From Comment to Post

This began as a comment on a friends blog but grew into something I thought I should just post here. Here are a couple of comments I've excised from his entry which you can feel free to check out here in its entirety.

I’ve realized more and more lately how much I appreciate being in a group
of people with whom I often disagree, notably my church. I tend to give a
hard time to people that have abandoned the church. I’m beginning to
figure out why it is so valuable to stay.

If I had left the church, or found a church where everyone was just like
me, where it was easy to be me and easy to be friendly and like people…what
would I accomplish?

I'm not sure why, but his comments and posts like these are just ticking me off! That's not necessarily a bad thing because it makes me process things a little more and look more at WHY I feel/think the way I do. But what does one mean by "abadoning the church"
...abandoning YOUR church?
And abandoning A church is much different from abandoning THE CHURCH.
Of course, my "abandonment" (which is not yet complete) includes an element of reaction. I'm reacting against the machinery and convolution of being on staff at a church that spends 90% of it's resources on staff and facilities and maybe 10% on mission and compassionate generous activity(that stat is fairly accurate for all 4 churches at which I've served). Now speaking of being reactionary, I suppose I could just react to my friend's blog as well (we really are friends!) but I'll resist the urge to do that by presenting a case for my exit from the church.

I've been listening to a couple of guys on the "God Journey" podcast who are having some good conversations on this topic. It's obvious that they've both exited what most of us would describe as conventional or traditional church. And they often speak of the unproductive "us" vs. "them" terminology and blame games which are commonplace in this arena of religious vs. relational approaches to God. Even describing the conflict as "religous vs. relational" creates a critical and defensive posture and attitude. Most conventional/traditional churches would argue that they believe in authentic relationship with God rather than religious obligatory spiritual behavior (pharisaical or legalistic). From my current perspective...which is kind of in between both worlds...I definitely see some very unhealthy sytemic, institutional, and religious dysfunction which has to be addressed. I will not further jeopardize my spiritual health or that of my family for the sake of loyalty and peacemaking.

My thoughts keep spinning off in many different directions which makes it very difficult to craft a sensical thesis here. And I won't deny that there's some defensiveness and reaction in my heart as well as my blog. But I honestly believe you can abandon a church without abandoning THE Church.

I Guess Wedgies Aren't "PC"

Occasionally I actually read some of the news articles which are linked from my homepage. I suppose it's my version of reading the daily newspaper (which I don't actually do).

One of the articles I read today was about a principal in Montana who was suspended because he gave a senior soccer player a wedgie. Apparently he pulled his jersey over his head and then yanked on the ol' underwear band (aka...the wedgie). Obviously, many people in the community were outraged and demanding his resignation while some had a more humane and forgiving attitude. But I like what the principle himself said about the incident...

He said his first reaction was to resign, but he wanted to "tackle this mess" head on. "I want to live in a world where we don't have to hide when we screw up," he said.

Isn't that our first reaction when we mess up? To run and hide...or disappear for awhile...or move to a new place...or stitch together some fig leaves for clothes.

Good Starbucks News

An encouraging phone call came from my district manager at Starbucks today. I've been offered a position as assistant manager which brings me back to where I left off with Starbucks in Columbus. That's very good news since it means a pay increase and a step closer to getting my own store. I'm really hoping that happens by the end of next summer. I'll try to be a little more patient with the process this time and not bail out when something looks a little "greener." The promotion will take effect in a couple of weeks and most likely mean relocating to a new store. That will mean a bit more of a drive...but the change of scenery will be nice.

Have you ever gotten stuck in the rut of regret?
I'm there.

As I look back and replay the last coupld of years over in my head, I have these massive episodes of "what if?" and "if only..." It makes me sense a connection with those individuals who don't seem able to get beyond something in their past. Typically, I think that happens when people are wronged or victimized in some way...it becomes very difficult to "get over it" and move ahead. For me, it's more of this gnawing sense of how much better our lives (the family) would be had we.... And just to be painfully vulnerable once again (though I often regret that too), I'm holding God mostly responsible. How I begged and prayed for God to give us clear direction and show us some definitive path to follow. All I got was the spiritual version of crickets chirping. So we moved forward with what seemed prudent, spiritual, logical, and the right thing to do. Now I can't seem to deal with how much it sucks. Want to cast doubt on my/our relationship with God at the time as the explanation for the lack of direct communication and guidance? Feel free...but God knows what my heart and motivations have been over the past 15 years! I don't think it's that...I think there's something very sinister going on...and it continues.

Dangit! This post started off so positively too?!

By the way, Brandon...great point about the cup/sleeve thing!

My Achin' Glutes

So I had a great leg workout at Gold's before heading over to Starbucks. Doing that right before an 8-hour shift is not what I'd call ideal timing. But I was glad to get back to the gym after missing a coupld of days. We spent Friday/Saturday with the younger bro and his family in Indy. Good times, I must say!

Tomorrow I am supposed to meet with my District Manager and another DM in the area for a sort of interview. I'm hoping to make the jump back to an assistant manager role for Starbucks. That would sure help our case financially...especially if I can get my store back into the "bonus" realm! Then I would hope to be bumped up to a position as store manager by next summer if not earlier. A year or two as a store manager should be good preparation for becoming a district manager. Then perhaps one more jump up to regional director in 2012 to finish up the Starbucks journey. Should be fun.

In the meantime, I'm very close to finishing my certification with ACE in order to start some personal training on the side. I have to knock out a CPR class next weekend and then take a 3-hour exam in early November. About two more weeks of studying should do the trick. Once I'm certified, I'll either try to start training some clients at Gold's or get connected with another gym in the Norwood/Silverton area. I have a Starbucks connection which could help out a latte!

Now on to spiritual concerns. To follow-up with my last post, let's just say I've taken someone's suggestion to relax a bit and give God and myself some time to adjust to all the transitions we're still navigating. It's a relief to think that I don't have to "fix" this problem immediately. Instead, I'll just take advantage of opportunities to cultivate some community here and there and allow God to work through some relationships and friendships for the time being.

Unfortunately though...I had a difficult worship experience this morning. I'm trying to do what feels to me to be the "right thing" and attend a gathering which I'm not crazy about. I want to give it more time because it does seem to be a good fit for our family as a whole. But I had some issues with the message as well as the worship and the whole environment to be truthful. I'm sure there's a part of me that pretty much wants to be part of a different gathering...so it's hard to be objective. I'll keep trying...so all the Nazarene loyalists will be happy! (just messing with you guys... ;-)

Blessings,
Chris

A Painful Path

I was just catching up with the recent posts of a college friend who found out last week that she has breast cancer. Reading the combination of humor and hurt certainly jolts something within me right now.

What is cancer? I'm obviously no oncologist or remotely educated on the subject, but my basic understanding is that it's the presence of destructive mutated unhealthy cells and tissue in the body. And apparently, the only way to fight it...is to consume or be exposed to a treatment which kills not only the cancer but surrounding tissue as well.

To make an oversimplified analogy...I'm wondering if I have an emotional or spiritual cancer (the latter could perhaps be identified with sin...but that's not necessarily what I'm talking about). What I mean to say is that I seem to have something destructive, negative, and cynical growing within me...and it's killing some of the healthy parts. For instance, I'm very cynical right now about all the spiritual disciplines and exercises which I've engaged in (religiously and mostly out of obligation) for the past 25 years or so. So things like prayer, reading scripture, and corporate worship just seem like exercises in ambivalence.

Obviously, I need to find some creative way to incorporate these spiritual "disciplines" back into my daily diet. But I have this heightened sensitivity right now towards anything that's inauthentic or towards doing anything religious simply because it's the right thing to do. All those things should flow naturally from a healthy relationship with God...right?! But is there a way to develop a healthy relationship with God apart from doing those things?. Spiritual Catch 22, eh?!

But back to my friend, Andrea, and her present struggle. It reminds me that I'm grumbling and feeling kind of pathetic towards my current situation. Pathetic...pathological...path...I'm not enjoying this part of the path. So why can I not just CHOOSE and DECIDE and WILL myself down a different path? That's what I would like to do.

Love Me Some Chick Fil-A

Maybe some lighter trivial posting is in order...?!

I've been enjoying frequent visits to the new Chick Fil-A which is right next door to our Starbucks (just a bit more than a stone's throw I suppose). I was the fourth person out of 100 to camp out before opening day and get 52 free combo meals the first Wed/Thur of October.

For anyone interested, there's another Chick Fil-A opening Wed/Thurs Nov 2nd here on the eastside of Cincinnati (Beechmont Ave) and then one in Grove City (Columbus) on Nov 16th. People start lining up 24 hours prior to the grand opening...so you have to get there on Wednesday before 100 people show up (usually between 4-10pm) and then camp out in the parking lot until the 6am opening to win your prize. It's $260 worth of Chick Fil-A!! They're going to make great little stocking stuffers...not to mention I haven't spent a dime on my lunch breaks since my decision to eat more chickin'. I'll be at the Beechmont & Grove City openings...so feel free to join me!! Better dress warmly.

As for my new physically fit alter ego...the workouts are still going very well at Gold's gym. I'm down from 212 lbs. when I started (September 2nd) to about 193 to 195 lbs!! I've lost 1.5 inches around the waist as well as 1.5 inches from each of my thighs! The jeans are hanging kinda of loose for the first time in...well, ever! But this coming week I'll slow down to 4-5 workouts per week instead of 6. The schedule hasn't been real family friendly. I'm still studying the books and information to be certified through A.C.E. as a personal trainer. Then I hope to start working at a gym and training some folks for about 10-15 hours/week.

