace some adventure in a safe manner.

Future Adventure

It was the most beautiful day of the year so far...and I wasn't able to get on the bike. Argh! I left my helmet and pump in Batesville. I'll be there tomorrow to tie up a few loose ends after my morning shift at Starbucks.

Tonight makes 4 nights in a row at home with my girls...priceless!

I went kayak shopping today but didn't find the one I was looking for. The time for adventure and wilderness is coming. Whether it's a section of the Appalachian trail, a bike ride along the coast, or kayaking from Cincinnati to New Orleans...I haven't completely decided. But it's time to stop talking about adventure and embrace it.

My church-y question or thought for today is this? Are we just perpetuating an anemic powerless and helpless bunch of Christians by making church all about the worship event on Sundays? A person can attend church for months or years and never grow spiritually. I know some of that is just totally up to the individual, but by investing more in a one-hour event than into individual relationships...we're not helping are we?

Birthdays & Batesville

This past week presented a couple of coming-of-age experiences. One was turning 36 a few days before my youngest daughter turned 4. We've had several birthday meals and special family gatherings which culminated in a big dinner this evening. Jaquey got a few more cute Strawberry Shortcake outfits and pajamas along with a Strawberry Shortcake scooter! Yeah...lots of excitement and skinned knees and hands to come.

I received several clothing items as gifts which made me reflect a bit. Since joining Deb's family 12+ years ago...I could probably count on 1 or 2 hands the times I've needed to go out and buy myself any clothes. My wonderful mother-in-law has probably purchased 85% of the clothes I own!

The other coming-of-age experience was less pleasant. I suppose it will end up categorized as one of those life lessons which we tend to learn the hard way. Early in January I took on the promotion and assignment of opening a new store for Starbucks in Batesville, Indiana. Over the past 2 months, I got to know dozens of wonderful people and absolutely worked my tail off to get Starbucks off the ground in that little casket-producing town. But the time I was spending away from Deb and the girls just got to be too unbearable. And any financial benefits of taking advantage of this opportunity were eaten up with the overhead of rent, food, and transportation. So we decided to pull the plug and say a quick goodbye to my new Batesville buddies. That was tough...but certainly the right decision.

I've really had enough of this learning the hard way over the past few years!

The Cycling Season

Oh sweet...the cycling season is upon us. That's always the extra motivation I need to jump back on the bike and get some miles underwheel.

I suppose I am a fair-weather cyclist since I haven't been on the bike more than a couple of times this winter, but 8 months out of 12 isn't too bad.

Watching this coming Sunday's coverage of Paris-Nice on Versus will launch me into at least a 20-30 mile ride on Monday! And that will be as spiritually & emotionally beneficial as it is physical.

A New Week

Some weeks begin with a sense of dread and a return-to-the-grind mindset (pun intended).

This week is different.Hope is an amazing thing!

I'm still thinking through the idea of success though. As Phil mentioned in the Out of Ur post I referenced last time, I really believe that success is not what we're conditioned to think it is...even in the church and in ministry.

How is success defined in Scripture? What words of Christ could we say encapsulates an authentically God-honoring concept of success?

James says that pure religion is looking after orphans and widows in their distress. Old Testament prophets would suggest something similar...letting justice roll along like a river...taking care of the poor and oppressed. Obviously, at some level it's about living a life of faith and total dependence/reliance on God (Ruthless Trust--by Brennan Manning is in my head right now).

I become more and more convinced that the Americanization of the gospel and simply being raised in this culture creates some serious handicaps for us spiritually.

Fruit & Vegetables

Out of Ur has an interesting article and some quotes from Phil Vischer, the creator of Veggie Tales. I didn't realize the guys with Big Ideas had gone through a Big Bankruptcy. Why do we have to go through such difficult circumstances to learn what's really important?

Here, Phil talks a little about succes:

What is your understanding of success now?

Now I understand God has a unique journey for each of us with unique
measures of success. Now I ask myself, have I done what God has asked me to do?
Am I walking with him daily? Success has very little to do with where I end up.
I don’t know exactly why, but we seem wired to look for numerical results for
affirmation. But success in ministry cannot be about measurable impact.


Wow...those words are succinct, aren't they? "Success has very little to do with where I end up." Reminds me of the successories image with the caption "Success is the journey not a destination."

A Long Drive

Have you ever been tempted to jump in your car and just drive?

I don't mean just make loops around the city on your beltway...I mean drive in one direction until you hit a large body of water?

That's where I'm at today...by this time tomorrow I could be in Alabama or the Carolinas maybe?

It's a good time of the year to start at the south end of the Appalachian Trail!

Craving Clarity

For anyone who has followed my blog over the past year or so (hi, mom!)...you know that I have often cried out for clarity. It seems as though my life's path has been ambushed by ambiguity many times since we first ventured out of our ministry in Westerville. And here I sit again, at a crossroads of dismal discontentment.

However, I stumbled across some words (actually, I read the words quite intentionally) from Brennan Manning yesterday and again this morning in his book Ruthless Trust.

I don't have it with me now so I'll just have to paraphrase. He was actually quoting a man named Kavanaugh who had gone to Calcutta and asked Mother Teresa to pray for him. She asked him what he wished for her to pray and he said he desired clarity. She went on to refuse that prayer and prayed instead that he would trust God unfalteringly. She accused him of craving clarity over a trusting acceptance of God's provision.

It really struck me because I've prayed so many times for clarity and perhaps God continues to tell me...it's not clarity that I need but trust.

How many of my decisions over the past three years have been made out of a mistrusting heart? Have I really been taking my life and career into my own hands because I don't trust God (or the church) to provide? Now that God is bringing me face to face with my sin of mistrust, what will I do?

I'll start by praying for trust and being grateful for the wonderful love and grace the Father has lavished on us!

Daily Countdowns

So everyday right now consists of a countdown for me. I'm either counting down the hours until I see my family again...or I'm counting the hours until I have to leave my family again.

an emotionally exhausting existence

It's times like these when I crank up the Coldplay...

When you try your best but you don't succeed.
When you get what you want but not what you need.
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep,
Stuck in reverse.

And the tears come streaming down your face.
When you lose something you can't replace.
When you love someone but it goes to waste,
Could it be worse...

Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

Death By Coffee

I remeber a few disturbing scenes over the years in which people are buried alive.

One death occurred in a grain elevator.

Another was covered with dirt or concrete.

The image in my mind right now is of myself in the bottom of a giant coffee bag. The beans were piling up slowly at first...so I was able to keep my footing and stay on top of the java. But the bag is filling up fast, and I can no longer manage the flood of beans. I am suffocating under a mound of coffee.

Help!

A Lesson From Espresso

As I have always contended, we can learn many valuable lessons from coffee. This week's lesson is on the principle of over extraction.

