An After Photo

(I won't show you my 'before' photo since that would just look like I'm going to sell you some magic juice and a book) I think when I get certified as a fitness trainer, I'll automatically morph into this guy. That'll be sweet. Actually, looking at this hardbody reminds me that there's a dangerous vanity trap in this fitness endeavor/kick that I'm on. But I don't think I'll have to worry about EVER looking this ripped. I'll just be glad to fit into the 32" jeans I just bought to motivate me towards that goal by Thankgiving.

So for those who have been following my blog lately, this seems to be completely off the subject and random. But I actually have an interview with a gym owner in downtown Cincinnati this coming Tuesday. We have a mutual friend at Starbucks who gave me the lead. I also just scheduled my exam now that I have the CPR thing out of the way. I take a 3-hour computer-based exam on Tuesday Nov 21st at 9am. That gives me just over 3 weeks to absorb a gigantic fitness text and memorize every muscle in the body and how to train it...at least 3 different ways!

Back to the church dilemma, Deb and the girls had a rough night and slept in this morning so I took advantage of the opportunity to attend at St. E's again in Norwood. Something just really clicks when I'm there and I can't even articulate what it is. And interestingly, I was noticing today how diverse this group of people is. From socio-economics to politics...it's really not what I would call a homogenous group of people...much like the groups you find at the traditional churches we've been a part of in the past.

I sure appreciate all the great comments folks have been leaving on my blog here. Keep it coming! The words of wisdom, advice, suggestions, cautions, rebukes, etc...are all good to hear.

Gracious Comments

As I opened up my hotmailbox tonight, I had this nervous anxiety over what I might read. As I read over comments from James, Brandon, and Jason, I was reminded of what gracious and Godly friends I have. Thanks to each of you for the good insights (except for the Caribou reference!) and ways in which you help me re-examine and re-direct my often irrational knee-jerk blog'bursts.

(Just kidding Jason...I can even respect your affection for Caribou. Half of their employees in Columbus were prior Starbucks partners I think! I just hosted a coffee seminar at Starbucks today for about a dozen java lovers and it's really bizarre how much I love to explore, taste, and share coffee with others. Regardless of what kind of coffee it is and where it's grown...there's such a great story behind each coffee bean, the hands that harvested it, and the final fortunate recipient of the brew. I'm sure there's a spiritual analogy here, but I'm fighting the urge to spiritualize everything.)

To James, I'd just like to say blessings on the exploration ahead and the redefining of your role in the tribe, denomination, and community. I celebrate alongside you guys over the path your family is now traveling. Wish I could join you to hear JW.

To Brandon...let's definitely get together soon. We're looking at the Norwood area as a potential place to put down some new roots. One of the reasons would be proximity to Xavier and a chance to do some studying there. I completely respect all that you're saying about staying, learning, and working through the issues of church where the "grind" definitely adds more flavor to the cup from which you're drinking.

To Jason...thanks for clashing the iron together for me and revealing a blind spot in my critique. I definitely don't think two wrongs make a right...but your point is well taken. I'd like to think we would personally be much more generous with our abundance than we have in the past. Of course, it may be awhile before we know "abundance" again. Starbucks doesn't pay me HALF of what BCN did!

To the rest of you...Shalom!

May the peace of Christ be with you

Gracious Comments

As I opened up my hotmailbox tonight, I had this nervous anxiety over what I might read. As I read over comments from James, Brandon, and Jason, I was reminded of what gracious and Godly friends I have. Thanks to each of you for the good insights (except for the Caribou reference!) and ways in which you help me re-examine and re-direct my often irrational knee-jerk blog'bursts.

(Just kidding Jason...I can even respect your affection for Caribou. Half of their employees in Columbus were prior Starbucks partners I think! I just hosted a coffee seminar at Starbucks today for about a dozen java lovers and it's really bizarre how much I love to explore, taste, and share coffee with others. Regardless of what kind of coffee it is and where it's grown...there's such a great story behind each coffee bean, the hands that harvested it, and the final fortunate recipient of the brew. I'm sure there's a spiritual analogy here, but I'm fighting the urge to spiritualize everything.)