Which leads me to Starbucks. I'm having some issues with the coffee conglomerate right now. Some of them stem from management issues at my local store. Mis-management I should say! But beyond that, my newfound passion for health and fitness has me irritated at how much Starbucks is contributing to the obesity of Americans and other global citizens. Just tonight I had a customer (young female) ask me what was in a white mocha, because she was putting on weight ever since she started drinking them. Well, that's because the white mocha is about the sweetest most flippin' fattening thing you could order at Starbucks!! And another thing is really irking me...an issue related more to conservation and the environment. I find myself getting angry when nearly every customer starts whining for a..."drink thingy," "cup holder," "hand warmer," which is actually known as a sleeve. Now I know people are paying enough to deserve the total Starbucks experience (which I guess includes the sleeve), but would it kill you to save a few trees?! A latte is not hot enough to burn you unless you order it extra hot. And is the frappuccino really so cold or moist that you need one on that drink too?! I just want to say "No! You don't need a damn sleeve for your tall 140 degree latte!" Just TRY to be a little more "green" for once.

So apparently I can't even talk about trivial things without going on a rant.

By the way, what are you reading (blogs, podcasts, other forms of media) that you think I would enjoy? Leave me a link.

My Cycle of Discontent

A couple of days ago, I was fortunate to spend some time with my best buds from Columbus. I knew I needed to get away for a day or so and talk some things over with those who have known me best for the longest time (besides my brothers...the next get-a-way will be to Indy!)

Unfortunately, the discussion about all things spiritual, emotional, marital, vocational, and trivial regarding my life revealed a seriously flawed common thread running through the fabric of my recent and not-so-recent past. Discontentment...it plagues me. There are hints of it throughout my late adolescence and early adulthood. But the most obvious instances began cropping up towards the end of our time in Westerville. And now I find myself in a pattern of seasonal contentment which only lasts a few months before this primal desire to flee emerges once again.

And the real problem is not knowing the source of this discontentment. Is it primarily a spiritual problem? Do I just need to pull up the spiritual bootstraps and 'get over it?!' Or is it vocational? Is it marital? Does it have to do with my calling? Am I being disobedient by not serving in some official pastoral role? Is it just a by-product of living with your in-laws and hoping the pieces of your life fall back into place within the next 9 or 10 months? I really don't know the cause or root problem.

I just had to delete a whole big paragraph because it just degenerated into whining and a gripe session. I'll try to spare you all of anymore of that stuff. Speaking of whining...my girls are terrible at bedtime! They're incredible cute and sweet the other 12-16 hours of the day. But if there's anything to worry or cry about at bedtime...my 7 and 3 year old girls are all over it. Jess and I did have a great daddy-daughter bowling date this morning though. Precious moments, eh?!

Man of Extremes

Yeah...as I read back over my post from last night...I regret that emotional outburst. In my quest for personal fitness and a certification as a trainer, I've learned a bit about muscular anatomy and how muscle fibers work. They operate by the all-or-nothing principle. A muscle fiber either fully exerts itself or isn't activated at all (cardiac and vascular muscle tissue is different). I often feel like I operate by the same all-or-nothing principle. For some reason, I've not been real good at balance lately...emotional or spiritual.

Is anyone watching Studio 60? I think the way they're dealing with Christianity is pretty interesting. The writers definitely identify at least two versions of Christianity. One is ultra-conservative, political, evangelical, and pretty unattractive. The other is something that apprears to be a little more authentic, compassionate, inclusive, and gracious. That dichotomy has been around a very long time. So why didn't the early followers of Christ just remain Jewish and incarnationally reform the church of the day? Why was it necessary to break fellowship with all those God-fearing, God-honoring synagogue occupants?! Jesus didn't come to start a new church did he? Jesus wasn't a Christian...he was a Jew.

Is every "church" the Bride?

There are certainly many things at stake in my life right now...but this issue of "church" seems to be right at the center of it all. I can appreciate that many of you have this determined sense of messianic calling to your local instituations. But part of the problem now is that we have no local institution. We're in a completely new environment, living temporarily in an area I'm quite sure we won't settle in, trying to dig out of a seemingly insurmountable hell-hole of debt, navigating a treacherous road of familial tension, and add to that a complete and utter desperate sense that my entire Christian experience up to this point has set me up for this ultimate failure...as a husband, as a dad, as a provider, as a minister, as a Nazarene, and perhaps in some other unmentionable ways.

And as surely as my emotions overwhelm me in this moment...there is no sense of hope right now that anything good is on the horizon.

Whether or not I exercise some futile attempt at denominational or institutional loyalty is, believe me, NOT even the right discussion to be having. That's not to say it's not an important discussion...just not one that's going to solve anything in my life at the moment.

I don't want to seem ungrateful for anyone's comments, input, or emails...I definitely value them all. I'm just beat down by some bigger issues at the moment. Thanks for your words and prayers.

I'm not getting it

So Sunday mornings continue to be a struggle. I just sit through a service at a church where I'm just not "getting it" which we drove for 30 minutes to get to. Every minute is so predictable because it's the same cookie cutter, new-start, "with-it" Nazarene program. People are not engaged...musically or homiletically. It's not that the leadership is bad or the people aren't sincere...I just feel like after 13 years of being on the "inside" of such a church-event...we're missing the point.

As I walk down the hallway and say good morning to someone...she just looked back down at her feet like I didn't exist. Yeah...grace-filled relationships and community...people aren't quite catching on.

And while I'm sitting through the service with a mental critique list compounding...everyone else seems to get it and go for it and enjoy it(including my family). Again, as I've said before...perhaps it's me. Actually, I'm pretty sure it's me (to some extent). And when conversationally cornered or forced to explain what I don't "get" or what I disagree with...all I attempt to articulate comes out like "well...it just doesn't seem relevant (blah, blah, blah)...it seems like an alternate reality that we've created which exists in near total isolation from the rest of our lives (blah, blah, blah)...it's so self-centered and devoid of compassion, justice, and mercy (blah, blah, blah)...

I'm beating my head against the wall...literally!

Holiness Codes and Organic Church

About every third or fourth article on this site is definitely worth reading. Here's one that deals with "holiness codes" and the destructive legalistic view on alcohol and tobacco. I'm not about to say that all the "holiness" folk need to stop at the pub on the way home or go buy a pipe...but isn't it interesting how unbiblical (or extra-biblical I should say) our prohibitory stand is on these issues?! One could easily proof text a few verses regarding sexual activity and produce complete chastity as being a step on the path to "holiness." And as the article mentions...all the while we're stuffing our faces and ignoring the poor, spending our money in ways which continue the unfair labor practices and substandard wages (doesn't the Bible say the worker is worth his/her wages?).

On a fairly different subject...I continue to read through Organic Church (by Neil Cole). He continues to emphasize the organic nature of the Kingdom of God which is evident in many of Jesus' parables. The parable of the farmer and the seed seems to indicate that planting and spreading seed is our main task. However, in Cole's estimation, most churches (especially the megachurches) are spending most of their time, energy, and efforts in trying to make things grow...finding the right program, implementing the right discipleship/small-group/assimilation strategy, investing in the weekly EVENT rather planting good seed or even preparing adequately for a harvest.

Now, I'm not competely comfortable with everything Cole is saying...for instance, he really seems to be tearing down one method of church planting just to propogate another method. Although the method he is talking about seems to be very true to scripture and the early church's practices...still, I'm not sure it's healthy or helpful to say that true organic and biblical churches or movements are going to multiply like crazy and spread throughout a city in about three weeks. To me, that's missing the point that an organic process is one that takes time, the right conditions, proper environment and climate, etc...

A Good First Date

It felt like a first date in some ways...this past Tuesday evening visit to a buddy's house church gathering. I guess because I have this weird "I hope it works out" feeling about the whole thing.

I thoroughly enjoyed the informal time of sharing a meal and then talking/praying together. Deb was not able to be there with me...so I feel like our attempt to be on the same page in this journey just isn't working out very well.

But the fellowship, conversations, and atmostphere were all exactly what I was hoping for. Careful I must be (hear Yoda's voice narrating my story) not to be prematurely predisposed to putting down some roots in that community and area of Cincinnati.

Well, Starbucks got the best of me today...I am beat and should be in bed already. I have to get up early for a workout and then be back at the cafe by 10am. Blessings....

Re-Brewing at Starbucks

I just had a favorable conversation with my district manager today at Starbucks. Looks like I should be back into position as an ASM (assistant store manager) by the first of November. That was very encouraging indeed!

And with 9 new stores opening in the greater Cincinnati area within the next 18 months...some great opportunities lie ahead.

Tomorrow night I'm really looking forward to meeting with Thurman and his fellow Vineyard Central friends for a house-church gathering down in Norwood. Now that some vocational and physical-fitness goals are coming into focus...let's see where God is leading us from a spiritual and domestic standpoint.

Thoughts and prayers go out to all those who suffered deeply on this day five years ago.
Shalom...

Pain, Gain, and Being Vain

Pain is my new best friend....because in terms of muscle development and fitness pain does indeed = gain.

Here's my new "Fourth Place." (Because I work in my "Third Place.")

