A Dark Day for the Soul

Interesting that Ryan should reference St. John of the Cross in that last comment section. The "dark night of the soul" has been a frequent phrase in my self talk over the past couple of years. However, I wouldn't presume to think that my current sufferings equal or surpass those of many throughout church history or those who currently suffer for Christ in tragic and life-threatening ways across the globe.

Yet pain is relative...and relative to any other experience or phase throughout my 35 years of journeying...the pain, confusion, and pressure we've been facing for over a year now often seems to near the point of emotional, spiritual, and even physical paralysis.

Today was an especially dark "day" of the soul. Three significantly negative and disappointing encounters/events took place between 4:45am and 4:45pm. The musician in me wants to sit down with my guitar, pick around in a minor key, and write a lament...

How long, Oh Lord, will the darkness surround me?!
My tears fall like rain in this storm of my soul...
If you don't protect me from all of these trials,
I'll crumble to pieces...I'll never be whole... How long?!

Happy Thanksgiving

To all you hardcore blog checkers who are making the rounds even on Thankgiving Day.

One of the many things I'm thankful for is the supportive online community of spiritual sojourners who keep tabs on me with encouragement as well as accountability.
Blessings on all of you and your families.

May His peace be yours...especially as we head into the hectic downhill stretch of 2006.

Examination Day

Well, just to bring everyone up to speed on the newest iron in my fire...I've been studying for about 2 months to become certified as a personal trainer. "Why" you may ask? Well, there are two reasons really. I've always been one of those health & fitness wannabe's. For some reason though, my goals just always eluded me typically due to a lack of discipline. I can remember about 3 different times that I purchased a gym membership and failed to take full advantage of it. But something clicked during our transition to Cincinnati and I decided that part of my journey towards health & wholeness would include physical fitness. Then I also realized that my income at Starbucks would not adequately support our family let alone propel us towards our goals of debt-lessness. As I pondered the possibilities of another part-time job, I knew it had to be something that would not feel like a job...something I could be passionate about...and something that would pay pretty well. At first, I wasn't sure such an opportunity existed (since I wasn't interested in speaking engagements, youth retreats, or worship "gigs" anymore). But after watching an episode of some reality-TV-meets-the-gym show, I thought...Eureka! I've found it...I'll be a personal trainer.

After cramming the names of obscure muscles and various principles of biomechanics and exercise physiology for the past two months...I spent four hours on the "final exam" this morning and just received the results via email a few moments ago.

I passed!!

On top of that, I've had two great interviews at a couple of private training studios here in Cincinnati and have a great door of opportunity at perhaps both of them. I should be training some clients within a few weeks. Both of the facilities are near my favorite part of the city and close to where we'd like to relocate sometime soon.

Enough about me though...God is saying some great things and affirming some things through the God Journey. I know I've referenced their stuff before...but you should definitely check out this episode. Give it a listen and come back for some dialogue.

The Game of My Life

So far so good! This is a sporting event of epic proportions. The opening drive made me a little nervous...but Troy "Heisman" Smith is definitely firing off perfect passes.

Back to the action...

Psalm 25

To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul;
in you I trust, O my God.
Do not let me be put to shame,
nor let my enemies triumph over me.
No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame,
but they will be put to shame who are treacherous without excuse.

Show me your ways, O LORD,
teach me your paths



I've been bombarded with songs, scriptures, e-mails, podcast sermons, etc on trust this week. In a sermon on trust from Rick McKinley at Imago Dei in Portland, he pointed out the most common "do not" command in the Bible. More than any other command in the Scriptures is this one: "Do not be afraid." And in the particular text Rick was teaching from, it was in the context of "do not be afraid for I am with you." A little later in the story (of Abraham) God reassured Abe with these words, "For I am your shield, and I am your reward."

As I think back on my post about being angry, I have realized in the past few days that most of my anger is really directed at myself. And all the anger I've been sensing is simmering in a soup of fear. I'm afraid for my family...afraid financially...afraid for my marriage...afraid for my career...afraid of my calling...and the list could go on. But a little light has begun to flicker...a spark of hope...in God. Although I've recently told many that I don't feel inclined to trust God right now...what options am I faced with?

Part of the reason I've felt distrust towards God is due to what I have perceived as a lack of reward...or the lack of God "coming through" for us in difficult times. But I have certainly not been focused on God himself as my reward. The reward and provision has not come as I was hoping or expecting. Again, will I ever learn that God is more concerned with relationship than anything else?!

So perhaps a corner is being turned. I am taking steps to re-place my hope and trust in God. I want to re-align my will with His and agree that ease of life or material blessing is not the reward, but a deeper and more authentic intimacy with the Father...that's what we're after. I'm sure that as I get my mind off of myself...it will improve all of my relationships as well...not just the human-divine one.

