There are certainly many things at stake in my life right now...but this issue of "church" seems to be right at the center of it all. I can appreciate that many of you have this determined sense of messianic calling to your local instituations. But part of the problem now is that we have no local institution. We're in a completely new environment, living temporarily in an area I'm quite sure we won't settle in, trying to dig out of a seemingly insurmountable hell-hole of debt, navigating a treacherous road of familial tension, and add to that a complete and utter desperate sense that my entire Christian experience up to this point has set me up for this ultimate failure...as a husband, as a dad, as a provider, as a minister, as a Nazarene, and perhaps in some other unmentionable ways.
And as surely as my emotions overwhelm me in this moment...there is no sense of hope right now that anything good is on the horizon.
Whether or not I exercise some futile attempt at denominational or institutional loyalty is, believe me, NOT even the right discussion to be having. That's not to say it's not an important discussion...just not one that's going to solve anything in my life at the moment.
I don't want to seem ungrateful for anyone's comments, input, or emails...I definitely value them all. I'm just beat down by some bigger issues at the moment. Thanks for your words and prayers.
3 comments:
The church is the "bride" of Christ, but that's not to say all of them have it together. Our heritage was a great one, but it's left us lacking on what we feel should have been the life we were heading towards.
When I was in college you sent me a verse (Jeremiah 29:11) of encouragement when I needed it, and although the reasons behind both of our struggles were very different, the sense of no hope, future, or joy was definitely present.
I can emphathize with you in your situation right now, I absolutely understand the feelings you're having right now of failur in every major area of your life. IT'S NOT TRUE!
Nothing else may seem right at this point, but let me tell you need to focus on the things that are true: God is in control and your family is there to support you. You need to cling to your wife and kids and have them bring you encouragement, purely on the fact that they are your family and your source of joy right now.
Jason is right, you are not a failure. And I don't say that to discount your feelings. Your despondency (depression of spirit from loss of courage or hope; dejection) is a valid feeling and no one (aside from God) can tell you otherwise. But I want to encourage you to hold tightly to your wife. I know (from personal experience and from watching others) that to not cling desperately to eachother now is a recipe for heartbreak . . . and not your's alone.
There is help to be had with the finances. Give me a call and I'll point you in the right direction.
My heart aches for you . . . I know the tension of living with relatives. It's a strain that shouldn't be.
But I also know the joy to be found on the other side of this, Christopher. And all I can do (besides love you, pray for you and be the best friend I know how for you) is to encourage you to hold tightly to the head knowledge (because sometimes our heart fails us) that God loves you so much that He sacrificed His only child to redeem His relationship with you. He would never forsake you. He would move heaven and earth to bring you home to Him. It would be the height of cruelty for Him to put a call on your heart and desert you, and He is not cruel.
There is a host of people who love you, Christopher. And as Aaron and Hur did for Moses we're willing to support you.
I love you, brother.
I know exactly how you feel but I don't think the church issue is the epicenter of your problems. To say it another way, if church wasn't a problem for you right now I doubt you would be giving attention to the other issues. Church/ministry were likely a good hiding place and distraction from more core issues. Having said that, I do think the church thing is critical just not central.
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