I know, it looks like your typical meat locker of a place to work out...but it's my best option while we're in this part of town. And I'm sure many of you realize the unquestionable connection between physical health/discipline and spiritual health/disciplines.

Anyway, I've been to the gym 7 of the last 8 days and am determined that a part of this whole life transition is going to include some health & fitness goals. It's ridiculous how long I've talked about getting into shape...losing some weight...and improving my overall health and energy level. I used to say that I'll be in top physical conditioning and health by the time I'm 30. Well, that was over five years ago! So now I've got less than 5 years to develop the kind of habits which will lead to some great health and physical wholeness for the second half of my life (assuming I don't get hit by a semi while I'm cycling or something).

It may also lead to some additional income within 3 to 6 months as well since I'm pursuing an ACE certification to become a personal trainer. Interesting how much spare time I have now with a normal 40 (or less) hour work week!

P.S. Let's hear it for Zoomtown!!! Cincinnati Bell's DSL service...we are now online and zooming for $20/month and saving lots on the old cable/internet bill (of course, I just spent all that savings on the gym membership, but still...!)

An Encouraging Conversation

As you know from my last post...I recently experienced a real life planes, trains, and automobiles episode. Interestingly, when I missed my flight from KCI to IND, I wasn't real shook up about it. Partly because it was entirely my fault...but I also just had this sense of divine providence in the "air." Well, what resulted from my time mis-management was a very meaningful and enjoyable conversation on the alternate flight to Detroit (where I was to fly standby back down to Indy).

To boil it all down for you, the young lady who sat beside me (who turned out to be a bit older than I thought...but "old" has become such a relative term to me) was a SWF former FBI employee who now owned her own private investigation business. My reply was, "Oh...I loved Magnum P.I." to which she replied, "Me too!" More importantly, she is a devout Catholic (not sure why I always feel the need to qualify a Catholic as devout or not...perhaps the same qualification should precede the adjective of Protestant/Evangelical/Christian as well) who finds herself in a serious relationship with a very sincere Budhist. The relationship is progressing (though marriage has not really been on the conversation menu just yet) and the diversity of religion is finally emerging as the proverbial elephant in the room. When she found out my history and status as a pastor or sorts, she was very interested in my opinion on the whole situation. What makes it problematic is that this guy is morally, ethically, and spiritually superior to probably any "good Catholic" guy she's been in relationships with.

I found it very difficult to lay the whole evangelical spiritual smackdown on her. I mean...I know the whole "no one comes to the Father except through me" and "I am the way, the truth, and the life" etc, etc. But the Spirit just didn't seem to be giving me a green light to say those kinds of things. I suppose it might be because I'm branching out of my own little spiritual box and believe that the way we are conditioned and raised in our own little religious bubbles...results in a very narrow dogma that Jesus might not appreciate. And again...it may just be that I'm out of touch with the Spirit...so why would I be directed by the Spirit in a conversation like that?!

But as she said on the plane...my experience of "branching out" at least leaves me hanging on to the right tree. Budhism is a whole different spiritual ecosystem. But it results in a similar since of morality, compassion, and service to others...so that's kind of confusing.

Anyway...it was a fabulous conversation and we exchanged email addresses so we could both check in on the other's journey and I can find out if she marries the Budha boy!



Next post...I'll share my crazy newfound fitness fettish. For now...I must rest so I can crack some eggs at the crack of dawn and have some breakfast with my darling daughters.

Let the waiting continue

My last post was about waiting...and here I am again.

There is certainly a dark side of the internet. I should have been completely content to sip my Anniversary Blend at the Starbucks just a few hundred yards down the terminal from Northwest gate 63. But the allure and seduction of tapping into a great force of world-wide communication sucked me in. The laptop slithered from it's padded lair and hissed into action. Before I knew it, I had opened myself up to the hypnotic stare of the one-eyed VAIO.

With about 45 minutes before my flight was to board...I hit bloglines and began to catch up on some friends and their blogs thinking I had plenty of time. Suddenly I had this panic attack of time-management anxiety. Sure enough...I had lost track of the time as I was reading, commenting, and following a few rabbit trail links. I threw the serpent back in the bag with a tangled mass of cords and began walking briskly back down the terminal. As I was selected for a more thorough screening...I knew it was going to be too late. I told the screener/agent I was trying to catch the 8:25 flight to Indy and he apathetically replied, "Oh...they already closed the door on that flight since all flights leave ten minutes prior to departure time?"

So I found the next earliest route to Indianapolis (through Detroit) and returned to the gate...to wait some more. Instead of arriving at 10:55am in Indy...it will be more like 2:45pm. It reminds me that much of our waiting and struggle (not that all waiting is a bad thing) comes as a result of our own choices. I think of the other "waiting" which is going on in our lives...
Waiting to get back on track with Starbucks management...
Waiting to get out of debt...
Waiting to find where we'll deepen our roots...
Waiting on the wind of the Spirit to fill my sails once again--which I know is more about waiting on my own attempts to position the sails properly.
Waiting for the restoration of contentment and joy
Waiting....

Well, one kind of waiting is nearing an end...they just started boarding my alternate flight. I better bag the beast and report for stand-by.

Waiting Period

Nothing too philosophical wrapped up in today's title. We're literally waiting...for Adelphia to show up and install some high-speed internet.

I got a new cell phone through Verizon and was trying out their broadband connect service...but it's just not a good deal for the money. We tried to downsize to a single cell phone and relatively no internet (dial-up) but it wasn't working. We'll have to pursue simplicity in every other area!

Anyway, I was wondering how many of those who occasionally stop by my blog have blogs of your own? I'd love to reciprocate the favor of reading and posting if you have something out there I don't already know about. If you do, please post the address in a comment or email it to me at coffeebean71@hotmail.com.

Blessings,

An Excellent Point

A friend commented on my "rigid orthodoxy" post and makes an excellent point. I'll try to respond in such a way that it make sense without going back to read his comment (but you may want to do that anyway).

The most significant point he makes (I think) is that the ideal experience of some type of utopic Kingdom life is not going to magically materialize. I believe, however, that it CAN be a pretty radical departure from traditional ways of 'doing' church. In Neil Cole's book Organic Church, the fourth chapter deals with the 'dangerous question' of defining church. He suggests, "The temptation is to define church accoring to our own experience. We think we know something because of familiarity. By defining church this way, we are assured that we are always right, but this is a cheap solution that perpetuates all our current problems."

Cole goes on to present an understanding of church as "the presence of Jesus among His people called out as a spiritual family to pursue His mission on this planet." The big question that brings up for me right now is...how much of church is about God's mission and how much is about the church itself...as an institution, organization, and pseudo-corporation?!

But back to my own story and the questions raised by my friend. Here are the climactic questions he posed...

And the question I must pose is whether or not you think you are any closer to
this ideal of a community that truly embraces kingdom principles than you were
several years ago? And does bouncing from one place to another help that ideal
become reality?

The short answer would be "yes" and then "no." I guess I would say "yes" to being closer because with every part of the journey and struggle comes learning and growth and because I keep unpacking and discovering things about myself and the way I've been conditioned and mentored by the church. I answer the second question with an emphatic "no" because my decisions over the past two years have been errantly motivated and quite detrimental to our experience of geniune community and formative relationships. I don't want to discount any of our experiences and ministry over the past couple of years, but we left ministry at Westerville for the wrong reasons, I finished the MDiv for the wrong reasons, I left Starbucks in Columbus for the wrong reasons, and went to Dayton for the wrong reasons. Wow...all in one sentence like that makes me feel like a failure in many ways (certainly a personal issue I'm battling right now). IF I could have the past 30 months to do over again...no doubt we would still be in Columbus further building relationships and moving towards a more "emerging" style of BEING the church. (the extent to which I miss Columbus is almost painful...especially this time of year...Go Bucks!)

BUT...having made some decisions out of fear, financial anxiety, human logic, personal ambition, etc...here we are in Cincinnati starting all over again. And in many ways it really sucks. But then again...there's hope because of the redemptive, reconciling, and restorative Presence of God.

With our relocation to Cincinnati comes a lack of internet connection. Now I'm running around to Panera, Buffalo Wild Wings, etc to find a wi-fi connection to post something.

So for tonight...there will nothing of substance....just a plea for rest and simplicity in the midst of this transition.

A Rigid Orthodoxy

For the curious and interested, I want to attempt to bring some clarity to my current struggle. Not that this will necessarily clear anything up really...but perhaps it will make clear to some why and how I'm walking the path that I am.

This verbal expulsion was prompted in part by Scott McKnight's comments on "Emerging and Orthodoxy 4" at his blog. But also from a conversation I had earlier today with a friend who somebody called a "withmate" on another conversation I was reading.

McKnight seems to be a proponent of orthodoxy preservation in the face of emerging attitudes about church and faith. What I gather from skimming over his last few posts on this topic indicates that he defines orthodoxy as an adherence to doctrinal faith statements. I think if you stop there...that's a component of orthodoxy which most "emerging" folk are willing to accept. In fact, with this whole concept of 'new monasticism' and 'future-ancient' types of community and worship, I think orthodoxy is perfectly acceptable to most of us (perhaps I need to define "us" but I'll refrain from doing so at this point).

However, I think what I am reacting against (dare I say rebelling against) in my present assessment of church and evangelical christianity is a type of rigid orthodoxy which goes way beyond assent to a creedal statement of faith. What I am no longer content with is an expression of christianity which errs on the side of law rather than grace. Sure it would be nice not to err on either side...but to err on the side of law and legalism reduces our spiritual experience to obligatory religous devotion and behavioral modification strategies.

