I was just catching up with the recent posts of a college friend who found out last week that she has breast cancer. Reading the combination of humor and hurt certainly jolts something within me right now.
What is cancer? I'm obviously no oncologist or remotely educated on the subject, but my basic understanding is that it's the presence of destructive mutated unhealthy cells and tissue in the body. And apparently, the only way to fight it...is to consume or be exposed to a treatment which kills not only the cancer but surrounding tissue as well.
To make an oversimplified analogy...I'm wondering if I have an emotional or spiritual cancer (the latter could perhaps be identified with sin...but that's not necessarily what I'm talking about). What I mean to say is that I seem to have something destructive, negative, and cynical growing within me...and it's killing some of the healthy parts. For instance, I'm very cynical right now about all the spiritual disciplines and exercises which I've engaged in (religiously and mostly out of obligation) for the past 25 years or so. So things like prayer, reading scripture, and corporate worship just seem like exercises in ambivalence.
Obviously, I need to find some creative way to incorporate these spiritual "disciplines" back into my daily diet. But I have this heightened sensitivity right now towards anything that's inauthentic or towards doing anything religious simply because it's the right thing to do. All those things should flow naturally from a healthy relationship with God...right?! But is there a way to develop a healthy relationship with God apart from doing those things?. Spiritual Catch 22, eh?!
But back to my friend, Andrea, and her present struggle. It reminds me that I'm grumbling and feeling kind of pathetic towards my current situation. Pathetic...pathological...path...I'm not enjoying this part of the path. So why can I not just CHOOSE and DECIDE and WILL myself down a different path? That's what I would like to do.
3 comments:
By no means would I ever attempt to think I understand more spiritually than you or Bill. However, in my own struggles and experience, it seems like you're trying to "WILL" yourself into fixing these areas in your own life. Although what I believe will come across as more actions in ambivalence, I think maybe your best course would be to try to give up completely with the utmost request to God to fill you with what needs to be in the void of your life right now.
It is humorous, in a tragic kind of way, how similar we are. I am wrestling with virtually identical feelings.
There are not alternatives to prayer, scripture, gathering with other believers, etc....Having said that, let me suggest that you stop trying to get yourself to want to do these things. Get yourself around some other believers and trust them, relax, give it some time. Let the dust of your spiritual pursuit settle a bit. Stop flailing around and looking for a fix of some sort. God will not abandon you. At the right time movement, insight, whatever, will happen. In the meantime your introspection is highly suspect.
Jesus struggled with doing what was expected of him . . . accepting our sin and being murdered in our place (you'll remember He asked if there was any other way). But, He sucked it up and did what He knew was the right thing (and we can never, ever thank Him enough). Sometimes we just have to suck it up and do what we know is right (and we know it's right because it's in His Word . . . prayer, learning the scripture, the fellowship of believers) even when we don't feel like it, either out of emotional or spiritual or physical exhaustion. Speaking of exhaustion, guard yourself (physically, emotionally and spiritually) from allowing/persuing that exhaustion. It opens a door for the deceiver to whisper lies to your heart, like it's all for not and Jesus doesn't care.
I'm reminded of a song we used to sing in the old days (and that I said old days is an entire topic unot itself)
"Does Jeus care when my hear is pained too deeply for mirth and song, as the burdens press, and the cares distress and the way grows weary and long?
Does Jesus care when my way is dark with a nameless dread and fear? As the daylight fades into deep night shades, does He care enough to be near?
Oh yes, He cares, I know He cares, His heart is touched with my grief; when the days are weary, the long nights dreary, I know my Savior cares!"
I would encourage you to seek out an "old saint" and let them encourage you with their story.
Love you, brother.
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