To James, I'd just like to say blessings on the exploration ahead and the redefining of your role in the tribe, denomination, and community. I celebrate alongside you guys over the path your family is now traveling. Wish I could join you to hear JW.

To Brandon...let's definitely get together soon. We're looking at the Norwood area as a potential place to put down some new roots. One of the reasons would be proximity to Xavier and a chance to do some studying there. I completely respect all that you're saying about staying, learning, and working through the issues of church where the "grind" definitely adds more flavor to the cup from which you're drinking.

To Jason...thanks for clashing the iron together for me and revealing a blind spot in my critique. I definitely don't think two wrongs make a right...but your point is well taken. I'd like to think we would personally be much more generous with our abundance than we have in the past. Of course, it may be awhile before we know "abundance" again. Starbucks doesn't pay me HALF of what BCN did!

To the rest of you...Shalom!

May the peace of Christ be with you

From Comment to Post

This began as a comment on a friends blog but grew into something I thought I should just post here. Here are a couple of comments I've excised from his entry which you can feel free to check out here in its entirety.

I’ve realized more and more lately how much I appreciate being in a group
of people with whom I often disagree, notably my church. I tend to give a
hard time to people that have abandoned the church. I’m beginning to
figure out why it is so valuable to stay.

If I had left the church, or found a church where everyone was just like
me, where it was easy to be me and easy to be friendly and like people…what
would I accomplish?

I'm not sure why, but his comments and posts like these are just ticking me off! That's not necessarily a bad thing because it makes me process things a little more and look more at WHY I feel/think the way I do. But what does one mean by "abadoning the church"
...abandoning YOUR church?
And abandoning A church is much different from abandoning THE CHURCH.
Of course, my "abandonment" (which is not yet complete) includes an element of reaction. I'm reacting against the machinery and convolution of being on staff at a church that spends 90% of it's resources on staff and facilities and maybe 10% on mission and compassionate generous activity(that stat is fairly accurate for all 4 churches at which I've served). Now speaking of being reactionary, I suppose I could just react to my friend's blog as well (we really are friends!) but I'll resist the urge to do that by presenting a case for my exit from the church.

I've been listening to a couple of guys on the "God Journey" podcast who are having some good conversations on this topic. It's obvious that they've both exited what most of us would describe as conventional or traditional church. And they often speak of the unproductive "us" vs. "them" terminology and blame games which are commonplace in this arena of religious vs. relational approaches to God. Even describing the conflict as "religous vs. relational" creates a critical and defensive posture and attitude. Most conventional/traditional churches would argue that they believe in authentic relationship with God rather than religious obligatory spiritual behavior (pharisaical or legalistic). From my current perspective...which is kind of in between both worlds...I definitely see some very unhealthy sytemic, institutional, and religious dysfunction which has to be addressed. I will not further jeopardize my spiritual health or that of my family for the sake of loyalty and peacemaking.

My thoughts keep spinning off in many different directions which makes it very difficult to craft a sensical thesis here. And I won't deny that there's some defensiveness and reaction in my heart as well as my blog. But I honestly believe you can abandon a church without abandoning THE Church.

I Guess Wedgies Aren't "PC"

Occasionally I actually read some of the news articles which are linked from my homepage. I suppose it's my version of reading the daily newspaper (which I don't actually do).

One of the articles I read today was about a principal in Montana who was suspended because he gave a senior soccer player a wedgie. Apparently he pulled his jersey over his head and then yanked on the ol' underwear band (aka...the wedgie). Obviously, many people in the community were outraged and demanding his resignation while some had a more humane and forgiving attitude. But I like what the principle himself said about the incident...

He said his first reaction was to resign, but he wanted to "tackle this mess" head on. "I want to live in a world where we don't have to hide when we screw up," he said.