If the water spends too much time with the ground coffee, over extraction occurs. What usually causes this problem is the adjustment of the grinder in an espresso machine or coffee grinder. When the bean is ground too finely, for the amount of time spent with water, the coffee over extracts and becomes bitter.

This Bean has certainly been overly grinded and over extracted over the past week! The test now is not to become bitter in the process.

Spending so much time away from my little beans (daughters) and momma bean (wife) has proven to be more challenging than I had anticipated.

Back to my birthplace

Returning to my hoosier roots has been somewhat nostalgic this past week. I have criss-crossed southeastern Indiana several times running from Cincinnati to Batesville to Columbus to Indianapolis to Columbus to Batesville to Harrison to Batesville etc, etc, etc.

I get to spend the next few days at home in Cincy with my family...so that will be fabulous!

But I had an interesting experience a couple of days ago. I was leaving Starbucks in Columbus and just felt like I should head back to Batesville instead of back to Indy. The reason that decision might not have made any sense was because I had a place to stay in Indy (thanks to "little" brother bean) but no arrangements in Batesville. As I began the 45-mile drive, I actually prayed quite nonchalantly..."you know, Lord...you could just make some arrangements for me to have a warm place to sleep tonight in Batesville?" And that's about all I said to God. Sensing the Spirit was with me anyway...I turned off the music/radio/ipod and drove in silence to Batesville.

There's a Hampton Inn right next to my store there in Batesville...but the rate is about $80/night and there's no way I was going to do that. Well, as I drove into Batesville, I called someone who I was hoping to be my future landlord when/if I sign a lease for a little 1 bdrm apartment to crash in occasionally. But that place wouldn't be sleep-able until sometime next week. Having met with this wonderful couple, discussing the lease, and then ending the conversation...I was prepared to go warm up the car and sleep there. As I turned to go, the wife asked if I had a place to stay for the night? (it was about 8pm) I didn't want to tell her I intended to sleep in my car when it was 25 degrees outside so I just said, "I haven't made any arrangements yet...perhaps a hotel." She went on to explain that two of their boys were off to college or traveling and I was welcome to spend the night with them. Keep in mind this is the first time we've met! So I followed them to their home, had a delicious cup of green jasmine tea with blueberry blossom honey...and slept comfortably and warmly that night!

Frappuccinos, Formulas, and Fit

Yeah...I haven't been here in awhile. The Starbucks side of life is commanding most of my time and attention these days. I've been promoted to manage a store of my own and it's a brand-new drive thru in Batesville, IN. Before you start googling a map...yes...it's a long way from where we're at. Although...lots of people commute an hour one-way to work, right?!

Batesville is about the half-way point between Indianapolis and Cincinnati...but it feels a bit closer to Cincy. The store opens up Feb 2nd...so be sure to stop in if you're driving between those two cities...or if you going to Batesville to buy a casket! Yep, it's the home of the Batesville Casket Company.

Besides the coffee pursuits...the other main discussion point in my life right now is a spiritual and ecclesial nature. We're developing some relationships and connections at the church we're attending in Cincinnati, but I still struggle with a sense of "fit" and focus. I find myself being very anti-formulaic right now. If any spiritual concept is described as some kind of formula or 7-step plan...I just automatically start dry heaving! Apparently, I'm also not comfortable with a major thrust to "get people saved." What kind of life in Christ are we trying to convert people to? The one we're currently living out and displaying? If so...I'm not sure I'd be signing up.

See ya next month...

Waiting Well

I don't...wait well, that is.

Christmas day and all its festivities, traveling, gift-sharing, and family reunions has come and gone. We had a great time spending Christmas with both sides of the family this year. The day began in Cincinnati and ended near Indianapolis.

I'm still waiting for one final present...which I hope to be an offer to manage my own store for Starbucks. I received a call this morning with some very promising words...but until the final offer is on the table, I won't be able to rest mentally. If this opportunity arises, it will be about six months ahead of schedule from what I previously anticipated. That is great news for us financially as well as in other ways (scheduling, mental angst, supervisor frustration, etc).

Another opportunity has come along for me to lend a hand with some music and worship efforts at the church we're attending here in Cincinnati (Lifespring). Although my journey still consists of some unresolved questions about ministry and the church, I sense that God is inviting us to develop some relationships and lead by example in this new congregation. I would hope to see this expression of church and community conform closely to a Scriptural model of mission and grace.

I've had to put the personal training on hold for now. I trained one client at Fitworks in Newport before the new Starbucks opportunity materialized. If I have to wait a few months and just do personal training as an occasionaly hobby...that's fine. It will give me a little more time to learn the trade.

Model vs. Mission

I want to hope that a variety of "church models" can live out an authentic expression of Kingdom life. Part of my angst on this issue involves personal application. For instance, if I have musical and leadership gifts which lend themselves to an event-centered application...how do I reconcile that with the fact that an event-driven church experience is not aligned with Kingdom values?

Can I plug myself into the "system" yet push in a different direction? I believe there's value in a corporate worship experience...but it should prepare for or contribute to a daily experience of intimacy with the Father rather than just fulfilling some need for a spiritual social gathering.

I appreciate John's comment on the previous entry because I think many of us react, critique, blame, and indict the system without thinking through the implications. Especially when you have a family to consider, it's not easy to just decide to be done with the church in its present form. I'm not yet ready to throw out the model just because it has been "mismanaged and distorted" as John mentioned. It certainly is a complex issue though...and I feel like it could take years to detox, reconcile, and move forward.

Spiritainment

That's a word I just made up as I was commenting on today's post from Out of Ur (leadership).

A pastor in South Carolina was denouncing all the lazy pastors and churches for not putting more effort into entertaining their crowds on Sunday. Apparently, people should be more excited about going to the Sunday morning event than watching their favorite TV program. Though I have contributed to entertainment-based and consumeristic worship services in the past, I certainly can't stomach that combination anymore. I just found the guys comments repulsive (literally, my stomach was upset reading the post) and completely misguided.

To even speak of "Church" and entertainment as similar experiences betrays a distorted understanding of the Kingdom.

Nothing Specific

Our December weather in Ohio has been rather mild over the past week. That was a blessing as Chappy and I camped out at the new Chick-Fil-A grand opening in Grove City this past Wednesday night. The temperature never dipped below 40 and we both walked away with the great prize of 52 free meals at Chick-Fil-A. This was my third Grand Opening and I plan to do 3 more at the first of 2007 (Beavercreek, Tri-County Cincinnati, and Florence).

