After a recent conversation with Deb (my wife) regarding my current perspective on spiritual things, I was forced to spend a little more time reflecting on my "God journey" these days. Regardless of HOW I got to this point...it's exactly where I'm at and therefore the starting place for each new day.
First of all, I'm a bit angry.
This is an important piece of background information to be aware of. That I'm angry is obvious to me. Why I'm angry is a little less clear. Some days I just sense an anger and frustration with life and the negative circumstances we're enduring. But on other days (dare I say MOST days) I am particularly disappointed and angry with God. Now I'm not just talking about a momentary lapse of warm fuzzies...it's a potent amount of fury which I can't find any more appropriate target for than God. In order to protect a tiny amount of privacy and dignity for myself and my family, I won't share particular details here...but suffice it to say that over the past 3 years or so, I perceive that God has allowed some pretty rotten things to transpire in our lives. And the worst of it is that we completely trusted God to lead and provide the entire time. We begged and pleaded for God to give us direction on certain matters! And it would be one thing to feel like God screwed me over personally. But it's more serious than that. The way I see it...God has actually acted against us as a family...including my faithful servant-hearted wife...and my innocent little girls.
So to review (for those who wish to be active listeners), what I'm saying is that I feel God has rewarded twelve years of pastoral labor and service with the darkest days and deepest valley of our married and parental lives. It's fair to say that I have a continuously simmering soup of anger within which I marinate daily.
Now...having admitted that unhealthy bit of information...let me connect some of the dots which might illustrate where I'm at on matters of "church." The "church" has been a willing participant in my demise...as well as the spiritual demise of many others. Although many churches are doing some good things and have the best of intentions, I think that the general state of the church in most of its sectarian manifestations (whether evangelical, mainline protestant, catholic, etc) is an unhealthy system of religious activity and organization. One of the guys from the God Journey podcast (can't remember if it was Wayne or Brad) referred to a pastor who basically stated that being a successful church growing/planting pastor by today's standards requires of set of skills which doesn't necessarily include a dynamic and authentic transforming relationship with Jesus. And I found that very true in my 12 years of youth ministry. Being a success in the eyes of parents, students, and peers demanded many things of me...but genuine spiritual intimacy with God was not necessarily one of them. Is the church directly to blame for my un-mentored and under-developed spiritual journey? I don't believe so. But you have to admit there's something wrong with a system/"church" which praises the administratively and oratorically gifted person...but immediately disqualifies and abandons the leader who shows any signs of moral weakness or failure though it's own deficient environment of accountability and true soul care is mostly to blame.
I'm not saying it's time for all of us to abandon the ship...but I do think it's time to question why we're more focused on the ship than on the destination or journey with God?! Perhaps to illustrate, I would liken it to a group of people who are passionate about going to visit Alaska. But once their dingy gets upgraded to a palatial decked out cruise ship...they become more concerned with all the luxuries and programming available on board...and the focus on Alaskan exploration gets lost along the way.
To continue with this illustration...I feel like I got a glimpse of the destination from the upper deck through the dense fog and I've launched one of the little life rafts off of the cruise ship. But now I've washed up on a little island. From my unfortunate vantage point, I can see the ship with all its well-fed and entertained passengers...but I can also see the beautiful mountainous Alaskan wilderness in the distance, waiting to be explored. Only, I'm not headed that direction either...not yet anyway. I'm too angry for falling, jumping, or being tossed overboard (not sure what really happened). And for now, it seems that I have no recourse but to sit still and wait for an appropriate vessel to appear so I can set sail for the holy wild land God has promised.
3 comments:
That makes me mad.
very powerful post and very insightful! thanks for leading the way in honesty.
Hey Chris,
Really enjoyed your post. Been there--done that--still doing that. I was given a book by a mentor friend of mine called "A CRITICAL JOURNEY" (that is not my mentor's name but the name of the book). Very helpful and insightful.
As for the 'church,' they seem to be the only group of people eagerly willing to shoot it's own wounded.
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