Isn't that our first reaction when we mess up? To run and hide...or disappear for awhile...or move to a new place...or stitch together some fig leaves for clothes.

Good Starbucks News

An encouraging phone call came from my district manager at Starbucks today. I've been offered a position as assistant manager which brings me back to where I left off with Starbucks in Columbus. That's very good news since it means a pay increase and a step closer to getting my own store. I'm really hoping that happens by the end of next summer. I'll try to be a little more patient with the process this time and not bail out when something looks a little "greener." The promotion will take effect in a couple of weeks and most likely mean relocating to a new store. That will mean a bit more of a drive...but the change of scenery will be nice.

Have you ever gotten stuck in the rut of regret?
I'm there.

As I look back and replay the last coupld of years over in my head, I have these massive episodes of "what if?" and "if only..." It makes me sense a connection with those individuals who don't seem able to get beyond something in their past. Typically, I think that happens when people are wronged or victimized in some way...it becomes very difficult to "get over it" and move ahead. For me, it's more of this gnawing sense of how much better our lives (the family) would be had we.... And just to be painfully vulnerable once again (though I often regret that too), I'm holding God mostly responsible. How I begged and prayed for God to give us clear direction and show us some definitive path to follow. All I got was the spiritual version of crickets chirping. So we moved forward with what seemed prudent, spiritual, logical, and the right thing to do. Now I can't seem to deal with how much it sucks. Want to cast doubt on my/our relationship with God at the time as the explanation for the lack of direct communication and guidance? Feel free...but God knows what my heart and motivations have been over the past 15 years! I don't think it's that...I think there's something very sinister going on...and it continues.

Dangit! This post started off so positively too?!

By the way, Brandon...great point about the cup/sleeve thing!

My Achin' Glutes

So I had a great leg workout at Gold's before heading over to Starbucks. Doing that right before an 8-hour shift is not what I'd call ideal timing. But I was glad to get back to the gym after missing a coupld of days. We spent Friday/Saturday with the younger bro and his family in Indy. Good times, I must say!

Tomorrow I am supposed to meet with my District Manager and another DM in the area for a sort of interview. I'm hoping to make the jump back to an assistant manager role for Starbucks. That would sure help our case financially...especially if I can get my store back into the "bonus" realm! Then I would hope to be bumped up to a position as store manager by next summer if not earlier. A year or two as a store manager should be good preparation for becoming a district manager. Then perhaps one more jump up to regional director in 2012 to finish up the Starbucks journey. Should be fun.

In the meantime, I'm very close to finishing my certification with ACE in order to start some personal training on the side. I have to knock out a CPR class next weekend and then take a 3-hour exam in early November. About two more weeks of studying should do the trick. Once I'm certified, I'll either try to start training some clients at Gold's or get connected with another gym in the Norwood/Silverton area. I have a Starbucks connection which could help out a latte!

Now on to spiritual concerns. To follow-up with my last post, let's just say I've taken someone's suggestion to relax a bit and give God and myself some time to adjust to all the transitions we're still navigating. It's a relief to think that I don't have to "fix" this problem immediately. Instead, I'll just take advantage of opportunities to cultivate some community here and there and allow God to work through some relationships and friendships for the time being.

Unfortunately though...I had a difficult worship experience this morning. I'm trying to do what feels to me to be the "right thing" and attend a gathering which I'm not crazy about. I want to give it more time because it does seem to be a good fit for our family as a whole. But I had some issues with the message as well as the worship and the whole environment to be truthful. I'm sure there's a part of me that pretty much wants to be part of a different gathering...so it's hard to be objective. I'll keep trying...so all the Nazarene loyalists will be happy! (just messing with you guys... ;-)

Blessings,
Chris

A Painful Path

I was just catching up with the recent posts of a college friend who found out last week that she has breast cancer. Reading the combination of humor and hurt certainly jolts something within me right now.

