More Soul Space

I've been packing up my books at home...which has turned into a monumental project. I really have too many books. But anyway...it's fun to come across titles which I've previously read and reflect on their impact on my life. One book in particular which caught my attention (as I packed up the box labeled spiritual formation) was Soul Space by Jerome Daily. It was one of the books I was reading or had just read when I started this blog last year. The concept is simple and has to do with the need for simplicity. Our souls become cluttered in much the same way that the peripheral spaces of our homes become cluttered. It takes constant effort to maintain uncluttered living space in the deep places of our souls. Because the spiritual interior of our lives is not visible to the typical bystander, church acquaintance, or even some family members...it is so important that we take time to reflect and submit our souls to God's transforming gaze. For me...that's the pursuit of holiness. The sanctification of our hearts, minds, and wills is a setting-apart-act which is performed on us as we position ourselves in postures of yieldedness to God. I don't DO anything to get holy. I just position myself to get closer to the sanctfier...the holy presence...the transforming Spirit of God which nourishes my soul like a steady rain after a long unquenchable dryness.

When you're positioned for transformation and the awareness of grace seems intensified, it's a wonderful time...even in the midst of trial or suffering...because God's presence in adversity is better than even the best of circumstances without that awareness.

Numb from Waiting

One of the most paralyzing situations I've ever experienced is waiting. Not my cup of tea!

Preference vs. Presence

First let me share an update on our journey of interviewing and searching for a new home church... We had a very informal but effective time of dialogue (interview) last night with a great team of church leaders. The setting was unusual in that we went to the pastor's home for dinner along with about 10 or 12 individuals serving as ministry leaders. As much as an interview could be, it was comfortable and informative. I think I got a feel for the vision of the church, some recent history, and perceived strengths. Many of the typical questions were launched towards me and I tried not to just regurgitate the 'right answers' but to use them as opportunities to share my values and non-negotiables in ministry. Although I'm sure the groups who have been interviewing with us perceive themselves as the interview-ers...I'm quite sure we've entered the process perceiving it the other way around. And so far...we've exerted some form of control over this process...but now that we've encountered a situation which seems to have God all over it...and just about every issue of vision, resources, spiritual authenticity, etc is in place...now we submit to the situation and pray for God to bring clarity!

Now for the part of this post which actually connects with the title...

I was invited to speak at a men's prayer breakfast this morning on the topic of worship and challenging men to encounter God in deeper ways (which applies to both genders actually). As I was preparing to speak and share this week, I kept hitting a "wall" because I was looking for something profound to say...from the latest book or worship guru. Finally the Spirit urged me to share the things I have personally been learning about worship lately.

I could sum that journey up in a couple of trite (yet meaningful) phrases. Worship is not about 'preference' (i.e. the style of worship that appeals to me) but about 'presence.' Worship is a response to God's presence...not just His presence in a building while music is playing and hands are being lifted...but His presence which can be celebrated daily in the 'jars of clay' in Spirit and in Truth (John 4). Worship is also about the daily cultivation of relational intimacy and passion for God. It's not about obligatory spiritual performance.

My Girls to the Rescue

My ride yesterday should've been about 50 or 60 miles...if I had finished it! I had not been eating healthy for the past few days or even been on the bike in over a week due to that bad spoke. So I should have done 20 to 30 miles. As is my usual custom though...I bit off more than I could chew and called Deb and the girls in as my "lag" vehicle. I had left a voice message at home with pain in my voice and being out of breath. Jess heard and asked Deb, "Is daddy okay??" She got a kick out of coming to my rescue as I heaved the bike into the trunk of the car.

Ooops...lunch break is over at Starbucks. Just a few more days.

Big interview Friday evening...if you're the praying type...please throw one up for us!

Blessings.

Cycling Sycophant

Cycling: the act of riding a cycle..i.e. bicycle

Sycophant: a servile self-seeking flatterer (synonym: parasite)

I think the connotation of 'sycophant' is rather negative, so I don't think it's an accurate representation of me personally...but the phrase came to mind and sounded cool in my head.

But I am all about the bike today. Just dropped it off next door at BikeSource with my buddy Kurt who is going to replace my damaged spoke and get me ready for a 40 or 50 mile ride today. I've only been on the bike once since RAIN (ride across Indiana) where I broke the spoke originally. Then while I was near Canton speaking at their youth camp, I rode into Alliance, OH and broke what I think to be the same spoke. It's not the actual spoke which is breaking...but the piece which connects it to the wheel. I'm trying to avoid replacing the whole wheel.

During this spiritual 'stage ride' of ministry transition...some time on the bike is good medicine. Just my face against the wind...and my legs against the lactic acid! And hopefully God will speak as I put my trust in another spoke.

