Community & Coffee Talk

Leaving a community and/or church is painful...even when the relationships are under-developed. I suppose I've been a little blindsided by the pain of this decision and transition to leave Dayton. After being in Columbus for about 8 years...it wasn't this painful to pack up and leave. But that's probably because we'd been through a steady two-year progression which led to our move last summer.

What I'm taking from this experience is that there exists within our relationships and community a sense of the not-yet, or the "what might have been." Perhaps the value of that concept has escaped me until now. Although we've been through a short ministry stay before (8 or 9 years ago), for some reason it didn't have near the impact of this one. We've really been amazed at the generosity and support we've received from these "infant" relationships.

Fortunately, I've been warmly received by the green siren and the familiar family of Starbucks partners. It's kind of disturbing how much I've missed pressing that first sample of a Black Apron Exclusive coffee. But it looks like I'll need to start leading an internal effort to get the corporate coffee master back on track with its commitment to the environment and sustainable agriculture. According to this article on the Organic Consumer Association's website, Starbucks is holding out by using hormone-tainted milk. Why is it that I would be less offended if you attack my faith than my java supplier?! I guess I DO need some professional help.

To the Monastery

I've really been enjoying the articles from Out of Ur (by Leadership).

I was just reading the one published today, Spiritual Formation: we’ve already got a proven model, but do we want it?

Here's a great quote from the author who is being questioned about trends and models of spiritual formation...

“It’s a proven model,” I pointed out, “a model that includes everything we know
brings about transformation. What would happen to your life” (I was now turning
the question on them) “if you lived in close geographical community and
relationship with other people; if you lived in submission to authority; if you
practiced silence and simplicity and discipline; if you regularly read the Bible
and prayed and meditated on what you read; if you made study part of your life;
and if you worked hard in some daily occupation, seeing your labor as full of
dignity and offering it to God?”

That's where I'm headed...to the monastery! Actually, I still don't know what it will look like. A house church? A small group of people from a church? An extended family gathering and drawing friends and neighbors into the mix? I really don't know, but I know it's time to stop posting, dreaming, and analyzing and to actually engage in it.

Seasons of the Soul

Many of those seeking to be reconciled to and embraced by God have described their experiences with the metaphor of seasons. Whether or not we use the right metaphor, it does seem (now that I have a longer timeline to look back on) that we navigate various spiritual seasons along the way.

I suppose what is most interesting to me as I think about my current season, is that stepping away from a position of ministry and religious service may actually coincide with a spiritual awakening and rebirth. Although I'm stepping away from a great church with what I've learned to be a very healthy group of leaders and people...I feel as though I'm feeling some things begin to thaw deep within.

My passions are being redirected. I want to live well, rest well, play well. I want to enjoy the best years of my marriage and family. I want to thoroughly enjoy my beautiful daughters and see them enjoy life as well. I want to develop deep Kingdom-level relationships with a few and learn how to live with (rather than for) the resurrected Christ. Yeah...the landscape is definitely changing and Spring is in the air of my soul.

House Church

Just had an encouraging conversation with a friend. Thank God for those, eh?!

Part of our discussion included our mutual interest in the "house church" as the kind of community we would both like to experience. I've had limited contact with those who are experiencing such an environment of koinonia and charis. As always, it's difficult to discern what one might be drawn towards simply in reaction to the contemporary church experience which is so prevalent in evangelicalism right now (and especially our own tribe/denomination).

I just think there's so much about our current church model which doesn't connect to genuine Kingdom living or even get integrated into one's daily life. It's an alternative environment one steps in and out of. And most parents are very disconnected from the spiritual responsibility for their own children. Is it better to shuttle our kids to the biggest program in town and abdicate much of our parental calling to others?

Good Point

In a recent article from Out of Ur , the author ends with this:

"Nevertheless, in my mind, if we are going to pick on Potter, we must pick on Pirates. Otherwise, perhaps Christians should keep their mouth shut about both."

I think it's a good call for consistency. This is certainly one of the great hypocrisies of Christianity and religion in general...inconsistency. You could probably say the same for issues of homosexuality and poverty or aids crisis. Which of these issues are more important? But which issue gets the most evangelical attention?

From Deep Waters

I was reading in 2 Samuel 22 this week (thanks to my pastor) and reflecting on the concept of God as 'my rock.' In my mind, I conjured up this image of a solid outcropping of rock just being pounded by waves. Actually, the image of that French lighthouse comes to mind...the one where the guy is standing there and the waves are crashing against the back of the rock and lighthouse and swirling on either side.