In McKnight's third installement of Emerging and Orthodoxy he offers a helpful quadrilateral of points which provide in his words "four major impulses in the emerging movement." It is...
1. Postmodern: a reaction against the meta-narrative and systematic theologies. I love his final line in this paragraph... "Some have lots of questions about the gospel and find postmodernism a quiet place to rest and think about what they believe."
2. Praxis-here is the emphasis on being missional. Also wrapped up in this impulse are new forms of worship (ancient/modern).
3. Post-evangelical: This basically just implies that many of us believe ourselves to have evolved in some way spiritually...so that we're no longer what we were or what our parents are.
4. Political: Here's the impulse and issue of social justice. Hunger, poverty, aids, economic disparity, etc...these issues are huge and need to be addressed...and are so much more important than adding a new $50,000 cafe to the foyer of the church.

And so all of these ideas are part of my current journey and struggle. I don't want to react and rebel against the church of my youth just because I can. And I don't want to bail out on my "tribe." But I DO want to be a part of a community which values all the above. I no longer want to be part of a church which offers to help construct an alternate reality where the Kingdom is not necessarily released into individual lives or in any real corporate sense. I don't want to plant a church. In the words of Jason Evans, I want to "embody the Kingdom." (See McClaren's blog article entitled "Missional Planning")

Saint of the Little Ways

I really have a problem with those chain emails that people forward which promise crazy things (like answered wishes and prayers) if you send it to 11 more people within the next five minutes! Whatever you do...don't break the chain. Of course syncretism has been around a long time.

However, nestled in this good-intentioned email was this...

St. Theresa's Prayer:

May today there be peace within. May you trust God that you are exactly where
you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born
of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love
that has been given to you. May you be content knowing you are a child of God.
Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to
sing, dance, praise God and love. It is there for each and every one of us.

Trusting that we're exactly where God means for us to be sounds awfully simple...but I'll take it!

settling in Cincinnati

I hope there's not a double meaning to my title...eh?!

Was just reading this satirical article from "Out of Ur"...

We’ve had some good input lately on why we’re not seeing church planting movements in the developed world to the same degree we’re seeing in the global south. If that’s the case, we need to find something to do while nothing’s happening. Here are 20 suggestions for what to do while we’re not multiplying churches.
1. Call yourself an apostle. Have some business cards printed. Hand them around.
2. Throw lots of money at subsidizing unhealthy, declining churches.
3. Throw money at “experimental missional initiatives” and never evaluate their effectiveness.
4. Set goals for multiplying new churches but don’t make it clear who is responsible to accomplish the goals.
5. Make someone responsible but don’t give them any real authority, discretionary time, or funding. Change the appointment every two years. After ten years, save money by retiring the position and making everyone else responsible.
6. Appoint a committee to undertake a study and write a report. Wait three years then do it again.
7. Hire a consultant to undertake a study and write a report. Wait three years then do it again.
8. Appoint the wrong people to plant churches. When they fail conclude that church planting doesn’t work.
9. When you see a healthy church plant say, “Yes it’s growing but it’s not really a (choose one) Reformed/Baptist/Assemblies of God/Presbyterian/Methodist/New Vine/etc. church.”
10. Require pioneering leaders to be theologically trained before they can plant a church.
11. Throw your best leaders at your biggest problems, not at your greatest opportunities.
12. Watch pioneering leaders exit your movement and then comment on their lack of commitment.
13. Reward pioneering leaders with promotions. Get them away from the front line. Harness their drive to keep the institutional wheels turning.
14. In the 1960’s change the word “missions” to “mission.” To usher in the new millennium change “mission” to “missional.” Around 2010 plan to change “missional” to “postmissional.”
15. Agree to plant new churches when: (a) You’re large enough (b) You’re healthy enough (c) You have the leaders to give away (d) You have the money to spare (e) God has clearly shown you it’s time (f) When the cow jumps over the moon.
16. Run workshops on church planting. Hold conferences on church planting. Offer a course at your theological college on church planting. Do nothing to follow up with the people who show an interest. Make sure only experts get to teach. Keep the practitioners away from the students. Keep the students in the classroom.
17. Grow your church, facilities, staff, and budget as BIG as you can. Let your vision stop at your car park. Let church history end with you. Let the Kingdom dream die.
18. Set ridiculous but catchy sounding goals like “500 in 5 years,” or “2,000 by 2,000.” Three years after the target date expires set new goals. Don’t forget to change the dates!
19. Modernize your theology, then postmodernize your theology. Remove evangelism and church planting from the centre of God’s mission in the world. When decline hits make sure the paid professionals are the last to feel the pinch.
20. Lastly, set up a blog on church planting. Link to other bloggers on church planting. Be sure they link to you. Add smoke and mirrors.

New Templates for BLOG and LIFE

Yeah...I've been wanting to change the look of this thing for awhile...but just now figured out the right buttons to push. I fear that there's some kind of anti-technological impulse which is dulling my IT senses.

Right now I'm reading Neil Cole's Organic Church and finding at least half of what he says to be quite good (that's really not a bad percentage in my opinion). I should withhold some judgment and cynicism until I've completed it...but I competely agree with his observation (which is shared by many) that the traditional church (and I suppose we'll let the readers decide whether or not theirs fits the bill) way overemphasizes the Sunday worship "event." I think McClaren describes it as traditional vs. missional (thanks, Scott!)

Although the church we are stepping away from (as employees and members) is a terrific church...healthy and vibrant by most standards...I still had this gnawing sense that we were very event driven in each ministry area. And I don't even know if that can be avoided when a church reaches that size (big...mega even). But it is so draining to come through a busy season in ministry and have this aching emptiness in your gut because you wonder what really happened? Was anyone's life just radically transformed by the resurrected Christ? Were sick people made well? Were the "poor and oppressed" rescued and delivered? Did anyone pass over from death to life?? Or did I just keep the machine running? Satisfying the expectations at a reasonable level?

I really have no idea what the next few months hold for us when it comes to church, ministry, or just simply...life. But simple sounds quite good.
Simple...
organic...
relevant...
authentic...
communal...

Now is our chance to travel a different road, explore some other models, and figure out how to experience God in deeper and richer ways.

Yeah...no kidding! It's a great time to make the bicycle my primary mode of transportation...except that this part of the globe is so warm...my gum's are melting.

Community & Coffee Talk

Leaving a community and/or church is painful...even when the relationships are under-developed. I suppose I've been a little blindsided by the pain of this decision and transition to leave Dayton. After being in Columbus for about 8 years...it wasn't this painful to pack up and leave. But that's probably because we'd been through a steady two-year progression which led to our move last summer.

What I'm taking from this experience is that there exists within our relationships and community a sense of the not-yet, or the "what might have been." Perhaps the value of that concept has escaped me until now. Although we've been through a short ministry stay before (8 or 9 years ago), for some reason it didn't have near the impact of this one. We've really been amazed at the generosity and support we've received from these "infant" relationships.

Fortunately, I've been warmly received by the green siren and the familiar family of Starbucks partners. It's kind of disturbing how much I've missed pressing that first sample of a Black Apron Exclusive coffee. But it looks like I'll need to start leading an internal effort to get the corporate coffee master back on track with its commitment to the environment and sustainable agriculture. According to this article on the Organic Consumer Association's website, Starbucks is holding out by using hormone-tainted milk. Why is it that I would be less offended if you attack my faith than my java supplier?! I guess I DO need some professional help.

To the Monastery

I've really been enjoying the articles from Out of Ur (by Leadership).

I was just reading the one published today, Spiritual Formation: we’ve already got a proven model, but do we want it?

Here's a great quote from the author who is being questioned about trends and models of spiritual formation...

“It’s a proven model,” I pointed out, “a model that includes everything we know
brings about transformation. What would happen to your life” (I was now turning
the question on them) “if you lived in close geographical community and
relationship with other people; if you lived in submission to authority; if you
practiced silence and simplicity and discipline; if you regularly read the Bible
and prayed and meditated on what you read; if you made study part of your life;
and if you worked hard in some daily occupation, seeing your labor as full of
dignity and offering it to God?”

That's where I'm headed...to the monastery! Actually, I still don't know what it will look like. A house church? A small group of people from a church? An extended family gathering and drawing friends and neighbors into the mix? I really don't know, but I know it's time to stop posting, dreaming, and analyzing and to actually engage in it.

Seasons of the Soul

Many of those seeking to be reconciled to and embraced by God have described their experiences with the metaphor of seasons. Whether or not we use the right metaphor, it does seem (now that I have a longer timeline to look back on) that we navigate various spiritual seasons along the way.

I suppose what is most interesting to me as I think about my current season, is that stepping away from a position of ministry and religious service may actually coincide with a spiritual awakening and rebirth. Although I'm stepping away from a great church with what I've learned to be a very healthy group of leaders and people...I feel as though I'm feeling some things begin to thaw deep within.

My passions are being redirected. I want to live well, rest well, play well. I want to enjoy the best years of my marriage and family. I want to thoroughly enjoy my beautiful daughters and see them enjoy life as well. I want to develop deep Kingdom-level relationships with a few and learn how to live with (rather than for) the resurrected Christ. Yeah...the landscape is definitely changing and Spring is in the air of my soul.

House Church

Just had an encouraging conversation with a friend. Thank God for those, eh?!