I gave up on training at Gold's. Every time I met with a District or Regional manager, I just got the run-a-round and have still not received a call back from the last interview...which went very well. So I decided to investigate the Fitworks which is down the street from my new Starbucks location (Newport, KY). That went very well and I finished the new-hire paperwork today with the district manager. He began the interview as a real "hard ass" (can't think of another way to put it!) however, the interview turned a corner and I realized he was just setting me up to be a model trainer for some of the slackers they've got in the company. So that was encouraging actually...that he saw me as someone to help raise the bar (literally) in their clubs. I actually work for Body of Change which operates inside the Fitworks gyms. There are seven of those in the Cincy area...at which I can workout or train clients at anytime. Training could turn out to be a great thing since I determine my schedule and can block off time to be away (vacation etc.) pretty much whenever necessary. I start spending time at that gym and training clients on Monday!

Still no real clarity on the spiritual journey. I continue to struggle with the thought of plugging back into a traditional congregation. Deb and I had a difficult conversation yesterday on the topic. She percieves that I talk down to her because I've attained some higher plane or experience of Christianity. I think the phrase I used was "Yeah, that's how I used to see things" in response to something she said about spiritual matters. It was kind of ironic since my perception has been that she sees me as spiritually inferior since I no longer hold to some of the traditional Christian values and practices which have been such a huge part of our experience. Yet, part of my present difficulty is in not wanting to subject my family to the whole searching process that I seem to be in right now. If the conventional church paradigm still works for them...why should I upset that? But what gives if I decide I really can't continue to relate to the Father in that setting? The God Journey has been a very helpful discussion and conversation to listen in on lately. I was also encouraged by a recent Catalyst podcast interview with George Barna discussing his latest book on revolutionary Christianity. To be continued...

Climate, Coffee, and Cardio

I find it quite difficult at times to focus on one particular thought or theme as I'm blogging. So as you can see, it will be all over the map today.

On Climate:

Speaking of maps, here's one to kick it off...

I just watched An Inconvenient Truth a few nights ago, which turned out to be more of the Al Gore lifestory than I had anticipated. But the overall content and "spin" certainly leaves you with the feeling of "What if it's true?!" I know Limbaugh and all the partisan conservatives scoff at the environmental extremists and their theories...but I find all their rhetoric pretty reactionary and unsatisfying as well. I'm not sure that I'm ready to start screaming gloom and doom for mother earth...but as a responsible steward of creation...you just can't say "What the hell!" and keep living in selfish unexamined and irresponsible ways.

I enjoyed the suggestions at the end of the film for controlling one's environmental impact and energy efficiency.

On Coffee:

As I sit at my in-laws' dining room table and sip some Latin American coffee, I wonder if Starbucks would be my favorite coffee were I not working for the green siren? There's a coffee docu-drama coming out called Black Gold which I expect to stir up a mixed brew of conversations in Seattle and beyond. As I step back into a managerial position with Starbucks, I'm hoping that my conscience won't be disturbed past a reasonable point. I've always felt pretty good about Starbucks as a company and their economic ethics as well as their emphasis on social responsiblity. If the corporate culture has finally hijacked their mission statement, I may be forced to rethink my affiliation. My conscience has already been disturbed in other ways by the handing off of countless unhealthy beverages which are obviously not helping anyone battle obesity, heart disease, or all the other health related problems I've become more aware of lately. Which brings us to...

Cardio:

I've been sliding back into some old eating habits over the past week or so and neglecting the cardio a bit. I spent about 50 minutes on the treadmill early this morning (2am actually...which counts for the day before) and will get in another bout later today. The goal has been 6 days a week of cardio with 20-30 minutes on my strength training days and 50-60 minutes on the other 3 days. Now that I'm about 3 months into my new "healthstyle," the novelty has worn off, and the initial gains (strength) and losses (weight) are settling down. The next 3 months or so will be hard work to get to the maintenance phase. Good news from Gold's though...I start learning the ropes at the gym at Skytop (near Mt. Washington) on Monday so I can start training some clients there. Perhaps we'll get up to a livable income yet?!

Physical training is of some value...

It has been easy to invest so much time and energy into physical fitness lately since it yields a predictable and noticeable result. Spiritual fitness is so much more elusive and unpredictable. You're just like a ship dead on the water...raising the sails as best you know how...waiting for the wind to blow. A little wind...ruach...breath of God...Spirit...would certainly be welcome.

Things were bleak until...

I heard an add for GoBible!





Now I realize that I can stay plugged into God without unplugging from life! I can immerse myself in God's word when it's convenient for me. If I had only realized that the key to my spiritual success was at my fingertips all the time. "The GoBible™ makes God’s Word ACCESSIBLE to everyone..."


Actually, I shouldn't be so viciously sarcastic since I had downloaded the Scriptures to my PDA and recorded my Bible on CD to my ipod for awhile. Obviously, immersing oneself in God's Word is a good thing...but I think it was the advertising and marketing that was so repulsive when I heard it today on our local Christian radio station. And the tag line of "plug into God without unplugging from life" is just especially disturbing.

Anyway, we continue to struggle through a very difficult week personally. From the gremlins in my radiator and coolant system to the old demon of debt which has its talons deep in our backs...much of what some refer to as "life" is not going well. But I know that things could certainly be worse...and there are glimmers of light and hope around some of the dark edges each day...so be thankful for that, Chris!

I went on a little rabbit trail today digging up things about being "missional" and what that looks like. As we contemplate plugging back into a congregational expression of church here in the area...I try to fast-forward in my mind and decide what it will look like in about six months. Is it a place where process will be valued over programs? What about emphasizing disciples over decisions? Does the leadership see the number of people the church serves as more important than the number who attend church services? Can we live in and live out the Story of God rather than just discussing the Text? Will we raise up a passion within people to BE the church rather than just keep hiring professionals to DO church?

Along the lines of Rob's post on releasing the role of "convincer" and allowing God to manage our reputations... can we help focus a congregation on participating in the mission of God and allow Him to manage the results? I'm not ready to walk away from the denominational system I've been a part of for so long...but it is definitely a system. And the system's approach to rewarding certain behaviors and achievements can actually be a deterent to true Kingdom values.

I suppose we'll just have to TRUST God to make the path clear.

A Dark Day for the Soul

Interesting that Ryan should reference St. John of the Cross in that last comment section. The "dark night of the soul" has been a frequent phrase in my self talk over the past couple of years. However, I wouldn't presume to think that my current sufferings equal or surpass those of many throughout church history or those who currently suffer for Christ in tragic and life-threatening ways across the globe.

Yet pain is relative...and relative to any other experience or phase throughout my 35 years of journeying...the pain, confusion, and pressure we've been facing for over a year now often seems to near the point of emotional, spiritual, and even physical paralysis.

Today was an especially dark "day" of the soul. Three significantly negative and disappointing encounters/events took place between 4:45am and 4:45pm. The musician in me wants to sit down with my guitar, pick around in a minor key, and write a lament...

How long, Oh Lord, will the darkness surround me?!
My tears fall like rain in this storm of my soul...
If you don't protect me from all of these trials,
I'll crumble to pieces...I'll never be whole... How long?!

Happy Thanksgiving

To all you hardcore blog checkers who are making the rounds even on Thankgiving Day.