Anyway...I began to picture myself in the waters just around this solid rock. Whether I jumped in or slipped I don't know...but I'm in that deep water. Often the most dangerous place to be (in an ocean setting) is just a few feet away from a big rock or reef like that. Then the wind and waves pound you against the rock, doing quite a bit of damage. So I'm close enough to the rock to get dashed against it...but not close enough to benefit from it's support and shelter.

Then verse 17 of 2 Samuel 22 alters the image...

"He reached down from on high and took hold of me;

he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me..."

then verse 47...

"The Lord lives! Praise be to my Rock!

Exalted be God, the Rock, my Savior!"

I'm still struggling for clarity...but it's good to have the Rock back under my feet.

No Peace at all

Oh my God ...
(and I mean that literally not flippantly)
what must a soul do to get some clarity and direction?!

The last couple of days have been very trying.
And this could get ugly so click on to your next little blog stop if you were looking for something a little more positive.

I just feel like the psalmist when he would lament "How long, oh Lord...How long?!"
Except I may add a few explicatives to let Him know I'm not just quoting the psalms...I'm serious. Does anyone else occasionally use profanities when you pray? I hope that's not just me.

Hopefully I'll soon arrive at the peaceful resolution of "yet will I ever praise and trust..."

instead of the current...

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me?" (Psalm 22:1)

HOPE For The FLOWERS

So I'd love to comment some more on World Cup Soccer...but I don't want Gregor to stop visiting my blog. But how about those Black Stars from Ghana?! They are definitely out of the running...but they made a good effort against Brazil in their first-ever WC appearance.

Okay, now on to today's brain fodder. I recently read this little book by Trina Paulus (which takes every bit of thirty minutes) and was captured by the imagery and simplicity. If only I had been supplied with some of this metaphor and language earlier in my journey! (Thanks to JR for introducing me to the story since I missed the opportunity to hear it first-hand from Rick)

The story unfolds with two main characters...Stripe & Yellow. They are both caterpillars and eventually find themselves caught up in the frantic attempt to climb a pillar of caterpillars which reaches up into the clouds. Eventually we find out that the pillars are just meaningless mindless frantic climbing. Yellow discovers the secret of the chrysalis while Stripe ventures off to conquer the pillar once more. Again, Stripe is devastated to find out that at the very top of the pillar awaits nothing of value. And I supposed I shouldn't share this much of the story in case you want to read it for yourself. But the simple point of the story has dealt what might be a final deathblow to my paradigm of ministry and religious activity.

And speaking of "hope"...this word keeps buzzing around my head and into my life...like a majestic winged creature inviting me in to my own chrysalis of transformation.

Here's a tribute to the one who has personnified this word and its cause for a whole community:



Hope : : Elpida
There is a tree that grows on my armIt’s for a friend, an eternal marring of my flesh for his.
A beauty mark, intentional, not God-given
A gift from a friend who speaks beauty through his hands.
A solidarity sign stretched across my skin.
Blood brothers united in heart years ago now visible to all Brothers in arms.
Rooted in Elpida, Lovely leafless limbs smooth and supple as veins
Climb quietly like ivy clinging to skin and bone
Growing toward my heart where he now resides.
This tree grips, grips my arm,
12 leaves for 12 friends coupled, man and wife
12 leaves for the healing of nations
12 leaves for Yahweh wins.

I hope in God the Father, God the Son, God the Holy Ghost. Now and Forever I hope.
No ounce of regret not one single ounce.
Yahweh wins.
Yahweh wins.
Yahweh wins.

I pledge allegiance to his cause.

(read at Mark Palmer's memorial service)

World Cup Action

I've never watched an entire soccer match in my life! Suddenly I'm tuning into at least one match per day or setting my DVR to catch the action so I can speed-view it later. (I love DVR by the way...what an efficient way to watch TV)

It's pretty amazing what these guys can do with a soccer ball! As I was watching the Argentina-Mexico encounter of round 2, this Argentinian made an amazing goal. One of his teammates sent him a long pass...he caught it with his torso and settled it just enough to drop it in position and kick a goal before the ball ever touched the ground. It reminded me of the Tiger Woods trick where he's bouncing the ball on his wedge and then swings and connects with the ball as it drops.

It was, of course, disappointing to see USA's inability to really get into any kind of rhythmn...I think it's time for a new coach.

Since soccer was not even offered when I was a kid in school, I just never really appreciated the game until now.

Extreme Decisions

I just have this feeling that some extreme decisions are in our near future...like this extreme decision of a family in Seattle (read about it here). As I think more about social justice, stewardship of our environment, personal economics, and other issues that greatly affect community and neighbor (global or next-door), I am determined to pursue a lifestyle of authenticity and conviction. We have so few moral and biblical convictions in our culture and society. It just makes me want to take a stand...even if it's just for not using so many disposable paper products or lowering our contribution to global warming (which I actually believe is a real problem for the first time in my life).