Not Eating More Chikin in Columbus

Well, my quest for 52 more free combo meal coupons from Chick-fil-A will have to wait. I must have gotten my information from an old website. Thinking the grand opening of the Grove City Chick-fil-A was tomorrow morning, I drove to Columbus and found the building still under construction. It won't be opening until Dec 14th...the same day the one in Carmel, IN opens. Dang it...I was hoping to go to both of those openings.

Some think I'm a bit obsessed with the Atlanta-based purveyor of chicken...but I'm saving a ton of $ eating there as well as keeping my nutritional goals on track. By exchanging the fruit cup for fries and eating the chargrilled version...and drinking unsweetened tea with Splenda...I'm only getting about 300 calories and 3g of fat!!

Speaking of calories...I've been burning lots of them. For the first time in many many years...I'm about to drop back into the 180's as I weighed in at 191 the other day. I have a pair of 32w x 32L jeans hanging on the bathroom door which I hope to fit into by Thanksgiving. (I've been between 36's & 38's for the past few years) I know...I sound like a girl obsessed with fitting into that bridal gown or something! But the "bottom" line is about being fit and healthy. The body/mind/soul connection is undeniable. And I think the increased physical discipline, the balancing out of my body weight, and the stress relieving effect of exercise are just some of the reasons I'm turning a corner emotionally and spiritually as well.

My new role as an assistant manager with Starbucks begins on Monday. That will greatly enhance the paycheck and give me more administrative responsibility in the store...which is very good. I stopped by a training studio/gym this afternoon to drop off a resume. It's run by one of the guys who I interview with a couple of weeks ago for a personal trainer position. Because I'm brand new to the industry, it's going to take some time for me to earn some clientele, but the guy was very supportive and excited about my potential to learn and excel in the "biz." So I can actually start spending some time with him and his team to learn the trade and shadow some of the veteran trainers. Very cool opportunity. I take the gigantic certification exam one week from today. I'm still trying to memorize all the muscles and how to train them, stretch them, and hypertrophize them!

Speaking of Well-fed...

I had two great meetings and conversations today along with some good food. The encounters proved to be very refreshing even though they both left me with an urgent longing for some more clarity.

This evening's conversation was with an old college buddy most of us know as "Mossy." (Sorry, Jason...by "old" I was just referring to those good "old" days!) Our youth ministry paths crossed many times between the college days and now...but it's been awhile since we shared a meal and life together. My lunch was with a new friend who has had some similar experiences in life and ministry. His journey has brought him to a newstart here in Cincinnati where he's trying to pick up the reigns and lead this young congregation towards being a missional and relational church. It's a group/congregation which we've been visiting and with whom we're considering to be a part of. Today's conversation certainly opened that door a bit wider.

Sharing some deep honest hopes and hurts felt like the embrace of God today. I guess He doesn't hold a grudge like me.

Alaska or Bust?!

After a recent conversation with Deb (my wife) regarding my current perspective on spiritual things, I was forced to spend a little more time reflecting on my "God journey" these days. Regardless of HOW I got to this point...it's exactly where I'm at and therefore the starting place for each new day.

First of all, I'm a bit angry.

This is an important piece of background information to be aware of. That I'm angry is obvious to me. Why I'm angry is a little less clear. Some days I just sense an anger and frustration with life and the negative circumstances we're enduring. But on other days (dare I say MOST days) I am particularly disappointed and angry with God. Now I'm not just talking about a momentary lapse of warm fuzzies...it's a potent amount of fury which I can't find any more appropriate target for than God. In order to protect a tiny amount of privacy and dignity for myself and my family, I won't share particular details here...but suffice it to say that over the past 3 years or so, I perceive that God has allowed some pretty rotten things to transpire in our lives. And the worst of it is that we completely trusted God to lead and provide the entire time. We begged and pleaded for God to give us direction on certain matters! And it would be one thing to feel like God screwed me over personally. But it's more serious than that. The way I see it...God has actually acted against us as a family...including my faithful servant-hearted wife...and my innocent little girls.

So to review (for those who wish to be active listeners), what I'm saying is that I feel God has rewarded twelve years of pastoral labor and service with the darkest days and deepest valley of our married and parental lives. It's fair to say that I have a continuously simmering soup of anger within which I marinate daily.

Now...having admitted that unhealthy bit of information...let me connect some of the dots which might illustrate where I'm at on matters of "church." The "church" has been a willing participant in my demise...as well as the spiritual demise of many others. Although many churches are doing some good things and have the best of intentions, I think that the general state of the church in most of its sectarian manifestations (whether evangelical, mainline protestant, catholic, etc) is an unhealthy system of religious activity and organization. One of the guys from the God Journey podcast (can't remember if it was Wayne or Brad) referred to a pastor who basically stated that being a successful church growing/planting pastor by today's standards requires of set of skills which doesn't necessarily include a dynamic and authentic transforming relationship with Jesus. And I found that very true in my 12 years of youth ministry. Being a success in the eyes of parents, students, and peers demanded many things of me...but genuine spiritual intimacy with God was not necessarily one of them. Is the church directly to blame for my un-mentored and under-developed spiritual journey? I don't believe so. But you have to admit there's something wrong with a system/"church" which praises the administratively and oratorically gifted person...but immediately disqualifies and abandons the leader who shows any signs of moral weakness or failure though it's own deficient environment of accountability and true soul care is mostly to blame.