One of the many things I'm thankful for is the supportive online community of spiritual sojourners who keep tabs on me with encouragement as well as accountability.
Blessings on all of you and your families.

May His peace be yours...especially as we head into the hectic downhill stretch of 2006.

Examination Day

Well, just to bring everyone up to speed on the newest iron in my fire...I've been studying for about 2 months to become certified as a personal trainer. "Why" you may ask? Well, there are two reasons really. I've always been one of those health & fitness wannabe's. For some reason though, my goals just always eluded me typically due to a lack of discipline. I can remember about 3 different times that I purchased a gym membership and failed to take full advantage of it. But something clicked during our transition to Cincinnati and I decided that part of my journey towards health & wholeness would include physical fitness. Then I also realized that my income at Starbucks would not adequately support our family let alone propel us towards our goals of debt-lessness. As I pondered the possibilities of another part-time job, I knew it had to be something that would not feel like a job...something I could be passionate about...and something that would pay pretty well. At first, I wasn't sure such an opportunity existed (since I wasn't interested in speaking engagements, youth retreats, or worship "gigs" anymore). But after watching an episode of some reality-TV-meets-the-gym show, I thought...Eureka! I've found it...I'll be a personal trainer.

After cramming the names of obscure muscles and various principles of biomechanics and exercise physiology for the past two months...I spent four hours on the "final exam" this morning and just received the results via email a few moments ago.

I passed!!

On top of that, I've had two great interviews at a couple of private training studios here in Cincinnati and have a great door of opportunity at perhaps both of them. I should be training some clients within a few weeks. Both of the facilities are near my favorite part of the city and close to where we'd like to relocate sometime soon.

Enough about me though...God is saying some great things and affirming some things through the God Journey. I know I've referenced their stuff before...but you should definitely check out this episode. Give it a listen and come back for some dialogue.

The Game of My Life

So far so good! This is a sporting event of epic proportions. The opening drive made me a little nervous...but Troy "Heisman" Smith is definitely firing off perfect passes.

Back to the action...

Psalm 25

To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul;
in you I trust, O my God.
Do not let me be put to shame,
nor let my enemies triumph over me.
No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame,
but they will be put to shame who are treacherous without excuse.

Show me your ways, O LORD,
teach me your paths



I've been bombarded with songs, scriptures, e-mails, podcast sermons, etc on trust this week. In a sermon on trust from Rick McKinley at Imago Dei in Portland, he pointed out the most common "do not" command in the Bible. More than any other command in the Scriptures is this one: "Do not be afraid." And in the particular text Rick was teaching from, it was in the context of "do not be afraid for I am with you." A little later in the story (of Abraham) God reassured Abe with these words, "For I am your shield, and I am your reward."

As I think back on my post about being angry, I have realized in the past few days that most of my anger is really directed at myself. And all the anger I've been sensing is simmering in a soup of fear. I'm afraid for my family...afraid financially...afraid for my marriage...afraid for my career...afraid of my calling...and the list could go on. But a little light has begun to flicker...a spark of hope...in God. Although I've recently told many that I don't feel inclined to trust God right now...what options am I faced with?

Part of the reason I've felt distrust towards God is due to what I have perceived as a lack of reward...or the lack of God "coming through" for us in difficult times. But I have certainly not been focused on God himself as my reward. The reward and provision has not come as I was hoping or expecting. Again, will I ever learn that God is more concerned with relationship than anything else?!

So perhaps a corner is being turned. I am taking steps to re-place my hope and trust in God. I want to re-align my will with His and agree that ease of life or material blessing is not the reward, but a deeper and more authentic intimacy with the Father...that's what we're after. I'm sure that as I get my mind off of myself...it will improve all of my relationships as well...not just the human-divine one.

Not Eating More Chikin in Columbus

Well, my quest for 52 more free combo meal coupons from Chick-fil-A will have to wait. I must have gotten my information from an old website. Thinking the grand opening of the Grove City Chick-fil-A was tomorrow morning, I drove to Columbus and found the building still under construction. It won't be opening until Dec 14th...the same day the one in Carmel, IN opens. Dang it...I was hoping to go to both of those openings.

Some think I'm a bit obsessed with the Atlanta-based purveyor of chicken...but I'm saving a ton of $ eating there as well as keeping my nutritional goals on track. By exchanging the fruit cup for fries and eating the chargrilled version...and drinking unsweetened tea with Splenda...I'm only getting about 300 calories and 3g of fat!!

Speaking of calories...I've been burning lots of them. For the first time in many many years...I'm about to drop back into the 180's as I weighed in at 191 the other day. I have a pair of 32w x 32L jeans hanging on the bathroom door which I hope to fit into by Thanksgiving. (I've been between 36's & 38's for the past few years) I know...I sound like a girl obsessed with fitting into that bridal gown or something! But the "bottom" line is about being fit and healthy. The body/mind/soul connection is undeniable. And I think the increased physical discipline, the balancing out of my body weight, and the stress relieving effect of exercise are just some of the reasons I'm turning a corner emotionally and spiritually as well.

My new role as an assistant manager with Starbucks begins on Monday. That will greatly enhance the paycheck and give me more administrative responsibility in the store...which is very good. I stopped by a training studio/gym this afternoon to drop off a resume. It's run by one of the guys who I interview with a couple of weeks ago for a personal trainer position. Because I'm brand new to the industry, it's going to take some time for me to earn some clientele, but the guy was very supportive and excited about my potential to learn and excel in the "biz." So I can actually start spending some time with him and his team to learn the trade and shadow some of the veteran trainers. Very cool opportunity. I take the gigantic certification exam one week from today. I'm still trying to memorize all the muscles and how to train them, stretch them, and hypertrophize them!

Speaking of Well-fed...

I had two great meetings and conversations today along with some good food. The encounters proved to be very refreshing even though they both left me with an urgent longing for some more clarity.

This evening's conversation was with an old college buddy most of us know as "Mossy." (Sorry, Jason...by "old" I was just referring to those good "old" days!) Our youth ministry paths crossed many times between the college days and now...but it's been awhile since we shared a meal and life together. My lunch was with a new friend who has had some similar experiences in life and ministry. His journey has brought him to a newstart here in Cincinnati where he's trying to pick up the reigns and lead this young congregation towards being a missional and relational church. It's a group/congregation which we've been visiting and with whom we're considering to be a part of. Today's conversation certainly opened that door a bit wider.

Sharing some deep honest hopes and hurts felt like the embrace of God today. I guess He doesn't hold a grudge like me.

Alaska or Bust?!

After a recent conversation with Deb (my wife) regarding my current perspective on spiritual things, I was forced to spend a little more time reflecting on my "God journey" these days. Regardless of HOW I got to this point...it's exactly where I'm at and therefore the starting place for each new day.