Part of our discussion included our mutual interest in the "house church" as the kind of community we would both like to experience. I've had limited contact with those who are experiencing such an environment of koinonia and charis. As always, it's difficult to discern what one might be drawn towards simply in reaction to the contemporary church experience which is so prevalent in evangelicalism right now (and especially our own tribe/denomination).

I just think there's so much about our current church model which doesn't connect to genuine Kingdom living or even get integrated into one's daily life. It's an alternative environment one steps in and out of. And most parents are very disconnected from the spiritual responsibility for their own children. Is it better to shuttle our kids to the biggest program in town and abdicate much of our parental calling to others?

Good Point

In a recent article from Out of Ur , the author ends with this:

"Nevertheless, in my mind, if we are going to pick on Potter, we must pick on Pirates. Otherwise, perhaps Christians should keep their mouth shut about both."

I think it's a good call for consistency. This is certainly one of the great hypocrisies of Christianity and religion in general...inconsistency. You could probably say the same for issues of homosexuality and poverty or aids crisis. Which of these issues are more important? But which issue gets the most evangelical attention?

From Deep Waters

I was reading in 2 Samuel 22 this week (thanks to my pastor) and reflecting on the concept of God as 'my rock.' In my mind, I conjured up this image of a solid outcropping of rock just being pounded by waves. Actually, the image of that French lighthouse comes to mind...the one where the guy is standing there and the waves are crashing against the back of the rock and lighthouse and swirling on either side.

Anyway...I began to picture myself in the waters just around this solid rock. Whether I jumped in or slipped I don't know...but I'm in that deep water. Often the most dangerous place to be (in an ocean setting) is just a few feet away from a big rock or reef like that. Then the wind and waves pound you against the rock, doing quite a bit of damage. So I'm close enough to the rock to get dashed against it...but not close enough to benefit from it's support and shelter.

Then verse 17 of 2 Samuel 22 alters the image...

"He reached down from on high and took hold of me;

he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me..."

then verse 47...

"The Lord lives! Praise be to my Rock!

Exalted be God, the Rock, my Savior!"

I'm still struggling for clarity...but it's good to have the Rock back under my feet.

No Peace at all

Oh my God ...
(and I mean that literally not flippantly)
what must a soul do to get some clarity and direction?!

The last couple of days have been very trying.
And this could get ugly so click on to your next little blog stop if you were looking for something a little more positive.

I just feel like the psalmist when he would lament "How long, oh Lord...How long?!"
Except I may add a few explicatives to let Him know I'm not just quoting the psalms...I'm serious. Does anyone else occasionally use profanities when you pray? I hope that's not just me.

Hopefully I'll soon arrive at the peaceful resolution of "yet will I ever praise and trust..."

instead of the current...

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me?" (Psalm 22:1)

HOPE For The FLOWERS

So I'd love to comment some more on World Cup Soccer...but I don't want Gregor to stop visiting my blog. But how about those Black Stars from Ghana?! They are definitely out of the running...but they made a good effort against Brazil in their first-ever WC appearance.

Okay, now on to today's brain fodder. I recently read this little book by Trina Paulus (which takes every bit of thirty minutes) and was captured by the imagery and simplicity. If only I had been supplied with some of this metaphor and language earlier in my journey! (Thanks to JR for introducing me to the story since I missed the opportunity to hear it first-hand from Rick)

The story unfolds with two main characters...Stripe & Yellow. They are both caterpillars and eventually find themselves caught up in the frantic attempt to climb a pillar of caterpillars which reaches up into the clouds. Eventually we find out that the pillars are just meaningless mindless frantic climbing. Yellow discovers the secret of the chrysalis while Stripe ventures off to conquer the pillar once more. Again, Stripe is devastated to find out that at the very top of the pillar awaits nothing of value. And I supposed I shouldn't share this much of the story in case you want to read it for yourself. But the simple point of the story has dealt what might be a final deathblow to my paradigm of ministry and religious activity.

And speaking of "hope"...this word keeps buzzing around my head and into my life...like a majestic winged creature inviting me in to my own chrysalis of transformation.

Here's a tribute to the one who has personnified this word and its cause for a whole community:



Hope : : Elpida
There is a tree that grows on my armIt’s for a friend, an eternal marring of my flesh for his.
A beauty mark, intentional, not God-given
A gift from a friend who speaks beauty through his hands.
A solidarity sign stretched across my skin.
Blood brothers united in heart years ago now visible to all Brothers in arms.
Rooted in Elpida, Lovely leafless limbs smooth and supple as veins
Climb quietly like ivy clinging to skin and bone
Growing toward my heart where he now resides.
This tree grips, grips my arm,
12 leaves for 12 friends coupled, man and wife
12 leaves for the healing of nations
12 leaves for Yahweh wins.

I hope in God the Father, God the Son, God the Holy Ghost. Now and Forever I hope.
No ounce of regret not one single ounce.
Yahweh wins.
Yahweh wins.
Yahweh wins.

I pledge allegiance to his cause.

(read at Mark Palmer's memorial service)

World Cup Action

I've never watched an entire soccer match in my life! Suddenly I'm tuning into at least one match per day or setting my DVR to catch the action so I can speed-view it later. (I love DVR by the way...what an efficient way to watch TV)

It's pretty amazing what these guys can do with a soccer ball! As I was watching the Argentina-Mexico encounter of round 2, this Argentinian made an amazing goal. One of his teammates sent him a long pass...he caught it with his torso and settled it just enough to drop it in position and kick a goal before the ball ever touched the ground. It reminded me of the Tiger Woods trick where he's bouncing the ball on his wedge and then swings and connects with the ball as it drops.

It was, of course, disappointing to see USA's inability to really get into any kind of rhythmn...I think it's time for a new coach.

Since soccer was not even offered when I was a kid in school, I just never really appreciated the game until now.

Extreme Decisions

I just have this feeling that some extreme decisions are in our near future...like this extreme decision of a family in Seattle (read about it here). As I think more about social justice, stewardship of our environment, personal economics, and other issues that greatly affect community and neighbor (global or next-door), I am determined to pursue a lifestyle of authenticity and conviction. We have so few moral and biblical convictions in our culture and society. It just makes me want to take a stand...even if it's just for not using so many disposable paper products or lowering our contribution to global warming (which I actually believe is a real problem for the first time in my life).

There are some other extreme decisions which I'll have to post-pone any posts for now...but mega props to the Durning family for making such a radical change of lifestyle for a mostly-good cause (perhaps they wouldn't have made the decision if the 19-year old had not totalled the family car).

I am so curious right now about some of these kinds of decisions which if embraced by a critical mass of people would have huge economic and sustainability effects on families and cultures around the world (like buying fair-trade, eating organic foods, lowering one's indebtedness, etc).

The Allusion of Authenticity

Just had another stirring conversation with a good friend in ministry which proved to be humbling and convicting. It's the second time in a week that ministry peers have accused me of being authentic. The painful reality is that over the past year...my authenticity quotient has dropped severely.

Now I don't mean that to be a completely negative reflection on my current church or ministry affiliation (although a bit of that would be unavoidable after the previous statement). What it actually reflects is my compromise in non-negotiables and core values in ministry. I've neglected to put the necessary boundaries in place to protect my family and my own spiritual and emotional health. Now I'm paying a severe price. And those around me will be hurt in various ways as a result of my conformity.

My extended family has been an amazing encouragement during this time! Kudos to the brothers Bean and my wonderful parents.

Highlander Grogg

So I finally found a nice little coffeeshop here in Beavercreek with decent coffee. And I've been introduced to Highlander Grogg. It's a flavored coffee...but I'm enjoying it anyway. The coffee purist in me is often repulsed by the chemical alteration of the bean's natural flavor...but occasionally, someone stumbles upon a decent combination.

Also, the owner of this little cafe (Pete...not from San Francisco notoriety) has the free wi-fi up and running which is another good draw. The only drawback so far is that there's a TV blaring in the background in place of some good conversation-supporting ambient music of some sort (like Miles Davis, Cold Play, or the sounds of Motown). But if you're in Beavercreek...it's worth a visit (behind McDonald's and beside Papa Johns).

Stirring Conversations

I spent a few days this past week bumping into several friends. Some were old friends from college...some were acquaintances from a good many years in youth ministry. First of all, I must admit that I experienced a certain uneasiness every time a nominal friend in ministry would welcome me back to the fold...expressing their pleasure that I had found my way back to youth ministry.
From the other perspective, I was equally disturbed by the discussions I had with closer friends who expressed some confusion at my recent transition. That has caused me to engage in some very intentional reflection on my journey of recent months and years. In fact, it lead me back into the archives of this blog. From there I can see that my transition from Starbucks back into a traditional setting of youth ministry (in a megachurch no less) made very little sense.

Ouch! The realization of my own blindness and compromise has sent me reeling. Although, if I were to be quite honest...not a day has gone by over the past ten months that I didn't suspect a mistake and error in judgment. That brings me to a precarious spot. Suffice it to say...making the right decision is easier the first time. And clarity is a rarity!

dysfunctional faith

Have you ever had the painful yet liberating experience of encountering your own dysfunctions? That's been happening for me in spiritual ways over the past few months. If I understand the dynamics of dysfuntion...it basically provides some definition for the destructive or unhealthy ways in which we may have been conditioned to live and relate to others.