Birthday Blitz

My daughter Jessica just turned 6. She'll be in 1st grade in just a few weeks. Unfathomable!!

Anyway...we've stretched out the birthday celebration for a little over a week celebrating with various circles of friends and family. It has been alot of fun...much more fun than any birthdays I remember as a kid. Makes me wonder if we're spoiling our girls?! They certainly have too much STUFF! I know we're not teaching them live counter-culturally when it comes to material possessions. Of course, that has to be modeled from the top down, right?

As far as the celebrating goes however...I definitely don't mind erring on the side of emotional indulgence. I guess we'll find out how we did in about twenty years...when she is or is not in need of counseling.

But...what a blessing...these beautiful daughters of mine! I better get back home to read books with them...

Confession Is Good For the Soul Mate

I recently confessed to my wife that I was being a pretty crappy husband lately. I could produce a list of pretty good excuses, but the truth remains. And confession may be good for the soul...but I'm not sure what it does for the soul-mate. Because I had nothing to offer except the confession. I honestly cannot pinpoint the reason I'm being an occasional insensetive dweeb of a spouse. And I can't honestly claim that the condition is going to immediately improve.

I suppose the benefit was just in exposing the ugliness. And the confession did evoke a response of something like..."well, I'm glad it's not just me." Which I interpret to mean that she knew I was the one being a jerk...but just needed confirmation from the horse's mouth. Actually, I do feel a sense of relief that I've admitted my marital malice and I can stop this pretentious act that all my little irritations are a result of some fault and flaw in my wife. Deb is not the perfect spouse, by her own admission, but she's alot closer than I sometimes give her credit for.

And interestingly enough...our 11th anniversary was this past weekend! Maybe anniversaries are a natural time for relational repairs.

The BLOG of Life

Certainly I don't want to exalt blogging to some form of divinely inspired newly dispensed canon of Scripture, but...after catching up on some blogs out there and connecting with some new ones...I AM inspired. The Spirit is stirring in many ways and many locations. And so many are taking the exit ramp off of mainstream bankrupt Christianity and finding some healthy detours up the Mountain of God! It's a tough climb but the view is getting more incredible each day.

Something disturbed me though as my browser collided with a blog of ministry despair. Some ex-youth pastors were lamenting the woes of previous ministries and celebrating their freedom from the politics and pretense of church. While I know exactly what they've been through (after 10 years of youth ministry) I have this sense of sadness. Maybe it's because after a year away from all that craphole context of ministry...I'm going back. I fear that I may be unable to sustain this emergent postmodern approach (whatever you want to call it) to following Jesus.

But what I really fear is a world of youth pastors and young church leaders who will walk away from church without the willingness to sacrifice their lives on the front lines of a revolution. I don't want to die anymore than the next schmuck...but who's going to keep this culturally irrelevant brand of Christianity from being passed to another generation?!

Fishing & Fasting

Actually, I have discovered that these two disciplines (yes, fishing is a spiritual discipline) go quite well together. As long as you don't take food with you in the boat...and as long as you're commited to not eating raw fish...the relationship is complimentary.

So I set out on a mission yesterday with the canoe strapped to the top of my Ford Focus and a hunger to encounter God. There's just something spiritual and therapeutic about sitting out on a fairly large body of water with the wind as the dominant force being applied to your vessel. (I very much envy those on the sailboats as I'm paddling my obliques off!) As I sat back against the center seat of my canoe and soaked in the Son...I sensed confirmation in the direction that our family is heading. I was also able to finalize a "no" for one particular ministry context which had become available to us. Besides that, I caught about ten little half-pound bass and one that about two pounds or so. With my light pole and light test line...it was a lot of fun to bring that fiesty one in.

Well, today I'm off to further a conversation which might lead us to a great healthy and exciting church...or it may just sharpen my focus towards a specific model of youth ministry which I'm growing more and more passionate about. Regardless...I'm just so grateful that God is giving us/me patience with this process and providing just enough guidance for each day.

Searching Saga

So...I hit a little snag this weekend with my future career in ministry. Actually, it has resulted in a helpful process of re-defining and clarity. But I walked away from an interview completely confused about whether I would ever really "fit" again in a church staff ministry context. I found myself wanting to jump back into the friendly world of Starbucks management where expectations are clearly defined and pretty easy to achieve. But as the day wore on...my self-talk (and God-talk) lifted me out of that despair and a perfectly timed phone call from Virginia encouraged me immensely! There ARE churches out there (and pastors) who can almost perfectly articulate my angst and passion!

And then this morning...I had an encounter during the midst of this saga of searching which truly lifted the spiritual fog which had settled in over me. Basically, I had a conversation with a couple of leaders/pastors in which my dream model of youth ministry was being articulated without me having to say a word. I'm just literally speechless about it right now and waiting for the divine nod, nudge, no, or whatever!