First of all, I'm a bit angry.

This is an important piece of background information to be aware of. That I'm angry is obvious to me. Why I'm angry is a little less clear. Some days I just sense an anger and frustration with life and the negative circumstances we're enduring. But on other days (dare I say MOST days) I am particularly disappointed and angry with God. Now I'm not just talking about a momentary lapse of warm fuzzies...it's a potent amount of fury which I can't find any more appropriate target for than God. In order to protect a tiny amount of privacy and dignity for myself and my family, I won't share particular details here...but suffice it to say that over the past 3 years or so, I perceive that God has allowed some pretty rotten things to transpire in our lives. And the worst of it is that we completely trusted God to lead and provide the entire time. We begged and pleaded for God to give us direction on certain matters! And it would be one thing to feel like God screwed me over personally. But it's more serious than that. The way I see it...God has actually acted against us as a family...including my faithful servant-hearted wife...and my innocent little girls.

So to review (for those who wish to be active listeners), what I'm saying is that I feel God has rewarded twelve years of pastoral labor and service with the darkest days and deepest valley of our married and parental lives. It's fair to say that I have a continuously simmering soup of anger within which I marinate daily.

Now...having admitted that unhealthy bit of information...let me connect some of the dots which might illustrate where I'm at on matters of "church." The "church" has been a willing participant in my demise...as well as the spiritual demise of many others. Although many churches are doing some good things and have the best of intentions, I think that the general state of the church in most of its sectarian manifestations (whether evangelical, mainline protestant, catholic, etc) is an unhealthy system of religious activity and organization. One of the guys from the God Journey podcast (can't remember if it was Wayne or Brad) referred to a pastor who basically stated that being a successful church growing/planting pastor by today's standards requires of set of skills which doesn't necessarily include a dynamic and authentic transforming relationship with Jesus. And I found that very true in my 12 years of youth ministry. Being a success in the eyes of parents, students, and peers demanded many things of me...but genuine spiritual intimacy with God was not necessarily one of them. Is the church directly to blame for my un-mentored and under-developed spiritual journey? I don't believe so. But you have to admit there's something wrong with a system/"church" which praises the administratively and oratorically gifted person...but immediately disqualifies and abandons the leader who shows any signs of moral weakness or failure though it's own deficient environment of accountability and true soul care is mostly to blame.

I'm not saying it's time for all of us to abandon the ship...but I do think it's time to question why we're more focused on the ship than on the destination or journey with God?! Perhaps to illustrate, I would liken it to a group of people who are passionate about going to visit Alaska. But once their dingy gets upgraded to a palatial decked out cruise ship...they become more concerned with all the luxuries and programming available on board...and the focus on Alaskan exploration gets lost along the way.

To continue with this illustration...I feel like I got a glimpse of the destination from the upper deck through the dense fog and I've launched one of the little life rafts off of the cruise ship. But now I've washed up on a little island. From my unfortunate vantage point, I can see the ship with all its well-fed and entertained passengers...but I can also see the beautiful mountainous Alaskan wilderness in the distance, waiting to be explored. Only, I'm not headed that direction either...not yet anyway. I'm too angry for falling, jumping, or being tossed overboard (not sure what really happened). And for now, it seems that I have no recourse but to sit still and wait for an appropriate vessel to appear so I can set sail for the holy wild land God has promised.

Sleeping Beauty

I'm in an argument with my daughter of 3 years right now. She is trying to convince me that a sticker on my computer is Sleeping Beauty rather than Cinderella. Now I'm calling her Sleeping Beauty and she says "I not Sleeping Beauty...see my hair" (she says holding up a lock of her own hair to show me the different color) "Sleeping Beauty has yellow hair!"

"Well then," I say "I will call you Jaquey the Beautiful."

She smirks and reluctantly decides "I guess you can call me that."

I hope she will continue in her simple, innocent, creative, and energetic approach to life for many more years.

There definitely comes a point when simplicity gives way to complexity...innocence is darkened with shame...and the energy necessary to simply exist is daily spent with many minutes leftover. But I have to believe that this is living under the curse and not the blessing. Why would we choose to live in Genesis 3 rather than chapter 2?

In some ways right now, I feel this incredible amount of freedom and decreased anxiety. Our lives have really been simplified. We no longer spend 4 or 5 of our evenings each week "doing church." Faith and spirituality are integrated into our everyday lives in what seems to be a more healthy way. On the other hand, my level of spiritual "activity" and ministry involvement is so drastically reduced that I feel like a back-slidden heathen. I'm exaggerating a bit...but I definitely have a nagging sense that in walking away from church (for the most part) that I've walked away from God. But I'm wondering if that is just the result of being in an unhealthy balance for so many years?

Our search for a place and a gathering continues. I think if I can put aside some petty irritations and be a little more optimistic, we can settle in at LifeSpring and get to know some people there. Part of the reluctance on my part, though, has to do with the uncertainty of where we'll be living in six more months. I don't think the current situation (with my wonderful in-laws) can continue much beyond that time fram, but it just depends on how quickly we can turn things around financially.

We shall see.

Transition = Confusion

As I look back over some of my oldests posts, I notice how infrequently I encounter those 'moments of clarity' that I often look for. Life is so complex and multi-faceted...I find myself at a real loss when it comes to taking any kind of decisive action. It's like the mass of tangled cords and wires behind my computer desk. The wires and cables buried within seem so tangled...it's just going to take some plug-pulling to make sense of the mess.

And to make matters worse...the only comments and emails I received on that last post were from UofM fans! I love you guys, but my Buckeyes are looking pretty good...especially if you're going to struggle against Ball State, eh?! Actually, I'm really looking forward to the battle on Nov 18th...and hope to see both teams bring it.

Go Bucks!

The Scarlet & Gray continue their beautiful journey towards an Arizona Championship game. They always seem to have one bad quarter though. Hopefully, that won't be the quarter that Michigan decides to turn it on...like against Ball State yesterday.

The Buckeyes shoud've had about 40 points against Illinois but a win's a win, eh?!

The Starbucks schedule is really wearing me down right now. Fortunately, the scenery will change soon as I was promoted to an assistant manager position at a store in Newport, KY...just south of downtown Cincinnati. Hopefully, that will also lead to a more family-friendly schedule. Starbucks certainly is less stressful and demanding than ministry...but I always miss the autonomy and flexibility ministry provided. Don't worry, I'm not brushing off the resume...just whining.

I asked my trainer at Gold's to change up my leg workout Friday morning. He must have heard me say inhumanely intensify my leg workout...cause I'm having trouble negotiating steps and even some flat terrain today. I have about two weeks until my big certification exam for personal training. Hopefully it won't be painful to sit for three hours by then.