There are some other extreme decisions which I'll have to post-pone any posts for now...but mega props to the Durning family for making such a radical change of lifestyle for a mostly-good cause (perhaps they wouldn't have made the decision if the 19-year old had not totalled the family car).

I am so curious right now about some of these kinds of decisions which if embraced by a critical mass of people would have huge economic and sustainability effects on families and cultures around the world (like buying fair-trade, eating organic foods, lowering one's indebtedness, etc).

The Allusion of Authenticity

Just had another stirring conversation with a good friend in ministry which proved to be humbling and convicting. It's the second time in a week that ministry peers have accused me of being authentic. The painful reality is that over the past year...my authenticity quotient has dropped severely.

Now I don't mean that to be a completely negative reflection on my current church or ministry affiliation (although a bit of that would be unavoidable after the previous statement). What it actually reflects is my compromise in non-negotiables and core values in ministry. I've neglected to put the necessary boundaries in place to protect my family and my own spiritual and emotional health. Now I'm paying a severe price. And those around me will be hurt in various ways as a result of my conformity.

My extended family has been an amazing encouragement during this time! Kudos to the brothers Bean and my wonderful parents.

Highlander Grogg

So I finally found a nice little coffeeshop here in Beavercreek with decent coffee. And I've been introduced to Highlander Grogg. It's a flavored coffee...but I'm enjoying it anyway. The coffee purist in me is often repulsed by the chemical alteration of the bean's natural flavor...but occasionally, someone stumbles upon a decent combination.

Also, the owner of this little cafe (Pete...not from San Francisco notoriety) has the free wi-fi up and running which is another good draw. The only drawback so far is that there's a TV blaring in the background in place of some good conversation-supporting ambient music of some sort (like Miles Davis, Cold Play, or the sounds of Motown). But if you're in Beavercreek...it's worth a visit (behind McDonald's and beside Papa Johns).

Stirring Conversations

I spent a few days this past week bumping into several friends. Some were old friends from college...some were acquaintances from a good many years in youth ministry. First of all, I must admit that I experienced a certain uneasiness every time a nominal friend in ministry would welcome me back to the fold...expressing their pleasure that I had found my way back to youth ministry.
From the other perspective, I was equally disturbed by the discussions I had with closer friends who expressed some confusion at my recent transition. That has caused me to engage in some very intentional reflection on my journey of recent months and years. In fact, it lead me back into the archives of this blog. From there I can see that my transition from Starbucks back into a traditional setting of youth ministry (in a megachurch no less) made very little sense.

Ouch! The realization of my own blindness and compromise has sent me reeling. Although, if I were to be quite honest...not a day has gone by over the past ten months that I didn't suspect a mistake and error in judgment. That brings me to a precarious spot. Suffice it to say...making the right decision is easier the first time. And clarity is a rarity!

dysfunctional faith

Have you ever had the painful yet liberating experience of encountering your own dysfunctions? That's been happening for me in spiritual ways over the past few months. If I understand the dynamics of dysfuntion...it basically provides some definition for the destructive or unhealthy ways in which we may have been conditioned to live and relate to others.

Well, I'm finding that I learned some fairly unhealthy ways of relating to God. I don't think there was any intentional misguiding...just a lack of guidance. And that's not to say that I didn't have supportive, Christian parenting...because I did. And I was brought up in the church, circumcised on the eighth day (or even before), a Nazarene of Nazarenes! But therein lies one of my main issues. In the absence of a mentor or spiritual guide...the institution of the church became my mentor. Thus in a substantially unhealthy way, my growth as a Christian and in relationship with God became completely intertwined with my activity and participation in the church (local and beyond).

I have a feeling there are many who could claim this sort of "dysfunction" because it is probably the natural process to follow in the absence of intentional mentoring and discipleship. Now at this stage of my life and ministry...I am having to relearn some basic ways of relating to God. No longer can I skate by on the activities and duties of ministry and church life...hoping that the spiritual formation will happen as a natural by-product of preparing to share the gospel with others. The "being" MUST precede the "doing!" My contentment and satisfaction must be completely rolled up in the person of Christ and not attached to anything else.

Back To It

Okay, I'm not sure what happened there for a few months...so let's get back to it.

As I read over my usual feeds from bloglines , I have several different topical pathways to take. From origami to lesbian priests, the possibilities are endless.

However, the thing that has me a bit fired up (from Tony's article at Out of Ur as well as from personal experience) is the tendency of those within the church to be so good at drawing lines and creating boundaries. As I read mechanical responses to passionate attempts at "conversation", I just have this question that keeps coming to mind? Do we think we're modeling Christ when we do everything within our persuasive grasp to convince other's that we're right and they're wrong??