Well, I'm finding that I learned some fairly unhealthy ways of relating to God. I don't think there was any intentional misguiding...just a lack of guidance. And that's not to say that I didn't have supportive, Christian parenting...because I did. And I was brought up in the church, circumcised on the eighth day (or even before), a Nazarene of Nazarenes! But therein lies one of my main issues. In the absence of a mentor or spiritual guide...the institution of the church became my mentor. Thus in a substantially unhealthy way, my growth as a Christian and in relationship with God became completely intertwined with my activity and participation in the church (local and beyond).

I have a feeling there are many who could claim this sort of "dysfunction" because it is probably the natural process to follow in the absence of intentional mentoring and discipleship. Now at this stage of my life and ministry...I am having to relearn some basic ways of relating to God. No longer can I skate by on the activities and duties of ministry and church life...hoping that the spiritual formation will happen as a natural by-product of preparing to share the gospel with others. The "being" MUST precede the "doing!" My contentment and satisfaction must be completely rolled up in the person of Christ and not attached to anything else.

Back To It

Okay, I'm not sure what happened there for a few months...so let's get back to it.

As I read over my usual feeds from bloglines , I have several different topical pathways to take. From origami to lesbian priests, the possibilities are endless.

However, the thing that has me a bit fired up (from Tony's article at Out of Ur as well as from personal experience) is the tendency of those within the church to be so good at drawing lines and creating boundaries. As I read mechanical responses to passionate attempts at "conversation", I just have this question that keeps coming to mind? Do we think we're modeling Christ when we do everything within our persuasive grasp to convince other's that we're right and they're wrong??

I feel like like I'm in some netherworld of ambiguity between evangelical orthodoxy and emerging discovery. That's certainly not to say that I've walked away from anything or that I'm looking for some new label that's cool and let's me smoke a pipe and drink some thick dark German beer. It just means I'm questioning, searching, hoping to redefine, begging for our orthodoxy to be relevant in this new world.

And it seems to me, if we're going to follow Christ...we should err on the side of inclusivity. Didn't Jesus seem to include some people that the church of his day didn't want to be cozy with? Didn't Jesus extend salvation is some fairly unorthodox ways? The theif on the cross, the woman at the well, the paralytic who just wanted to walk...I don't recall any of them reciting the sinner's prayer or filling out an application for Kingdom membership.

Let's just entertain the thought that God can do His job and we can do ours and not get the two confused.

The Silence Continues...Mostly

My silence, that is. Interesting though...got wind of some terrible news today regarding a friend in ministry...seems like God brought something to mind which I need to ponder. Is it just me or does God seem to have a very indirect style of communication??

blogfatuation

I knew it couldn't last...the online affair with reflection. The passionate flame of flirtatious posting has cooled and what was once satisfying has become dry and routine. Don't worry....it's not you...it's me.

Spiritually Spinning the Wheels

That's a bit what I'm feeling right now. As I break away from some old patterns of relating to God and try to re-learn some things about being a disciple...I can't help but feel like I've been spinning my wheels much of the past ten years. In my times of studying Scripture and looking over some old journal-type things I realize that I'm struggling with many of the same things as I did years ago. Like trusting God...and being able to hear His voice...giving Him ultimatums as I try to determine what He's leading me to do...etc.

It's quite sad to realize that my relationship with God has been very functional and utilitarian over the years. I've been missing the passion of that love relationship God desires from His little yard apes! John 8:47..."the reason you do not hear is that you do not belong to God." Ouch!

But now it's difficult to reprioritize the relationship without the lingering sense of...hurry up and connect so I know what to do! I need to find that daily place of "quiet waters" and sanctuary.

Paradise and Politics

I was just catching up on some blogs and stumbled across some good dialogue on BTaylor's blog.

The topic was interesting to me because I had just listened to someone the other day talk about the percentage of people on the planet which he thought would end up in heaven. The guess-timate was 10% or less. As this person went on to express a fairly narrow (fundamental, dogmatic, etc) evangelical Christian perspective...it really roused some passionate feeling within me...namely, anger. Now I'm not wanting to espouse some kind of universalist's theory of atonement...but can we leave some room for God to be gracious here? When Jesus said "I am the way, the truth, and the life..." could it be that there are some ways to come at Christ and Truth apart from traditional Christian processes?

I even had the startling notion or impression that I might not want to identify with a God who would just condemn someone to eternal separation from God because they were born in a muslim nation in Africa rather than in the Bible belt of America?! Which leads into the other topic at BT's blog. And on that one (politics of war etc) I've just got to say...our understanding of the Kingdom and Christianity has gotten WAY too enmeshed in our patriotism.

Embarassing Confessions

First of all, I'm not going to hit that 200 mile mark this week. Maybe next week! But that isn't my "embarassing confession."

Here it is...so I've been a follower of Christ since I was about five years old. The middle school years were especially turbulent in spiritual ways, but by my freshman year in high school, I was really intent on pursuing God and living a life "worthy of the gospel." There were some serious landmarks and victorious stretches in that journey, but I've experienced something this past week that I'm humbled to admit.

Today will mark a 6-day stretch of fairly uninterrupted spiritual focus. I know that the spiritual life is not measured by checking off boxes of devotions, prayer, scripture reading, church attendance, etc...but the intimacy I've experienced with the Father, Son, and Spirit this week has been intense! Perhaps it indicates that I've finally reached a point of brokenness and despair which has convinced me to, at long last, abandon the remaining bastions of self-centeredness and self-reliance?! Even if that has played a part, I completely realize that this 'turn' is not some kind of self actualization but rather an indication that grace is present and God is at work. Philippians 2:13 says "It is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose." The Christian life really is about trusting and resting!

The confession??
I can't remember the last time I experienced an entire week of uninterrupted intimacy with God! Why is that embarassing?? Well...I'm a pastor...I've been a Christian for 30 years...I've been attempting to lead others to a place I've not been.

For all those who are grieving for the Palmers...my prayers have been with you. When I received that news, it impacted my spirit deeply. What a personal loss for so many. But what a Kingdom thinker!

Back on the bike

Ahhh! It's good to be back on the bike. I'm shooting for a 200-mile week. Moses had this "tent of meeting" that he would frequent when he needed direction from God. I have a "bike of meeting!"

Personal Relationship with a Communal God

One of the blogs I've been frequenting lately is connected with Leadership journal and you can check it out here. It's called "Out of Ur" and some of the recent posts have been captioned "Pimping Jesus..." The article from yesterday(or today...if it was posted from Manila) struck a chord with me because of the challenges I have faced recently with trusting God. Have we over-americanized God into some kind of self-help buddy who needs to aid us in our continual efforts to remove tension, conflict, and suffering from our lives?

I certainly agree that our relationship and intimacy with God has a personal component but I think that has been the very thing which led me for many years towards my current crisis. Had I been cultivating more authentic and accountable relationships, through whom I may have received greater guidance, counsel, and care...perhaps I would now be more attuned to the kind of wisdom the Spirit is guiding...with less need for the process of being broken.

Trust Issues

Okay...so I can mouth the words "I trust you," or tell inquiring and concerned souls that I'm learning to trust God with some things. But I have this deep sense that I'm not fooling anyone here. When you're seriously doubting God's care and provision in your life...is it simply a matter of saying "Okay, God...really...I trust you!!" Maybe exlamation points will make it true.

The only thing making sense to me right now are Rob Bell's words recently on the temptation of Jesus. He talks about how the enemy was trying desperately to undermine Jesus' identity as the Son of God. And that's what mister deception is trying to do to me as well...convince me that I'm not really who I think I am or thought I was.

Way Too Much Drama

Man, I hate that the drama surrounding our family right now is exerting this grotesque energy-sucking inertia on anyone within a 15-foot radius. I remember when people used to ask that superficial "How ya doin?" and I could honestly answer, "Fine...you?" Now when people innocently ask that question...I have this nearly irrestible desire to be honest! What a funk to be living in. The black hole of our house-selling dilemma continues indefinitely. Fortunately, our car repair issues have been resolved. That was a God-thing!

Or was it? Can we just automatically attribute good circumstances to God? Can we assume that when the _ _ _ _ hits the fan that it's God's way of setting him up to do His God-thing? I wonder how many times I attribute something to God's intervention in my personal crisis and He's thinking...hey, don't flatter yourself. I don't know...

Good Time For a Bike

Eventually, I hope that I can join the ranks of those committed cyclists who stick to their wheels regardless of the weather. I've been rather reluctant to do much cycling during our cold and inclement weather patterns here in Ohio. Another issue is living in an area which is not bike friendly unless your on one of the bike paths. And fortunately, there are many miles worth of path riding in this community...but that doesn't always help when it comes to commuting and avoiding car dependence.

Yet, financial concerns are going to force my hand...or legs rather. It's almost to the point where you just begin to laugh in the face of adversity because the onslaught is so continuous. In the last six months, we've had about $3200 worth of car repairs and auto emergencies. I suppose that's the price you pay for having older paid-off vehicles. Fortunately, the in-laws covered one repair. Then we actually had an emergency fund in place to cover the second repair. We went into debt for a third repair. And now, the final and most recent bill facing us is anywhere from $500-$1100, depending on if we want the vehicle drivable or safe? With our decision to destroy our credit cards and never take on another cent of debt in that form, the only option is really to downsize into a one-vehicle arrangement. If the rain, snow, and wind will let up...I'm game!

Boy...if I could be sixteen all over again and apply all the financial lessons we've learned just in the last 6 months...I'd literally be a millionaire by now!