An After Photo

(I won't show you my 'before' photo since that would just look like I'm going to sell you some magic juice and a book) I think when I get certified as a fitness trainer, I'll automatically morph into this guy. That'll be sweet. Actually, looking at this hardbody reminds me that there's a dangerous vanity trap in this fitness endeavor/kick that I'm on. But I don't think I'll have to worry about EVER looking this ripped. I'll just be glad to fit into the 32" jeans I just bought to motivate me towards that goal by Thankgiving.

So for those who have been following my blog lately, this seems to be completely off the subject and random. But I actually have an interview with a gym owner in downtown Cincinnati this coming Tuesday. We have a mutual friend at Starbucks who gave me the lead. I also just scheduled my exam now that I have the CPR thing out of the way. I take a 3-hour computer-based exam on Tuesday Nov 21st at 9am. That gives me just over 3 weeks to absorb a gigantic fitness text and memorize every muscle in the body and how to train it...at least 3 different ways!

Back to the church dilemma, Deb and the girls had a rough night and slept in this morning so I took advantage of the opportunity to attend at St. E's again in Norwood. Something just really clicks when I'm there and I can't even articulate what it is. And interestingly, I was noticing today how diverse this group of people is. From socio-economics to politics...it's really not what I would call a homogenous group of people...much like the groups you find at the traditional churches we've been a part of in the past.

I sure appreciate all the great comments folks have been leaving on my blog here. Keep it coming! The words of wisdom, advice, suggestions, cautions, rebukes, etc...are all good to hear.

Gracious Comments

As I opened up my hotmailbox tonight, I had this nervous anxiety over what I might read. As I read over comments from James, Brandon, and Jason, I was reminded of what gracious and Godly friends I have. Thanks to each of you for the good insights (except for the Caribou reference!) and ways in which you help me re-examine and re-direct my often irrational knee-jerk blog'bursts.

(Just kidding Jason...I can even respect your affection for Caribou. Half of their employees in Columbus were prior Starbucks partners I think! I just hosted a coffee seminar at Starbucks today for about a dozen java lovers and it's really bizarre how much I love to explore, taste, and share coffee with others. Regardless of what kind of coffee it is and where it's grown...there's such a great story behind each coffee bean, the hands that harvested it, and the final fortunate recipient of the brew. I'm sure there's a spiritual analogy here, but I'm fighting the urge to spiritualize everything.)

To James, I'd just like to say blessings on the exploration ahead and the redefining of your role in the tribe, denomination, and community. I celebrate alongside you guys over the path your family is now traveling. Wish I could join you to hear JW.

To Brandon...let's definitely get together soon. We're looking at the Norwood area as a potential place to put down some new roots. One of the reasons would be proximity to Xavier and a chance to do some studying there. I completely respect all that you're saying about staying, learning, and working through the issues of church where the "grind" definitely adds more flavor to the cup from which you're drinking.

To Jason...thanks for clashing the iron together for me and revealing a blind spot in my critique. I definitely don't think two wrongs make a right...but your point is well taken. I'd like to think we would personally be much more generous with our abundance than we have in the past. Of course, it may be awhile before we know "abundance" again. Starbucks doesn't pay me HALF of what BCN did!

To the rest of you...Shalom!

May the peace of Christ be with you

Gracious Comments

As I opened up my hotmailbox tonight, I had this nervous anxiety over what I might read. As I read over comments from James, Brandon, and Jason, I was reminded of what gracious and Godly friends I have. Thanks to each of you for the good insights (except for the Caribou reference!) and ways in which you help me re-examine and re-direct my often irrational knee-jerk blog'bursts.

(Just kidding Jason...I can even respect your affection for Caribou. Half of their employees in Columbus were prior Starbucks partners I think! I just hosted a coffee seminar at Starbucks today for about a dozen java lovers and it's really bizarre how much I love to explore, taste, and share coffee with others. Regardless of what kind of coffee it is and where it's grown...there's such a great story behind each coffee bean, the hands that harvested it, and the final fortunate recipient of the brew. I'm sure there's a spiritual analogy here, but I'm fighting the urge to spiritualize everything.)

To James, I'd just like to say blessings on the exploration ahead and the redefining of your role in the tribe, denomination, and community. I celebrate alongside you guys over the path your family is now traveling. Wish I could join you to hear JW.

To Brandon...let's definitely get together soon. We're looking at the Norwood area as a potential place to put down some new roots. One of the reasons would be proximity to Xavier and a chance to do some studying there. I completely respect all that you're saying about staying, learning, and working through the issues of church where the "grind" definitely adds more flavor to the cup from which you're drinking.

To Jason...thanks for clashing the iron together for me and revealing a blind spot in my critique. I definitely don't think two wrongs make a right...but your point is well taken. I'd like to think we would personally be much more generous with our abundance than we have in the past. Of course, it may be awhile before we know "abundance" again. Starbucks doesn't pay me HALF of what BCN did!

To the rest of you...Shalom!

May the peace of Christ be with you

From Comment to Post

This began as a comment on a friends blog but grew into something I thought I should just post here. Here are a couple of comments I've excised from his entry which you can feel free to check out here in its entirety.

I’ve realized more and more lately how much I appreciate being in a group
of people with whom I often disagree, notably my church. I tend to give a
hard time to people that have abandoned the church. I’m beginning to
figure out why it is so valuable to stay.

If I had left the church, or found a church where everyone was just like
me, where it was easy to be me and easy to be friendly and like people…what
would I accomplish?

I'm not sure why, but his comments and posts like these are just ticking me off! That's not necessarily a bad thing because it makes me process things a little more and look more at WHY I feel/think the way I do. But what does one mean by "abadoning the church"
...abandoning YOUR church?
And abandoning A church is much different from abandoning THE CHURCH.
Of course, my "abandonment" (which is not yet complete) includes an element of reaction. I'm reacting against the machinery and convolution of being on staff at a church that spends 90% of it's resources on staff and facilities and maybe 10% on mission and compassionate generous activity(that stat is fairly accurate for all 4 churches at which I've served). Now speaking of being reactionary, I suppose I could just react to my friend's blog as well (we really are friends!) but I'll resist the urge to do that by presenting a case for my exit from the church.

I've been listening to a couple of guys on the "God Journey" podcast who are having some good conversations on this topic. It's obvious that they've both exited what most of us would describe as conventional or traditional church. And they often speak of the unproductive "us" vs. "them" terminology and blame games which are commonplace in this arena of religious vs. relational approaches to God. Even describing the conflict as "religous vs. relational" creates a critical and defensive posture and attitude. Most conventional/traditional churches would argue that they believe in authentic relationship with God rather than religious obligatory spiritual behavior (pharisaical or legalistic). From my current perspective...which is kind of in between both worlds...I definitely see some very unhealthy sytemic, institutional, and religious dysfunction which has to be addressed. I will not further jeopardize my spiritual health or that of my family for the sake of loyalty and peacemaking.