No Pressure

Deb and I are sitting in a hotel in Florida trying to discern God's will for our lives...no pressure! I remember the good ol' days when we used to interview with just the two of us. Impacting the lives of two beautiful little girls wasn't part of the equation. Figuring out where to go to school, where to live, and where to pursue life just wasn't nearly as complicated. Having made a couple of mistakes in this area previously...I have no desire to make the wrong decision this time around.

When you're making a big decision and doing the whole "pro's" and "con's" list, it's not too tough to fill up both columns. It seems to me like it still ends up being sort of a crap shoot (not that I even know what a "crap shoot" is!) I actually do have a sense though that God is going to make things clear for us. We're certainly praying that way.

I miss my girls like crazy!

Trail Finding

I'm on a quest today...a quest for the best mountain bike trail in Canton, Ohio. It looks like I may have googled upon one that fits the bill. I have the morning off from speaking to a group of students this week at a camp in the Canton area. We've been talking about the discovery of our true identities and the implications of acknowledging that God has known us, formed us, and set our unique identities apart from before the time we were each conceived. And what is the impact of expressing these unique identities within the context of community, family, and beyond?

Well, I'm going to ponder that a bit more as I fling some mud up on my backside! I'll also be pondering the turmoil, confusion, excitement, anxiety, and nausea which has all been brought on by an intense search to find the next context out of which our family can live, grow, and minister. Nothing like a few miles on the bike to help you process life's difficult decisions.

Camp Thunder

I've been hanging out this week at a summer camp for middle and high school students. It's been a fun change of pace from the hectic world of coffee (just in the mornings!) But the weather has been a bit unpredictable.

Yesterday I suited up and took the bike out for a few miles winding through some backroads somewhere in Stark County. I should've known that the nice tailwind and descents I was experiencing the first ten miles would mean pain and struggle on the return trip. Unfortunately, as I got past a tiny little town called Alliance, one of my back spokes popped again. The little silver "nipple" which attaches the spoke to the outer rim fractured and broke in two. The same thing happened on the ride across Indiana a couple of weeks ago.

So I pulled out the spoke (fortunately my wheel has 23 more besides that one) and rode the bike a few hundred yards to a little hometown auto shop. A nice gentleman there loaned me some allen wrenches as he suspiciously eyed my spandex outfit! I had to remove the rear brakes and ride the ten miles back uphill and into a terrible headwind. Then the lightning started flashing and ended up with a nice little thunder shower for the last mile.

Life is always interesting when you put yourself out there.

Along with my friend Bob, I just attempted to bike across the state of Indiana! (RAIN is an acronym for Ride Across INdiana) It was about 160 miles in one day. Bob conquered the whole distance. I lost about 15 miles at mile 110 but was able to meet up with Bob 15 miles later (thanks to my parents!) and finish pretty strong. So 145 miles is my new personal record for miles biked in one day. It was a great experience.

Tough Stuff

On the weekdays I get a great little snippet/essay from the following website (if you're interested)... www.dailydig.bruderhof.org

Today's opening paragraph struck me with one word in particular. Here's the quote...

"Discipleship means complete dedication. It demands everything - the whole heart, the whole mind, and the whole of life, including one's time, energy, and property - for the cause of love. Half-hearted Christianity is worse than no Christianity."

Can you pick out a word from that challenge which might be causing my discomfort? It's "property." That one seems to cross the line (from the perspective of my American materialistic and individualistic culture). Of course, the other two life-issues mentioned are not much easier...time & energy?? We just often assume that we're already on board with those. But again, how much of my time and energy is devoted to the whole-hearted pursuit of Christ?

It just never gets easy!

Limbs and Limitations

Actually, I'll reverse the order of subjects here by starting with limitations. There is really no substitute for face-to-face personal communication. Blogs and email are nice, but my previous couple of posts have illustrated the limitations of this form of communication. So although I subscribe (literally) to new technology and see wonderful potential for all things digital and wireless...I hope to see our culture actually "digress" in some ways regarding the emphasis we place on personal connection, relationships, and authentic community. There is certainly value to be found in the blogging and online communities which we form...but it is not a substitute for the kinds of relationships and community we were designed for.

Now on to "limbs"...that's a comical play on words I suppose for I have crawled out upon once myself! Some would call it a step of faith. Others would call it irresponsible. I can't decide which it is...depending on the day. What I know though...is that we can't make decision based on fear and insecurity. We need to make decisions, especially regarding our future and the future of our families, based on the bedrock of our identities...who we are created to be. To pursue anything other than that path leads us towards spiritual and emotional death.

Domingo's Dialogue

Domingo is "Sunday" in Spanish...my goal of alliteration wouldn't work in English so...too much explanation, eh?? Sorry!

