The Last Entry of the Year

The past year has seriously been a blur! As I look back, it’s easy to see that I have undergone more transition, stress, and angst in the past year than any other year of my life...by far. Of course, change effects not only me personally, but those around me as well...especially my wife and girls.

Although life has not yet become stress-free, I would have to say that I am ending the year much healthier than when it began. My priorities have been simplified. My schedule has been reduced to a nearly manageable pace (within six more months I will finally enter of phase of life with what some people call MARGIN! I don’t think I’ve experienced a healthy amount of space in my life since high school). Our budget has certainly been simplified...painfully so. But that too represents a healthy transition which will significantly affect the quality of my marriage and family dynamics.

Speaking of family...I have an incredibly patient, kind, unselfish, and Godly wife...not to mention she’s a hottie. I have two beautiful healthy girls. Jessica turned five in August and is so smart. She’s enjoying kindergarten and loves barbies. Jaquelyn will be two in March and is chattering away. Some of the words we can even translate now! Being a father is by far the most fulfilling, emotionally challenging, joy producing responsibility I could ever be blessed with. I can’t wait to see what the new year brings into the daddy-daughter experience.

Nearly a year ago I began the transition out of a career of professional ministry into the greater ministry realm of life. I use the word “greater” not as a comparative term but as a geographical term. For twelve years I have pursued God within the context of church, religion, and the denominational institution. Now I have chosen to pursue God in some different ways and allow Him to transform my everyday life into a practice of presence. I don’t foresee the church/institution dropping completely off the map of my journey, but it will certainly no longer be the epicenter of spiritual activity that it once was. I am convinced that this is a very healthy transition for me as well as for my family.

For those who may be wondering how the interview went (which I mentioned in my previous entry), it really could not have gone much better. I anticipate hearing good or bad news by the end of next week. We’ll see. I’m quite confident that unseen hands are guiding me in this whole process. I look forward to opportunities of building relationships, developing an enjoyable career environment, and making an impact within a specifically defined community during the next year. The journey is such a better experience when you take time to pull over and check out the “scenic overlooks.” The path is not always easy but the destination is well worth the effort.

Tsunamis, Forgotten Offenders, and Bill Cosby

Well, if you're wondering what the connection is between the components of my title, just read a little further...because I'm not sure I fully grasp what's emerging here myself. As a matter of fact, I would say a good fifty-percent of my blogs begin with the end in mind. Mostly, I just try to engage the living process of reflection and hope that clarity comes into focus eventually. Of course, then there are blogs like my previous one which just scratch the surface or fulfill some obligatory notion of consistency. Hopefully, you don't have to put up with many of those.

But today I am engaged in purposeful reflection tucked away here in the far recesses of Panera's cafe. Moments like these rarely happen unintentionally. I began the process with a brief prayer...asking guidance for the day's journey.

On my way to checking email, I looked over the newstories of the day. The Asia death toll from the earthquake-generated tsunamis nears 68,000. I am completely overwhelmed looking at photos of the destruction and grieving survivors. In the "top headlines" link I see a caption reminding of the murder and fetus-snatching in Kansas. Then I stumble across an article on Bill Cosby and his "prophetic" crusade to turn young blacks from bling to books...which is not so well-received.

I then began to surf some of the "deeper" blogs (I definitely see my blog as an informal novice attempt which will hopefully develop into something "deeper" in the future) and stumbled across all kinds of issues. First I happened across a post describing the conflict with sin...a conflict I am certainly not unfamiliar with. Then onto my Daily Dig at www.bruderhof.com for a convicting look at cons and the choice we each have between self-exultation and pursuing God. And just as I had hoped...the process of focusing brings clarity and purpose to my path. Unfortunately, there is quite a difference between being clear on something and clearly being something or someone. In light of the overwhelming need presented by natural disaster...in light of the overwhelming odds and statistics generated by street crime, drugs, and poverty...in light of my own personal struggle and conflict with sin...in light of all those dark things, what will I do today? That is the recurring question for each of us which most ignore or drown out with busyness. What will I do today? Or more importantly, who will I be today? Will I be someone who carries truth and servanthood like a familiar tool of trade? I certainly hope so.

Conquering Clutter and My New "Closet"

I recently went on a little cleaning and organizational spree which focused, for the most part, on our closet at home. Debbie and I have a very good-sized walk-in closet in our bedroom which has been home to a lot of storage tubs and junk over the years. As I began to clean up and organize “my side” of the closet, I realized how much space was actually back there. Pretty soon I was shipping out about one-third of my clothes to good will and creating a new “space” which is completely tucked away and insulated from the rest of the house.

Not too long ago I was reading a book by Jerome Daley called Soul Space. And I was reminded of the content of that book and his description of “clutter” which we often neglect until it out of control. In some strange philosophical way, as I was cleaning out the closet and organizing a fresh clean space...I felt as though I was ridding myself of some internal clutter. And in fact, those two types of clutter are very much connected in my life. Another annual clutter conquering quest I just finished recently had to do with the garage. The garage, from what I’ve been told, is actually meant to store vehicles. Well, somehow our vehicles (or at least my vehicle) often gets displaced from the garage by the accumulation of clutter. This clutter ranges anywhere from dog food, lawncare supplies, trash cans, pop cans, and bicycles, to fishing poles, scrap lumber, old ovens, and the kids’ toys. And just about every October or November...the clutter just becomes overwhelming...and I go on an all-day rampage to clean and organize the garage. Perhaps it’s because I want my car out of the winter elements...perhaps it’s a psychological need to bring order and simplicity to the complexity and chaos. I’m really not sure. (It’s probably a combination of those two reasons and more.)

Back to my new “closet” though. I am really enjoying this new space. In fact, I’m sitting in an old green pseudo-vinyl chair which used to belong to my grandmother with my feet propped up on the almost-matching foot stool. The chair is covered with a cozy alpaca wool blanket I picked up in Ecuador last January. I put up a little shelf to my right which is holding about two dozen books I’ve been wanting to read for the past six months. I have an old two-drawer filing cabinet with a little alarm clock to keep those catnaps from going too long. There’s two 40-watt bulbs above my left shoulder casting the perfect amount of light. On the wall behind me are two of my favorite prints...a lighthouse...and an old galleon of a ship rising on the swell of a foam-capped sea. It is a quiet place...a simple space...it’s my soul space. Do you know what I’m talking about? Perhaps it’s because my life is currently paralleling this pursuit of space. And although it’s going to take more than a day, month, or even year to conquer the clutter which has accumulated in my soul for the past thirty-three years...I have this incredible sense of...space...simplicity...and focus...for the Quest...the Quest of the mystery of life with God.

Do you know what I’m talking about? Do you have that kind of space? I certainly haven’t arrived yet, but let me tell you...it’s a good place to be headed!

Journeyman Bean begins the ascent of the volcano.

While in Ecuador in January, 2004, I left the safety of the city with a couple of friends and took a dangerous little excursion into the surrounding mountains. It took all day, but we hiked nearly to the summit (into the ice cap) of the 2nd tallest volcano in Ecuador...Cotapaxi.
Several miles from the volcanic summit of Cotapaxi in Ecuador

What a lucky Dad!