My thoughts keep spinning off in many different directions which makes it very difficult to craft a sensical thesis here. And I won't deny that there's some defensiveness and reaction in my heart as well as my blog. But I honestly believe you can abandon a church without abandoning THE Church.

I Guess Wedgies Aren't "PC"

Occasionally I actually read some of the news articles which are linked from my homepage. I suppose it's my version of reading the daily newspaper (which I don't actually do).

One of the articles I read today was about a principal in Montana who was suspended because he gave a senior soccer player a wedgie. Apparently he pulled his jersey over his head and then yanked on the ol' underwear band (aka...the wedgie). Obviously, many people in the community were outraged and demanding his resignation while some had a more humane and forgiving attitude. But I like what the principle himself said about the incident...

He said his first reaction was to resign, but he wanted to "tackle this mess" head on. "I want to live in a world where we don't have to hide when we screw up," he said.

Isn't that our first reaction when we mess up? To run and hide...or disappear for awhile...or move to a new place...or stitch together some fig leaves for clothes.

Good Starbucks News

An encouraging phone call came from my district manager at Starbucks today. I've been offered a position as assistant manager which brings me back to where I left off with Starbucks in Columbus. That's very good news since it means a pay increase and a step closer to getting my own store. I'm really hoping that happens by the end of next summer. I'll try to be a little more patient with the process this time and not bail out when something looks a little "greener." The promotion will take effect in a couple of weeks and most likely mean relocating to a new store. That will mean a bit more of a drive...but the change of scenery will be nice.

Have you ever gotten stuck in the rut of regret?
I'm there.

As I look back and replay the last coupld of years over in my head, I have these massive episodes of "what if?" and "if only..." It makes me sense a connection with those individuals who don't seem able to get beyond something in their past. Typically, I think that happens when people are wronged or victimized in some way...it becomes very difficult to "get over it" and move ahead. For me, it's more of this gnawing sense of how much better our lives (the family) would be had we.... And just to be painfully vulnerable once again (though I often regret that too), I'm holding God mostly responsible. How I begged and prayed for God to give us clear direction and show us some definitive path to follow. All I got was the spiritual version of crickets chirping. So we moved forward with what seemed prudent, spiritual, logical, and the right thing to do. Now I can't seem to deal with how much it sucks. Want to cast doubt on my/our relationship with God at the time as the explanation for the lack of direct communication and guidance? Feel free...but God knows what my heart and motivations have been over the past 15 years! I don't think it's that...I think there's something very sinister going on...and it continues.

Dangit! This post started off so positively too?!

By the way, Brandon...great point about the cup/sleeve thing!

My Achin' Glutes

So I had a great leg workout at Gold's before heading over to Starbucks. Doing that right before an 8-hour shift is not what I'd call ideal timing. But I was glad to get back to the gym after missing a coupld of days. We spent Friday/Saturday with the younger bro and his family in Indy. Good times, I must say!

Tomorrow I am supposed to meet with my District Manager and another DM in the area for a sort of interview. I'm hoping to make the jump back to an assistant manager role for Starbucks. That would sure help our case financially...especially if I can get my store back into the "bonus" realm! Then I would hope to be bumped up to a position as store manager by next summer if not earlier. A year or two as a store manager should be good preparation for becoming a district manager. Then perhaps one more jump up to regional director in 2012 to finish up the Starbucks journey. Should be fun.

In the meantime, I'm very close to finishing my certification with ACE in order to start some personal training on the side. I have to knock out a CPR class next weekend and then take a 3-hour exam in early November. About two more weeks of studying should do the trick. Once I'm certified, I'll either try to start training some clients at Gold's or get connected with another gym in the Norwood/Silverton area. I have a Starbucks connection which could help out a latte!

Now on to spiritual concerns. To follow-up with my last post, let's just say I've taken someone's suggestion to relax a bit and give God and myself some time to adjust to all the transitions we're still navigating. It's a relief to think that I don't have to "fix" this problem immediately. Instead, I'll just take advantage of opportunities to cultivate some community here and there and allow God to work through some relationships and friendships for the time being.

Unfortunately though...I had a difficult worship experience this morning. I'm trying to do what feels to me to be the "right thing" and attend a gathering which I'm not crazy about. I want to give it more time because it does seem to be a good fit for our family as a whole. But I had some issues with the message as well as the worship and the whole environment to be truthful. I'm sure there's a part of me that pretty much wants to be part of a different gathering...so it's hard to be objective. I'll keep trying...so all the Nazarene loyalists will be happy! (just messing with you guys... ;-)

Blessings,
Chris

A Painful Path

I was just catching up with the recent posts of a college friend who found out last week that she has breast cancer. Reading the combination of humor and hurt certainly jolts something within me right now.

What is cancer? I'm obviously no oncologist or remotely educated on the subject, but my basic understanding is that it's the presence of destructive mutated unhealthy cells and tissue in the body. And apparently, the only way to fight it...is to consume or be exposed to a treatment which kills not only the cancer but surrounding tissue as well.

To make an oversimplified analogy...I'm wondering if I have an emotional or spiritual cancer (the latter could perhaps be identified with sin...but that's not necessarily what I'm talking about). What I mean to say is that I seem to have something destructive, negative, and cynical growing within me...and it's killing some of the healthy parts. For instance, I'm very cynical right now about all the spiritual disciplines and exercises which I've engaged in (religiously and mostly out of obligation) for the past 25 years or so. So things like prayer, reading scripture, and corporate worship just seem like exercises in ambivalence.

Obviously, I need to find some creative way to incorporate these spiritual "disciplines" back into my daily diet. But I have this heightened sensitivity right now towards anything that's inauthentic or towards doing anything religious simply because it's the right thing to do. All those things should flow naturally from a healthy relationship with God...right?! But is there a way to develop a healthy relationship with God apart from doing those things?. Spiritual Catch 22, eh?!

But back to my friend, Andrea, and her present struggle. It reminds me that I'm grumbling and feeling kind of pathetic towards my current situation. Pathetic...pathological...path...I'm not enjoying this part of the path. So why can I not just CHOOSE and DECIDE and WILL myself down a different path? That's what I would like to do.

Love Me Some Chick Fil-A

Maybe some lighter trivial posting is in order...?!

I've been enjoying frequent visits to the new Chick Fil-A which is right next door to our Starbucks (just a bit more than a stone's throw I suppose). I was the fourth person out of 100 to camp out before opening day and get 52 free combo meals the first Wed/Thur of October.

For anyone interested, there's another Chick Fil-A opening Wed/Thurs Nov 2nd here on the eastside of Cincinnati (Beechmont Ave) and then one in Grove City (Columbus) on Nov 16th. People start lining up 24 hours prior to the grand opening...so you have to get there on Wednesday before 100 people show up (usually between 4-10pm) and then camp out in the parking lot until the 6am opening to win your prize. It's $260 worth of Chick Fil-A!! They're going to make great little stocking stuffers...not to mention I haven't spent a dime on my lunch breaks since my decision to eat more chickin'. I'll be at the Beechmont & Grove City openings...so feel free to join me!! Better dress warmly.