I feel like like I'm in some netherworld of ambiguity between evangelical orthodoxy and emerging discovery. That's certainly not to say that I've walked away from anything or that I'm looking for some new label that's cool and let's me smoke a pipe and drink some thick dark German beer. It just means I'm questioning, searching, hoping to redefine, begging for our orthodoxy to be relevant in this new world.

And it seems to me, if we're going to follow Christ...we should err on the side of inclusivity. Didn't Jesus seem to include some people that the church of his day didn't want to be cozy with? Didn't Jesus extend salvation is some fairly unorthodox ways? The theif on the cross, the woman at the well, the paralytic who just wanted to walk...I don't recall any of them reciting the sinner's prayer or filling out an application for Kingdom membership.

Let's just entertain the thought that God can do His job and we can do ours and not get the two confused.

The Silence Continues...Mostly

My silence, that is. Interesting though...got wind of some terrible news today regarding a friend in ministry...seems like God brought something to mind which I need to ponder. Is it just me or does God seem to have a very indirect style of communication??

blogfatuation

I knew it couldn't last...the online affair with reflection. The passionate flame of flirtatious posting has cooled and what was once satisfying has become dry and routine. Don't worry....it's not you...it's me.

Spiritually Spinning the Wheels

That's a bit what I'm feeling right now. As I break away from some old patterns of relating to God and try to re-learn some things about being a disciple...I can't help but feel like I've been spinning my wheels much of the past ten years. In my times of studying Scripture and looking over some old journal-type things I realize that I'm struggling with many of the same things as I did years ago. Like trusting God...and being able to hear His voice...giving Him ultimatums as I try to determine what He's leading me to do...etc.

It's quite sad to realize that my relationship with God has been very functional and utilitarian over the years. I've been missing the passion of that love relationship God desires from His little yard apes! John 8:47..."the reason you do not hear is that you do not belong to God." Ouch!

But now it's difficult to reprioritize the relationship without the lingering sense of...hurry up and connect so I know what to do! I need to find that daily place of "quiet waters" and sanctuary.

Paradise and Politics

I was just catching up on some blogs and stumbled across some good dialogue on BTaylor's blog.

The topic was interesting to me because I had just listened to someone the other day talk about the percentage of people on the planet which he thought would end up in heaven. The guess-timate was 10% or less. As this person went on to express a fairly narrow (fundamental, dogmatic, etc) evangelical Christian perspective...it really roused some passionate feeling within me...namely, anger. Now I'm not wanting to espouse some kind of universalist's theory of atonement...but can we leave some room for God to be gracious here? When Jesus said "I am the way, the truth, and the life..." could it be that there are some ways to come at Christ and Truth apart from traditional Christian processes?

I even had the startling notion or impression that I might not want to identify with a God who would just condemn someone to eternal separation from God because they were born in a muslim nation in Africa rather than in the Bible belt of America?! Which leads into the other topic at BT's blog. And on that one (politics of war etc) I've just got to say...our understanding of the Kingdom and Christianity has gotten WAY too enmeshed in our patriotism.

Embarassing Confessions

First of all, I'm not going to hit that 200 mile mark this week. Maybe next week! But that isn't my "embarassing confession."

Here it is...so I've been a follower of Christ since I was about five years old. The middle school years were especially turbulent in spiritual ways, but by my freshman year in high school, I was really intent on pursuing God and living a life "worthy of the gospel." There were some serious landmarks and victorious stretches in that journey, but I've experienced something this past week that I'm humbled to admit.

Today will mark a 6-day stretch of fairly uninterrupted spiritual focus. I know that the spiritual life is not measured by checking off boxes of devotions, prayer, scripture reading, church attendance, etc...but the intimacy I've experienced with the Father, Son, and Spirit this week has been intense! Perhaps it indicates that I've finally reached a point of brokenness and despair which has convinced me to, at long last, abandon the remaining bastions of self-centeredness and self-reliance?! Even if that has played a part, I completely realize that this 'turn' is not some kind of self actualization but rather an indication that grace is present and God is at work. Philippians 2:13 says "It is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose." The Christian life really is about trusting and resting!

The confession??
I can't remember the last time I experienced an entire week of uninterrupted intimacy with God! Why is that embarassing?? Well...I'm a pastor...I've been a Christian for 30 years...I've been attempting to lead others to a place I've not been.

For all those who are grieving for the Palmers...my prayers have been with you. When I received that news, it impacted my spirit deeply. What a personal loss for so many. But what a Kingdom thinker!