What is cancer? I'm obviously no oncologist or remotely educated on the subject, but my basic understanding is that it's the presence of destructive mutated unhealthy cells and tissue in the body. And apparently, the only way to fight it...is to consume or be exposed to a treatment which kills not only the cancer but surrounding tissue as well.

To make an oversimplified analogy...I'm wondering if I have an emotional or spiritual cancer (the latter could perhaps be identified with sin...but that's not necessarily what I'm talking about). What I mean to say is that I seem to have something destructive, negative, and cynical growing within me...and it's killing some of the healthy parts. For instance, I'm very cynical right now about all the spiritual disciplines and exercises which I've engaged in (religiously and mostly out of obligation) for the past 25 years or so. So things like prayer, reading scripture, and corporate worship just seem like exercises in ambivalence.

Obviously, I need to find some creative way to incorporate these spiritual "disciplines" back into my daily diet. But I have this heightened sensitivity right now towards anything that's inauthentic or towards doing anything religious simply because it's the right thing to do. All those things should flow naturally from a healthy relationship with God...right?! But is there a way to develop a healthy relationship with God apart from doing those things?. Spiritual Catch 22, eh?!

But back to my friend, Andrea, and her present struggle. It reminds me that I'm grumbling and feeling kind of pathetic towards my current situation. Pathetic...pathological...path...I'm not enjoying this part of the path. So why can I not just CHOOSE and DECIDE and WILL myself down a different path? That's what I would like to do.

Love Me Some Chick Fil-A

Maybe some lighter trivial posting is in order...?!

I've been enjoying frequent visits to the new Chick Fil-A which is right next door to our Starbucks (just a bit more than a stone's throw I suppose). I was the fourth person out of 100 to camp out before opening day and get 52 free combo meals the first Wed/Thur of October.

For anyone interested, there's another Chick Fil-A opening Wed/Thurs Nov 2nd here on the eastside of Cincinnati (Beechmont Ave) and then one in Grove City (Columbus) on Nov 16th. People start lining up 24 hours prior to the grand opening...so you have to get there on Wednesday before 100 people show up (usually between 4-10pm) and then camp out in the parking lot until the 6am opening to win your prize. It's $260 worth of Chick Fil-A!! They're going to make great little stocking stuffers...not to mention I haven't spent a dime on my lunch breaks since my decision to eat more chickin'. I'll be at the Beechmont & Grove City openings...so feel free to join me!! Better dress warmly.

As for my new physically fit alter ego...the workouts are still going very well at Gold's gym. I'm down from 212 lbs. when I started (September 2nd) to about 193 to 195 lbs!! I've lost 1.5 inches around the waist as well as 1.5 inches from each of my thighs! The jeans are hanging kinda of loose for the first time in...well, ever! But this coming week I'll slow down to 4-5 workouts per week instead of 6. The schedule hasn't been real family friendly. I'm still studying the books and information to be certified through A.C.E. as a personal trainer. Then I hope to start working at a gym and training some folks for about 10-15 hours/week.

Which leads me to Starbucks. I'm having some issues with the coffee conglomerate right now. Some of them stem from management issues at my local store. Mis-management I should say! But beyond that, my newfound passion for health and fitness has me irritated at how much Starbucks is contributing to the obesity of Americans and other global citizens. Just tonight I had a customer (young female) ask me what was in a white mocha, because she was putting on weight ever since she started drinking them. Well, that's because the white mocha is about the sweetest most flippin' fattening thing you could order at Starbucks!! And another thing is really irking me...an issue related more to conservation and the environment. I find myself getting angry when nearly every customer starts whining for a..."drink thingy," "cup holder," "hand warmer," which is actually known as a sleeve. Now I know people are paying enough to deserve the total Starbucks experience (which I guess includes the sleeve), but would it kill you to save a few trees?! A latte is not hot enough to burn you unless you order it extra hot. And is the frappuccino really so cold or moist that you need one on that drink too?! I just want to say "No! You don't need a damn sleeve for your tall 140 degree latte!" Just TRY to be a little more "green" for once.