My Heresy

I've had the recent humbling (and humiliating) experience of discovering some seriously flawed theology at work in my life. It basically boils down to the way in which I have tried to discern God's will and guidance for the past few years...perhaps even longer!

The interesting thing is that I've coached and encouraged others to do this stuff the right way, and then somehow blinded myself to my own misapplication of prayer and scripture.

The key realization in all of this comes from John 15 and Jesus' whole 'vine' discourse. Jesus says, "Apart from me you can do nothing." My practice of late has been to figure things out and develop my own solution for our difficulties and then proceed on that logic and analysis until God either blesses it or shuts a door or otherwise makes something clear. Apparently, you can't find that approach in Scripture anywhere.

So I need to be broken and brought to the brink so that I can relearn the art of trusting and waiting. My approach hasn't been working all that well for us, so why not try something different...like allowing God to take the initiative and then I'll follow Him?! Let's see how that works for the next ten years or so.

Art Explanation

For those wondering...(a few have asked)...a student took a picture of me and photoshopped the image you see in my profile. I'm not sure how he did it...but I liked the way it turned out because it's 'easier on the eyes' than my actual photo!

A Great Valentine's Evening

In the midst of an emotionally and physically hectic week, an evening reprieve with my bride of eleven years was a wonderfully romantic distraction. A leisurely meal together, a stroll through the mall, and a cinematic date with Harrison Ford's latest was the perfect combination. Of course, Ford's flick was predictable...I don't know when people are going to learn not to mess with Indiana Jones!? But we had some great conversation and it was good to leave the kids with the folks (thanks mom & dad!) and be alone together. That's right...I said "alone together." You know what I mean.

Unfortunately, the frequent byproduct of leisurely conversation and time together often supplies me with too much room for analysis and evaluation of life. For the marriage partner who loathes change and the insecurity of raising big questions...these kinds of conversations can put a damper on an otherwise delightful date. So although I'd scored a few points on presence, I probably lost a few on content. The level of difficulty of my routine was impressive though.

Speaking of Floods

A friend in youth ministry will be traveling with me to New Orleans and the gulf coast area next weekend. The desire to contribute in some way to relief efforts from the summer's hurricanes has been gnawing at me for the past few months. So I'm very excited to spend some time in the area and decide who we might partner with to lend a hand.

We had the opportunity to sign our students up for a couple of other mission trip options, but I've not felt good about any of them. One of the reasons for this has been a sense that so many mission trips and service projects turn out to be token conscience-comforting endeavors which fail to truly change our perspective of what it means to participate in community with people in need. I will also be meeting with an individual in the coming week who pastors a congregation in the heart of Dayton. For months now I've had a heavy sense of mission towards the community in which this church exists. I think a better way to approach missions and service is to develop an ongoing relationship with a group of people whose lives become woven into the fabric of our own. Not just token drive-by missions I want our students to develop a Kingdom lifestyle of meeting needs.

Rivers & Floods: I heard a great description of leadership over the past weekend which continues to soak my mind with the need for some change. The basic concept implies that many people are floods. Their lives are not channeled in one direction and purpose (like a river) but just heap up like a flood that has no real direction. My life is certainly in a flood stage right now. I'm distracted with personal financial issues, thoughts of future career and education, the current demands and expectations on my time and work, along with a gnawing absence of authentic community and relationships for our family. For purposes of ministry, family health, and personal peace...I need to channel my energy and focus in a specific Spirit-initiated direction. For various reasons, I have been unable to focus and forge ahead emotionally and spiritually. Let's just drive a stake in the ground, heap up a pile of stones and mark this point in the journey as a landmark of new beginnings. A life that floods its boundaries and moves in every possible direction causes damage in many ways. A river is useful...a resource for those around it...a means of getting from one place to another. That sounds a little more like it to me. It's been awhile since I've had a moment of clarity like this.

Flames of Heaven

I've been listening to Rob Bell lately and one of his messages has really challenged me. Actually, most of his teaching challenges, inspires, and enlightens me on various levels. If you've never heard of the guy, check out his website and you can download some mp3 teachings or just check out the Mars Hill community.

Anyway, the challenge has to do with the Kingdom of Heaven (not the movie) crashing into earth (our present kingdom) and whether or not that would be a good thing...as to its impact on the current state of affairs. And the Jewish concept of heaven was less geographical than it was an ideological reality. That's why it makes so much sense that the Kingdom could be right now and not just an eschatological concept or event.

The reason I find this so challenging is because I think most of us (evangelical church-immersed christians) overestimate how pleased God is with current level at which we're living out the Kingdom. We're quick to identify with Jesus and echo words of judgment for pharisees, religious biggots, and the like...but just how painful would it be if the Kingdom came crashing into my life right now. Would Jesus encounter me as a good-intentioned disciple who just needs to make some minor adjustments? Or would he start throwing things, cracking the whip and condemning my pathetic misguided attempts at Kingdom life? I just think we might often give ourselves too much credit. Why else would Christianity and the Church look so different from New Testament stuff?

My 100th Post

I had one of those kinds of days today which kind of lights your fire, you know? There are some exciting things going on...but at the same time...there's a chance some things just stagnate and start molding so to speak. But one of the things I realized, even as I was challenging students, is that our attitude and response to circumstances and to other people gigantically factors into how hopeful we feel about the immediate future.

There is such a thin line between frustration and fervor...despair and delight...anxiety and anticipation!

When you're on the wrong side of that equilibrium, how does one generate the emotional energy to alter attitude? Is it merely an act of the will? Is it chemical or biological? Is it an act of God...the Spirit's nudge on just the right endorphin?!

Cutting It Close

Well, I'm just a few hours away from potentially ruining my perfect workout attendance streak. Do I just punish myself for sleeping in by hitting the weights at 9pm or just combine today's weight training with tomorrow mornings aerobic thing? I guess we'll see what happens when I get home in about an hour.

I think it would be so much easier to stay in shape and exercise if we didn't have jobs, family, and pursuits of leisure all getting in the way.

And it would be easier to eat right if there were some healthy organic fast food restraunts out there. There's an idea...although the combo meal would jump from about $5 to $12 or $15 I imagine. But ocassionally, it might be worth it...driving thru for some Balsamic Salmon Salad or a BBQ Chicken Pita Pizza...with a side of low-fat cottage cheese.

Distractions

So I just shared a message/talk with a bunch of teenagers in Pennsylvania urging them to live a "one thing" life...free of distractions. That's obviously wishful thinking for any of us, but I find myself in that situation again...with a desire to cut out distractions and surplus activity in exchange for margin, peace, rest, community, focus, etc. It took me all of about 2 months to fall into the same grinding routine which characterized life and ministry pre-Starbucks. Will I have to return to my barista calling to put things back into order?!

As for my health and fitness efforts...I've done great on the workout/exercise routine. It's the 6 smaller meals a day I'm struggling with. I have no problem eating 6 times a day, but it's the 'smaller' part that's giving me fits. Overall though, I've certainly been eating a much better selection of healthy foods and my energy level, attitude, and morale is all quite high. One week down and eleven to go.

Tugging the Hamstrings

Dang'it...who knew dumbbell lunges would be so painful. I thought the lower-body workout day would be the easiest. I hope those strings on the back of my legs don't pop.

I haven't been as successful at changing the eating habits as I have been at the workouts, but it's still a gigantic improvement over where I've been the past few weeks.

I love how some "blast from the past" character occasionally drops a comment. That serves up a dish of nostalgia which is always welcome on the menu! Hope all is well! ('ang' and others)

Visited a health food store nearby yesterday...wild stuff! It's only a block away which is cool in case we decide to go all organic. From toothpaste to cat food...what an alternative lifestyle...appealing in a sadistic sort of way.

Well, it's nearing time for my 4th miniature meal of the day.

Good Flesh, Bad Flesh

It's interesting to me how much of a correlation there is between physical and spiritual things. After just two days of taking much better care of my body, the Spirit and the Mind begin to soar. I think we way underestimate this connection as Christians...which is why an obese Christian bigot can rant on some soap box spiritual issue without seeing the hypocrisy. (That came out a little more harshly than it previously existed in my mind, but I favor this footnote over deletion.)

I guess this correlation makes me think a little more deeply about food and eating habits. There must be much more significance to those choices than I've been led to believe to this point. So we need to distinguish between flesh and flesh...sarx and soma maybe? Taking care of the "temple" is not necessarily catering to the "flesh" but cooperating with the Spirit and Mind and the Image.

All that to say...I feel great!

Body for Life

So it's just about time I went through a physical fitness phase again. Typically, I don't get this urge around the new year, but for some reason...the timing is just about right. I've been feeling pretty negative about my body, energy level, waistline, and health in general for the past couple of months. Now I've reached that point where you finally decide..."I'm sick of this!" I went to put on a pair of pants on Sunday morning two weeks ago and couldn't even get the snaps close enough to see each other. I threw the pants to the floor in disgust. I attempted to briskly jog a short distance two days ago and when I got inside, someone commented "Were you running?" The truth is "no"...what I attempted could not be categorized as running, but the way my body & breathing were reacting, you would've thought I just finished a 10k. Anyway, it's not just physical discipline that is called for. My neglect of healthy nutrition and exercise is symptomatic of a lack of discipline in other areas as well. The spirit, emotions, mind, finances...all seem to rise and fall together to an extent.