As for my new physically fit alter ego...the workouts are still going very well at Gold's gym. I'm down from 212 lbs. when I started (September 2nd) to about 193 to 195 lbs!! I've lost 1.5 inches around the waist as well as 1.5 inches from each of my thighs! The jeans are hanging kinda of loose for the first time in...well, ever! But this coming week I'll slow down to 4-5 workouts per week instead of 6. The schedule hasn't been real family friendly. I'm still studying the books and information to be certified through A.C.E. as a personal trainer. Then I hope to start working at a gym and training some folks for about 10-15 hours/week.

Which leads me to Starbucks. I'm having some issues with the coffee conglomerate right now. Some of them stem from management issues at my local store. Mis-management I should say! But beyond that, my newfound passion for health and fitness has me irritated at how much Starbucks is contributing to the obesity of Americans and other global citizens. Just tonight I had a customer (young female) ask me what was in a white mocha, because she was putting on weight ever since she started drinking them. Well, that's because the white mocha is about the sweetest most flippin' fattening thing you could order at Starbucks!! And another thing is really irking me...an issue related more to conservation and the environment. I find myself getting angry when nearly every customer starts whining for a..."drink thingy," "cup holder," "hand warmer," which is actually known as a sleeve. Now I know people are paying enough to deserve the total Starbucks experience (which I guess includes the sleeve), but would it kill you to save a few trees?! A latte is not hot enough to burn you unless you order it extra hot. And is the frappuccino really so cold or moist that you need one on that drink too?! I just want to say "No! You don't need a damn sleeve for your tall 140 degree latte!" Just TRY to be a little more "green" for once.

So apparently I can't even talk about trivial things without going on a rant.

By the way, what are you reading (blogs, podcasts, other forms of media) that you think I would enjoy? Leave me a link.

My Cycle of Discontent

A couple of days ago, I was fortunate to spend some time with my best buds from Columbus. I knew I needed to get away for a day or so and talk some things over with those who have known me best for the longest time (besides my brothers...the next get-a-way will be to Indy!)

Unfortunately, the discussion about all things spiritual, emotional, marital, vocational, and trivial regarding my life revealed a seriously flawed common thread running through the fabric of my recent and not-so-recent past. Discontentment...it plagues me. There are hints of it throughout my late adolescence and early adulthood. But the most obvious instances began cropping up towards the end of our time in Westerville. And now I find myself in a pattern of seasonal contentment which only lasts a few months before this primal desire to flee emerges once again.

And the real problem is not knowing the source of this discontentment. Is it primarily a spiritual problem? Do I just need to pull up the spiritual bootstraps and 'get over it?!' Or is it vocational? Is it marital? Does it have to do with my calling? Am I being disobedient by not serving in some official pastoral role? Is it just a by-product of living with your in-laws and hoping the pieces of your life fall back into place within the next 9 or 10 months? I really don't know the cause or root problem.

I just had to delete a whole big paragraph because it just degenerated into whining and a gripe session. I'll try to spare you all of anymore of that stuff. Speaking of whining...my girls are terrible at bedtime! They're incredible cute and sweet the other 12-16 hours of the day. But if there's anything to worry or cry about at bedtime...my 7 and 3 year old girls are all over it. Jess and I did have a great daddy-daughter bowling date this morning though. Precious moments, eh?!

Man of Extremes

Yeah...as I read back over my post from last night...I regret that emotional outburst. In my quest for personal fitness and a certification as a trainer, I've learned a bit about muscular anatomy and how muscle fibers work. They operate by the all-or-nothing principle. A muscle fiber either fully exerts itself or isn't activated at all (cardiac and vascular muscle tissue is different). I often feel like I operate by the same all-or-nothing principle. For some reason, I've not been real good at balance lately...emotional or spiritual.

Is anyone watching Studio 60? I think the way they're dealing with Christianity is pretty interesting. The writers definitely identify at least two versions of Christianity. One is ultra-conservative, political, evangelical, and pretty unattractive. The other is something that apprears to be a little more authentic, compassionate, inclusive, and gracious. That dichotomy has been around a very long time. So why didn't the early followers of Christ just remain Jewish and incarnationally reform the church of the day? Why was it necessary to break fellowship with all those God-fearing, God-honoring synagogue occupants?! Jesus didn't come to start a new church did he? Jesus wasn't a Christian...he was a Jew.

Is every "church" the Bride?

There are certainly many things at stake in my life right now...but this issue of "church" seems to be right at the center of it all. I can appreciate that many of you have this determined sense of messianic calling to your local instituations. But part of the problem now is that we have no local institution. We're in a completely new environment, living temporarily in an area I'm quite sure we won't settle in, trying to dig out of a seemingly insurmountable hell-hole of debt, navigating a treacherous road of familial tension, and add to that a complete and utter desperate sense that my entire Christian experience up to this point has set me up for this ultimate failure...as a husband, as a dad, as a provider, as a minister, as a Nazarene, and perhaps in some other unmentionable ways.

And as surely as my emotions overwhelm me in this moment...there is no sense of hope right now that anything good is on the horizon.

Whether or not I exercise some futile attempt at denominational or institutional loyalty is, believe me, NOT even the right discussion to be having. That's not to say it's not an important discussion...just not one that's going to solve anything in my life at the moment.

I don't want to seem ungrateful for anyone's comments, input, or emails...I definitely value them all. I'm just beat down by some bigger issues at the moment. Thanks for your words and prayers.

I'm not getting it

So Sunday mornings continue to be a struggle. I just sit through a service at a church where I'm just not "getting it" which we drove for 30 minutes to get to. Every minute is so predictable because it's the same cookie cutter, new-start, "with-it" Nazarene program. People are not engaged...musically or homiletically. It's not that the leadership is bad or the people aren't sincere...I just feel like after 13 years of being on the "inside" of such a church-event...we're missing the point.

As I walk down the hallway and say good morning to someone...she just looked back down at her feet like I didn't exist. Yeah...grace-filled relationships and community...people aren't quite catching on.

And while I'm sitting through the service with a mental critique list compounding...everyone else seems to get it and go for it and enjoy it(including my family). Again, as I've said before...perhaps it's me. Actually, I'm pretty sure it's me (to some extent). And when conversationally cornered or forced to explain what I don't "get" or what I disagree with...all I attempt to articulate comes out like "well...it just doesn't seem relevant (blah, blah, blah)...it seems like an alternate reality that we've created which exists in near total isolation from the rest of our lives (blah, blah, blah)...it's so self-centered and devoid of compassion, justice, and mercy (blah, blah, blah)...

I'm beating my head against the wall...literally!