So apparently I can't even talk about trivial things without going on a rant.

By the way, what are you reading (blogs, podcasts, other forms of media) that you think I would enjoy? Leave me a link.

My Cycle of Discontent

A couple of days ago, I was fortunate to spend some time with my best buds from Columbus. I knew I needed to get away for a day or so and talk some things over with those who have known me best for the longest time (besides my brothers...the next get-a-way will be to Indy!)

Unfortunately, the discussion about all things spiritual, emotional, marital, vocational, and trivial regarding my life revealed a seriously flawed common thread running through the fabric of my recent and not-so-recent past. Discontentment...it plagues me. There are hints of it throughout my late adolescence and early adulthood. But the most obvious instances began cropping up towards the end of our time in Westerville. And now I find myself in a pattern of seasonal contentment which only lasts a few months before this primal desire to flee emerges once again.

And the real problem is not knowing the source of this discontentment. Is it primarily a spiritual problem? Do I just need to pull up the spiritual bootstraps and 'get over it?!' Or is it vocational? Is it marital? Does it have to do with my calling? Am I being disobedient by not serving in some official pastoral role? Is it just a by-product of living with your in-laws and hoping the pieces of your life fall back into place within the next 9 or 10 months? I really don't know the cause or root problem.

I just had to delete a whole big paragraph because it just degenerated into whining and a gripe session. I'll try to spare you all of anymore of that stuff. Speaking of whining...my girls are terrible at bedtime! They're incredible cute and sweet the other 12-16 hours of the day. But if there's anything to worry or cry about at bedtime...my 7 and 3 year old girls are all over it. Jess and I did have a great daddy-daughter bowling date this morning though. Precious moments, eh?!

Man of Extremes

Yeah...as I read back over my post from last night...I regret that emotional outburst. In my quest for personal fitness and a certification as a trainer, I've learned a bit about muscular anatomy and how muscle fibers work. They operate by the all-or-nothing principle. A muscle fiber either fully exerts itself or isn't activated at all (cardiac and vascular muscle tissue is different). I often feel like I operate by the same all-or-nothing principle. For some reason, I've not been real good at balance lately...emotional or spiritual.

Is anyone watching Studio 60? I think the way they're dealing with Christianity is pretty interesting. The writers definitely identify at least two versions of Christianity. One is ultra-conservative, political, evangelical, and pretty unattractive. The other is something that apprears to be a little more authentic, compassionate, inclusive, and gracious. That dichotomy has been around a very long time. So why didn't the early followers of Christ just remain Jewish and incarnationally reform the church of the day? Why was it necessary to break fellowship with all those God-fearing, God-honoring synagogue occupants?! Jesus didn't come to start a new church did he? Jesus wasn't a Christian...he was a Jew.

Is every "church" the Bride?

There are certainly many things at stake in my life right now...but this issue of "church" seems to be right at the center of it all. I can appreciate that many of you have this determined sense of messianic calling to your local instituations. But part of the problem now is that we have no local institution. We're in a completely new environment, living temporarily in an area I'm quite sure we won't settle in, trying to dig out of a seemingly insurmountable hell-hole of debt, navigating a treacherous road of familial tension, and add to that a complete and utter desperate sense that my entire Christian experience up to this point has set me up for this ultimate failure...as a husband, as a dad, as a provider, as a minister, as a Nazarene, and perhaps in some other unmentionable ways.

And as surely as my emotions overwhelm me in this moment...there is no sense of hope right now that anything good is on the horizon.

Whether or not I exercise some futile attempt at denominational or institutional loyalty is, believe me, NOT even the right discussion to be having. That's not to say it's not an important discussion...just not one that's going to solve anything in my life at the moment.

I don't want to seem ungrateful for anyone's comments, input, or emails...I definitely value them all. I'm just beat down by some bigger issues at the moment. Thanks for your words and prayers.