As we were thrift store hopping the other day (which I'm kind of new to, but now will never pay retail prices again!), I came across a book called Body for Life for $.99. I couldn't resist. It looked kind of like all the other get fit, think positively kinds of books with corny before and after pictures inside the front cover. But I bought it anyway...and so far...it's been a great motivation. Don't worry...whether you like it or not...I'll keep you posted on the progress. So far, I have perfect attendance at my 6-day per week workout sessions. But that would certainly be due to the fact that it's day 1 of 84! If nothing else, I'll be in a little better shape when the cycling season comes around and it's time to ride across Indiana again!

"Merry Christmas" Defines Us?

In one of my other blogs (xanga), I was just responding to a friendly critique of my previous post. The comment was made...

Just to throw some "fuel on the fire" and allow me to play devil's
advocate; is this really an "either/or" thing? Can our zeal not be about the
issues of servanthood, social justice and "reclaiming christian territory"
through the protection of tradition? Does tradition have no place in the life of
a Christ follower?
I believe whole-heartedly in servanthood (I couldn't call
myself a "Christian" and not serve.) and I have long been a proponent of social
causes (that's partly the reason for my degree in psychology and the length of
service in Children Services. I believe that the church should be the first line
in addressing issues of social concern and welfare, NOT "the government" but, at
the same time, I believe we just might have a duty to hold to that which defines
us within culture...
Is nothing sacred? Is everything secular? Should there
be no line between the two. What defines them if not our approach to the
particulars??

I don't see a lot of examples in the Scripture where Christ was willing to fight a battle over words and "traditional" sentiment (merry christmas). We won't know Christians by..."they're the ones who buck the system and say Merry Christmas" but because of their love for one another and their redemptive presence in the community.

This whole Pennsylvania case over intelligent design is a biggie too. Why do we need to have our view of God, creation, and intelligent design validated by curriculum boards and legislatures? Can't we be Kingdom-minded and affirm the truth of what is already taught (not necessarily validating it completely mind you) and use that as the starting point for leading others towards ultimate Truth?

On the other hand...I'm not too thrilled that my first grader can cut, paste, color, and learn all about Hannukah...but not be allowed to appreciate or learn about Christian traditions of celebrating Christmas simultaneously. That's problematic for me.

The Holy War of Words Is On

I was just reading a friends blog as he ripped into a beautiful rant against James Dobson and a variety of other topics. I won't point you to his exact words since I did not ask permission, but he stirred my mind a bit more on some of these topics over which I've been stewing for several weeks. And it has to do with the way in which a great many Christians are responding to the anti-"Merry Christmas" crowd.

Don't get me totally wrong here (I guess I added that for all my Dobson-loving friends and family memebers) ...I can appreciate a small amount of the zeal with which some Christians are crusading (intentional negative connotation) against the "Happy Holidays" agenda. But the more I think about it, the more stirred up I become and want to say "what do you expect?" Does anyone honestly believe that Christ is the focus of Christmas in America?! And he has not been the focus for a very long time...if ever. Even in my own family, we attend services...adore the nativity scenes...and pre-empt our gift-opening orgy with a reading of the Christmas story...but does that Christianize all the materialism and self-centered behavior we call the Christmas season?

If we're going to reclaim some "christian" territory...let it have less to do semantics and more to do with servanthood and social justice. Do you think fighting this battle over Christmas greetings is going to make a positive and eternal impact on our communities for the Kingdom? Really?! It's time for the church to reclaim a biblical agenda and not a self-serving agenda.

Community of Thin Spots

In a Celtic understanding of spirituality, there exists "thin spots" which offer the greatest potential for experiencing the Divine. Celtic Christians adopted this understanding which can be seen in the many stone crosses and the location of abbeys near the mountains or the sea. These were seen as the "thin spots" where the barrier between natural and spiritual realms were thinnest. Another way in which the Celtic Christians worked out this concept was in the formation of monastic communities. These communities became centers of spiritual formation, education, prayer, and ministry.

I am currently attempting to define the concept of biblical community and re-imagine what it might look like in the lives of middle and high school students. A difficulty I'm finding in this process however is the intangible and ambiguous nature of community. I want to define it in terms of our relationships. But we experience varying levels of community within our interactions with others. And as I read Bonhoeffer's Life Together, I'm cautioned by his caveat that Christian community is completely based on our common experience of God's grace in and through Jesus Christ. His caution is especially not to expect too much from community or make it into something that is more social than spiritual (like warm fuzzies I suppose).

Why is this such a difficult concept to grasp and explain? Could it be that I've only had fleeting glimpses and experiences of true biblical community? That I don't even understand it from personal experience or present immersion? A part of me is somewhat timid about pushing this idea to its ultimate conclusion I must admit. I think to seriously live Life Together and teach others to do the same could mean a complete and radical interpretation of what youth ministry looks like. But I'm simultaneously intrigued with that thought...since one of the fears I have is that without a major change of paradigm, the present "machine" of youth ministry will just continue to produce idividualistic, isolated, consumer-minded Christians who continue to be in motion without meaning.

I'd love to hear some more thoughts on community...what it is? ...what it isn't? ...what it might look like at various stages of life and development?

Blogesthesia

I find myself anestetized and somewhat cynical as I read blogs and determine whether or not there's anything substantive for me to say today. That little piece of information will explain the infrequency of my posts and comments of late. It is very unfortunate since I am currently immersed in a few personal and ministerial struggles. These predicaments are quite unrelated, but I think we all know how emotional stress, physical fatigue, and spiritual dismay can overlap and compound one another.

One of the problems I am all too aware of is my need to unplug from the matrix of ministry for a few days and retreat. So weather permitting (or not permitting) I plan to lightly load the Gregory pack and take off on a few trails for a couple of days next week. Just the thought of the experience and anticipated solitude brings a surge of endorphins to my system. Hopefully I will have something worth sharing soon.

For those who would...please pray for a personal matter which is crushing us in several ways. We desperately need our house in Columbus to sell or for some amicable financial solution to present itself. Thank you!

What Would Jesus Cut?

In a weekly e-zine article I receive from www.sojo.net Jim Wallis includes this statement:

"Budgets are moral documents, and they reflect our national priorities and values."

Issues of economics were my biggest sticking point with Bush in the last election. Perhaps it had something to do with my Starbucks experience, but I came very close to casting my vote for John Kerry precisely on this point. The title of the above article which I referenced was something like...The Death of Compassionate Conservatism. And I must admit that current issues of social concern seem to be receiving inadequate attention from the religious right.

And I've been one to make the argument for allowing the church to tackle some of these needs rather than the government, but let's be honest...if 40,000 students get cut from a reduced-lunch program at their schools, our churches won't do squat about it!

Urgent Care, BP, and Parenting

I have often been accused of being one of those guys who shrugs a shoulder of apathy towards physical pain, sickness, and general issues of health. So after 3 separate injuries to my right foot over a span of about 2 months, I finally decided to visit Urgent Care this past week (since we don't have a family physician in Dayton yet). Although I have often been frustrated by the cycle of...Visit doctor--pay too much--doctor can't help...scenario, I yielded to what seemed like common sense and spent two hours and who knows how much money this past Tuesday evening getting some x-rays and mediocre medical care. The funny thing is, something turned up on the x-ray which the doctor was concerned about and it was nowhere near the area where my pain was. Fortunately, I did get to spend some time with Don Miller soaking in some more of his christian spirituality anectdotes. The other big surprise that evening was my BP (blood pressure of course). The numbers were quite a ways above any I've generated in the past. Which leads me to the last titular issue.

Parenting! Until about 2 months ago...I felt like a pretty good dad. I mean, sure, there's always room for improvement, but overall, no major dysfunction. However, after the last few weeks, I wouldn't be surprised to catch my girls blogging behind my back on mydadsucks.com We are in a down-right grueling phase or something. Fortunately, I suppose, it's not just me. Deb is experiencing the same kind of stuff. Obviuosly, the trauma of our recent relocation has taken a toll...but good grief! I know of plenty of other families who have bounced around with ministry, military, or whatever...and even they're a bit surprised at some of the things we're going through. So combining those issues with the demands of full-time youth ministry at a level I've never experienced before...and bingo...viola...high blood pressure?? I guess I'm getting to the age where you have to start thinking seriously about your health. What a bummer.

Perception

I find it kind of interesting that our perception of time can vary so greatly depending on our circumstances. For instance...I have had some weeks recently that seemed to fly by. Whether it was the level of satisfaction I experienced on the job, at home, in spending time with people, etc...from the start of the week on Monday (I know some people think of Sunday as the first day of the week...but my mind just doesn't break it down that way) to the middle of my day-off on Friday...I would just about swear that only 2 or 3 days worth of time had registered mentally. Other times (like this week), from 8am Monday until this moment (Wednesday evening at about 8:45pm) seemed to take about 8 days worth of energy and time. Sheesh! I just think it might be an interesting study for someone to write a doctoral dissertation about. So keep that in mind for those pursuing their Ph.D. anytime soon.
I guess it's been a long week because of some difficult conversations and some intensely stressful personal situations. When your emotions are fully engaged...the battery drains much more quickly. Fortunately, I've been able to spend some time with one who has endured much more than I ever will in this arena of emotion and psychological strain. The Gethsemane scene from the Passion of the Christ comes to mind. I'm reminded all I need is a little time in a "green pasture" or near some "quiet waters." Anybody know the way to one of those?