I'm not saying it's time for all of us to abandon the ship...but I do think it's time to question why we're more focused on the ship than on the destination or journey with God?! Perhaps to illustrate, I would liken it to a group of people who are passionate about going to visit Alaska. But once their dingy gets upgraded to a palatial decked out cruise ship...they become more concerned with all the luxuries and programming available on board...and the focus on Alaskan exploration gets lost along the way.

To continue with this illustration...I feel like I got a glimpse of the destination from the upper deck through the dense fog and I've launched one of the little life rafts off of the cruise ship. But now I've washed up on a little island. From my unfortunate vantage point, I can see the ship with all its well-fed and entertained passengers...but I can also see the beautiful mountainous Alaskan wilderness in the distance, waiting to be explored. Only, I'm not headed that direction either...not yet anyway. I'm too angry for falling, jumping, or being tossed overboard (not sure what really happened). And for now, it seems that I have no recourse but to sit still and wait for an appropriate vessel to appear so I can set sail for the holy wild land God has promised.

Sleeping Beauty

I'm in an argument with my daughter of 3 years right now. She is trying to convince me that a sticker on my computer is Sleeping Beauty rather than Cinderella. Now I'm calling her Sleeping Beauty and she says "I not Sleeping Beauty...see my hair" (she says holding up a lock of her own hair to show me the different color) "Sleeping Beauty has yellow hair!"

"Well then," I say "I will call you Jaquey the Beautiful."

She smirks and reluctantly decides "I guess you can call me that."

I hope she will continue in her simple, innocent, creative, and energetic approach to life for many more years.

There definitely comes a point when simplicity gives way to complexity...innocence is darkened with shame...and the energy necessary to simply exist is daily spent with many minutes leftover. But I have to believe that this is living under the curse and not the blessing. Why would we choose to live in Genesis 3 rather than chapter 2?

In some ways right now, I feel this incredible amount of freedom and decreased anxiety. Our lives have really been simplified. We no longer spend 4 or 5 of our evenings each week "doing church." Faith and spirituality are integrated into our everyday lives in what seems to be a more healthy way. On the other hand, my level of spiritual "activity" and ministry involvement is so drastically reduced that I feel like a back-slidden heathen. I'm exaggerating a bit...but I definitely have a nagging sense that in walking away from church (for the most part) that I've walked away from God. But I'm wondering if that is just the result of being in an unhealthy balance for so many years?

Our search for a place and a gathering continues. I think if I can put aside some petty irritations and be a little more optimistic, we can settle in at LifeSpring and get to know some people there. Part of the reluctance on my part, though, has to do with the uncertainty of where we'll be living in six more months. I don't think the current situation (with my wonderful in-laws) can continue much beyond that time fram, but it just depends on how quickly we can turn things around financially.

We shall see.

Transition = Confusion

As I look back over some of my oldests posts, I notice how infrequently I encounter those 'moments of clarity' that I often look for. Life is so complex and multi-faceted...I find myself at a real loss when it comes to taking any kind of decisive action. It's like the mass of tangled cords and wires behind my computer desk. The wires and cables buried within seem so tangled...it's just going to take some plug-pulling to make sense of the mess.

And to make matters worse...the only comments and emails I received on that last post were from UofM fans! I love you guys, but my Buckeyes are looking pretty good...especially if you're going to struggle against Ball State, eh?! Actually, I'm really looking forward to the battle on Nov 18th...and hope to see both teams bring it.

Go Bucks!

The Scarlet & Gray continue their beautiful journey towards an Arizona Championship game. They always seem to have one bad quarter though. Hopefully, that won't be the quarter that Michigan decides to turn it on...like against Ball State yesterday.

The Buckeyes shoud've had about 40 points against Illinois but a win's a win, eh?!

The Starbucks schedule is really wearing me down right now. Fortunately, the scenery will change soon as I was promoted to an assistant manager position at a store in Newport, KY...just south of downtown Cincinnati. Hopefully, that will also lead to a more family-friendly schedule. Starbucks certainly is less stressful and demanding than ministry...but I always miss the autonomy and flexibility ministry provided. Don't worry, I'm not brushing off the resume...just whining.

I asked my trainer at Gold's to change up my leg workout Friday morning. He must have heard me say inhumanely intensify my leg workout...cause I'm having trouble negotiating steps and even some flat terrain today. I have about two weeks until my big certification exam for personal training. Hopefully it won't be painful to sit for three hours by then.