I recently received the following response to a previous blog posting. I want to “copy” you (the blogging community) in on the conversation because it gives me an opportunity to further explain some things. I’ll protect the identity of my blog responder obviously but include each of his/her comments below...

Regarding my migraine episode...

"caffeine (sp?) is one of the major migraine triggers. you might want to switch to decaf, sorry :-(" I type as I sip my sugar free, caffeine free, sodium free, Diet Rite. If only I had a rocking chair.Rocking in a rocking chair is a simple pleasure. Without close knowledge of your current lifestyle it is hard to understand what you mean by a simple life. A rocking chair, a canoe trip, these are simple pleasures that provide a respite from a productive life, but they are just the border of the picture.

Regarding the simple life...

As far as the simple life goes...it sounds appealing but what is accomplished? I'm no money chasing capitalist but each of us is given gifts to use in a productive fashion. I'm not sure how that fits, sometimes your blog just seems to beg for a counterpoint. I assume you are looking for them or you wouldn't be blogging.

My response..

It seems like we have this "iron sharpens iron" kind of relationship/dialogue. What's up with that? But it's good and you're right...I think my blog is a place where I can say things that demand rebuttal.

Hopefully I won't have to give up caffeine...but after a year or so with starbucks, it's about the right time to start seeing some side effects of that!

Simple life? Productive? Might be apples and oranges but you raise the foundational issue against which I'm reacting in various ways. My last 10 years of ministry have been very productive...but not extremely effective. Certainly semantics are crucial here because the way you define productivity or efficiency or even simplicity impacts the conversation greatly. But I like what you said about the "border of the picture." That's exactly what is missing from most our lives. There IS no border. One author calls it "margin." We live life right up to the edges filling our days (the page or canvass) completely. Maybe balance is a better word than simple to describe what I've found and realize. I have finally narrowed my productivity enough to leave room for relationships...with my family, with my neighbors, with whatever person happens into the picture.

Again, I value your perspective and comments. Probably we agree on all the principles involved but lack the same language. Or maybe we don't agree on foundational issues? Either way...it's very helpful for me to dialogue with you. Speaking of canoeing...that’s a great idea...I’m on my way (later this week)!

Conclusions...

Actually, I'll let you come to your own! Bendiciones!

Thursday's Therapy

There is something therapeutic about sitting down with a cup of coffee! Actually, just taking the time to sit and drink a cup of coffee...experiencing the flavor, body, and aroma in a relaxed environment....that's probably the key. Most people though are just hurrying in and out jumping back in their line of traffice to speed off to "nowhere" fast.

My sleepless night of revelation might be confirmed through some of the encounters of this day...so I'm excited for what the day holds! But as I contemplate a transition of some kind, I'm frightened by the challenge to maintain the simplicity. The pace of life right now is very pleasing. We were meant to enjoy life...to enjoy others...to enjoy God! Much of our lives consist of mindless distractions from those priorities however.

From Migraine to My Gain

I have had two first-time experiences today which I need to reflect on here (more for my sake than yours.)

This morning as I began my shift at Starbucks steaming milk and pulling shots of espresso, I began to have some strange symptoms. As I glanced up at the screen to see what drinks I was making for the drive-thru customers, I noticed my vision becoming quite blurry and foggy around the edges. And just a minute or so later I began to feel dizzy, lightheaded, and nauseated. That taste crept up the back of my throat which seems to warn of more to come...the wrong direction! And then the pain set in right behind my right eye. I’m not the type to really get sick or have physically challenging moments like that, so it was very awkward yet very obvious to those I was working with. After battling those symptoms for about four hours and finishing my shift, I finally got back home and rested for a few hours. By the end of the day...all the symptoms were nearly gone thought I still had the sense of not feeling “quite right.” After doing some research online and talking to my wife about her mother and brother’s similar experience, I realized I had probably had my first migraine...yippee!!

My other first-time experience is still in progress. At this very moment, it is 2:43 a.m. and I seem to be having a spiritual awakening when I’d rather be sleeping. There have really only been three times in my life that I’ve had this sort of experience in which there is some obvious effort on God’s part to get my attention. These times have always preceded some sort of major transition such as moving, changing career, etc. Well, since I’m about four hours into this sleepness night of prayer and planning, I can’t completely reflect on what is transpiring. Hopefully I will know more soon!

Independence Day

Speaking of 'independence,' our culture is consumed with that pursuit, isn't it? As my life has become simpler, it has also become a bit untethered. I lack many of those anchors of obligation which kept me on track in many ways. I confessed during a time of worship yesterday that much of my previous piety had been constructed from the inferior yet sturdy materials of spiritual obligation and duty. In the days ahead I must reconstruct...rebuild...remember.